The Roadhouse Red Sox
A few years back, at the beginning of each NFL season, sports blogging pioneer Bill Simmons wrote, in my opinion, his best article of the year. He would take a classic film and use the quotes from that film to sum up where the teams stood going into the upcoming season. Well he hasn’t done that in a while. Maybe it’s the world wide book tour or maybe it’s the devotion to a second season of that Internet cartoon, but in any event he really doesn’t do much blogging like that any more. Anyway, with the Red Sox getting started, I thought it would be fun take that formula and to put to good use in dissecting the 2007 Red Sox. With this in mind, I’ve selected the classic film Roadhouse. Now if you’re not familiar with the Patrick Swayze vehicle that includes memorable rolls by Kelly Lynch, Sam Elliott and wrestling great Terry Funk, then maybe you should stop reading this and go out and rent it (or just turn on TBS or TNT at almost any time during the weekend). Better yet, stop reading Barstool Sports all together, as no self respecting Stoolie should have made it this far in life without witnessing the adventures of Dalton, Wade Garrett and the rest of the bouncers at the Roadhouse:
Dalton:I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice.
Ah, Big Papi David Ortiz. Enough with the arguing about every strike call. These umps have short memories and they’d just as soon throw you out for arguing as look at you. So do us a favor, next time they call a ball that was 2 inches off the plate a strike, grind some of the saw dust off the bat and put the next pitch on Lansdowne Street.
Morgan:What am I supposed to do?
Dalton:There's always barber college.
Dalton ’s answer after firing Morgan might just be the same response you hear Sox management give 2nd baseman Dustin Pedroia if he falls flat in his first shot at the big leagues. Despite average reports from the Boston media about what this kid can bring, the Sox brass have been pumping up this kid like he’s the second coming of Marty Barrett. With the quick turnover from the high spending Sox, it would be hard to see them sticking with the kid for too long if he isn’t making some progress by early June.
Dalton:You are the bouncers I am the cooler, all you have to do is watch my back and each others, take out the trash.
Let’s face it, Jonathan Papelbon is the only reliable arm in that bullpen. Even when Mike Timlin comes back, the team’s late inning success is going to ride on the shoulders of Paps. Sox fans just have to hope that the J.C. Romeros and the Hideki Okajimas follow his lead.
Wade:I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead.
Curt Schilling may not get much sleep at all this season. Having already said he wants to come back and play somewhere in 2008, the man with the bloody sock is going to be spending a lot of time on his blog 38pitches.com, as well as working with his new video game company. As if that isn’t enough on his plate, he knows that this will be his last big contract year, so he’ll have to prove he can still be the ace of a top level club on the wrong side of 40.
Emmett:Calling me sir is like putting an elevator in an outhouse. It don't belong.
While Emmett the landlord’s comment may sound more like something that Jimy Williams would say, this time it’s being attached to Terry Francona. While I’ve sometimes been known to call Terry, “FranCOMA”, he has done a good job managing this team during his time in Boston. While he has been too loyal at times (Kevin Millar), he also has the difficult job of managing major egos and some of the most critical media anywhere, who not only criticize him but get all over his players.
Bouncer: Who is that guy?Cody: Gentlemen, Wade Garrett.Bouncer: Holy shit.Wade: Exactly right.This one goes out to the Rocket, Roger Clemens. If by any miracle he comes back to pitch, and it’s for the Red Sox, it would be the perfect comparison to Wade Garrett strolling into the “Double Douche” and saving Dalton from getting his ass kicked out back. Yeah, so it’s not going to ever happen, but wouldn’t it be cool if it did?
Wade:If you wanna bring a man down, always go for the knees.
Is it possible that Tek’s days are numbered? He’s in the 3rd year of his 4-year, $40 million dollar deal, and the Captain is coming off a horrible 2006 where he played only 103 games and his average dropped to .238. Tek has always been a great game caller, but hits into too many double plays and doesn’t throw out many runners. At this age great catchers are being asked to move to 1st (Piazza), but that’s because their bat is still lively. If Tek’s bat fails again this season, the Sox could be in huge trouble. Doug Mirabelli can’t be a full time player and they’ve stripped the farm system of any catching prospect that could make the jump this season.
Dr. Elizabeth Clay: Do you always carry your medical record around with you?
Dalton: Saves time.
The arrival of J.D. Drew to replace Trot Nixon and fill in the #5 spot in the order should have been met with a more positive reaction, but the fact that the 31-year-old with a history of injuries was being paid $70-million over 5 years really bothered most Sox fans. Maybe it was the appearance of greed with the way he turned down the remaining 3-years of his 5-year, $55-million dollar contract with the Dodgers, that rubbed some the wrong way. In any event Drew says his shoulder feels great, and the Sox were able to add the ability to void the final 2-years of Drew’s deal if he spends 35 days or more on the DL with a specific injury. Drew did play 146 games last year and contributed with 20 homers and a team high 100 RBI.
Jimmy:I used to f*ck guys like you in prison.
This quote doesn’t go to anyone, it just had to be mentioned. If you haven’t see the movie, this is the showdown between our hero Dalton and the kung-fu villain Jimmy. In between blows they pause and Jimmy unloads one of the strangest lines in the history of cinema. If this were a comedy Dalton would have just stopped, dropped his arms and said, “You had sex with guys in prison?” Jimmy would have been embarrassed and ran off crying. Instead they go back to fighting and Dalton eventually rips his throat out, killing him.
Dalton: All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three, be nice.
While Manny Ramirez lives by the rules of “Manny being Manny” but it’s a fact that in Boston all he really has to do is hit, hit and hit, and of course “be nice” and the fans will forgive any other little foibles.
Jimmy: Damn, boy. I thought you were good.
Dalton: Go f*ck yourself.
With replays of his performance in the 2003 World Series against the Yankees dancing in the head’s of Sox fans, Josh Beckett’s 2006 performance was a major disappointment. He seemed to clash with Jason Varitek, often shaking him off, a site not too many fans are used to seeing from Pitchers working with Tek. His reliance on his fastball to get himself out of EVERY jam was often his undoing and one can only hope he has figured that out and will get back on track.
Dalton: People who really want to have a good time won't come to a slaughterhouse. And we've got entirely too many troublemakers here. Too many 40-year-old adolescents, felons, power drinkers and trustees of modern chemistry.
This one goes to the Sox management, who are apparently trying to run out every working class fan in New England with the highest ticket prices in baseball as well as $7.50 beers.
Dalton:You play pretty good for a blind guy.
Cody: And I thought you'd be bigger.
The “I thought you’d be bigger” line is like the running joke of the film as it follows Dalton around. Obviously this one is for “Dice-K” Daisuke Matsuzaka who you may have thought was as big as Godzilla with all the attention he received in the off season. He is going to be the most interesting story of 2007, no matter how good or bad he performs. Sox fans can only hope that he lives up to the hype that surrounds his “rookie” year in the majors.
[Dalton walks in on Steve having sex with a girl in the supply closet]
Dalton: Yo, Steve! You're history.
Steve: But I'm on my break!
Dalton: Stay on it.
Steve Ah, sh*t!
If Coco Crisp doesn’t have a comeback year, in a major way, he could be out of a job real quick. After being promoted all over as the Red Sox youth movement to replace Johnny Damon last season, Crisp suffered a freak finger injury and never fully recovered. He was supposed to lead off, he’s instead batting 8th. He was supposed to bring great defense, and it turns out his arm is weaker than Damon’s. We may also find out very soon if he can take the big time spotlight of his second season in Boston.
Wade:This place has a sign hangin' over the urinal that says, "Don't eat the big white mint".
See you at Fenway!