Revenge of the Patriots and the All Movie Quote Pre-Game Pep Talk
To say I’m geared up for the football season should hardly come as a surprise. The news that a perpetually drunken suburban husband and dad is looking forward to the NFL kickoff is not news worth of breaking out the “Aliens Land on the White House Lawn!”- sized type face. Like most guys, I always counting down the days until real football begins like a kid popping the little paper doors on his advent calendar waiting for Christmas Day.
Only this year, it’s different. The 2009 NFL season is unlike any other for me and I dare say for any other person worthy of calling themselves a Patriots fan. Every other year is about fun, excitement, entertainment and, of course, winning. This year, above all else is about revenge.
Total, complete revenge. The Patriots season which is about to begin exists for one reason and one reason only: payback. It’s a quest of pure bloodlust. A vendetta, driven by blind rage. It’s time to settle all the family business. All judgment and reason are gone. The Pats are on a mission from God, and vengeance is theirs.
We’ve been witness to... what? Four years in a row now?... of watching other, lesser teams hoist the Lombardi trophy that rightfully belongs to the Patriots of the 21st century. Obviously it’s not easy to win an NFL championship. Beyond talent it requires you to stay healthy, catch breaks, get the bounces, and make crucial plays at critical moments. And four years running now, the Pats have had none of those. A rundown of their last four playoff losses:
2005 : The defending champs went into Denver as ailing and injury riddled as any team to hit the Rockies since the Donner party. And still they were one 103 yard interception return away from winning.
2006 : Again the Pats were on the road in the playoffs all banged up, this time in Indy. When you’re so thin on defense that you’ve got bottom-of-the-roster Special Teamers like Eric Alexander in coverage in situations that will decide a season, even a career playoff choker like Peyton Manning can look good.
2007 : The Pats were an “In-the-grasp” call and Asante Samuel’s butterfingers away from a perfect season.
2008 : The Doomsday Scenario. Tom Brady goes down 7 minutes into the season. And even though it was in many ways their finest hour and the team rallies to 11 wins, they miss the playoffs.
That’s four years in a row where we’ve had to sit there on the first Sunday in February and watch less deserving teams hug each other in the confetti storm. And to make matters worse, twice it was Pittsburgh and twice it was a Manning brother.
And how did the rest of the football world react to the Patriots misfortune? By wallowing in our misery. With mounds, hills, dells, foothills, mountains of Schadenfreude. In ‘05 they bathed in our blood. In ‘06 they made martinis out of our sweat. In ‘07 they brushed their teeth with our tears. In ‘08 they washed their cars with the fluid that drained into Brady’s swollen left knee.
Well this year, even winning back the championship is not enough. Now it’s all about pure, malevolent retribution. 2009 is the Season of Reprisal. For too long the rest of the NFL has enjoyed our suffering and now it’s time for pitiless, remorseless revenge. Forget the complaining about running up the score on poor, defenseless Hall of Famer Joe Gibbs in ‘07. I want nothing less than a Scorched Earth policy through the entire Patriots schedule. I want them to wipe the smug smiles off the cheery little faces of the bastards who enjoyed watching the Pats lose the last four years. I want Sherman’s March to the Sea. Pillage the plantations, steal the women and rape the horses. I want some good old fashioned Pol Pot-style genocide. Next year I want to visit the Hall at Patriots Place and between the 4th Lombardi Trophy and Bucko Kilroy’s snowplow I want to see a wall of made out of the skulls of all the enemies they vanquished this year.
And I have no doubt the Pats players, coaches and staff feel the same way. The difference between them and me though is I can’t do anything about it. They’ll be the ones delivering the blocks, making the tackle and drawing up the gameplans and I’ll still just be a douchebag writing a sports column half drunk in my underwear.
But there is one quality I have that they don’t that can be helpful in a time like this: a bizarre fetish for movie quotes. Back in the Spring I wrote an entire college commencement address that was cobbled together out of quotes from movies. If I can do it to inspire a fictitious audience of slacker college grads, I should be able to do the same for the Patriots players, who are not only real, but I’m almost certain read Barstool Sports. So here’s my pre-game pep talk for the Patriots 2009 season opener, made up of movie quotes (Note: They’re mostly accurate but I’ll paraphrase where necessary):
“Thank you, Patriots players, Coach Belichick, the coaching staff, and Mr. Kraft for letting me speak to you tonight. You know, there’s an old proverb that says “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” [1] And that’s what we’re here tonight for, fellas. Pure, unadulterated revenge. The kind of revenge the rest of the NFL tried to get against you while your franchise quarterback was hurt last year. You'd think after five months of lying on my back, I would have given up any idea of getting even, just be a nice guy and call it a day. Nice guys are fine: you have to have somebody to take advantage of... but they always finish last. [2] So grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you! For what is best in life is to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women! [3]
“Great moments... are born from great opportunity. And that's what you have here, tonight, boys. That's what you've earned here tonight. Tonight, we stay with them. And we shut them down because we can! This is your time. Their time is done. It's over. This is your time. Now go out there and take it. [4] We all know how to play the game--just go out and play it smart! Nobody’s better than us! Get out there and stick 'em! Fuckin' Christ, pop 'em! That's what we're here for guys, to WIN! [5]
“You know, I actually pity those poor bastards we're going up against. By God, I do. We're not just going to beat the bastards. We're going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We're going to murder those lousy bastards by the bushel. [6] My brothers, I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when our courage fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered helmets, when the Age of the Patriots comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand! [7]
“We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part. And we're just the guys to do it. [8] We're gonna go inside, we're gonna go outside, inside and outside. We're gonna get 'em on the run boys and once we get 'em on the run we're gonna keep 'em on the run. And then we're gonna go go go go go go and we're not gonna stop til we get across that goalline. This is a team they say is... is good, well I think we're better than them. They can't lick us, so what do you say men? [9]
“Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives. All comes down to today, and either, we heal as a team, or we're gonna crumble. Inch by inch, play by play. Until we're finished. We're in hell right now, gentlemen. Believe me. And, we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb outta hell... one inch at a time. That's football guys, that's all it is. Now, what are you gonna do? [10]
“Believe meI know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst. [11] You can't play in the man's game, you can't close them - go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. [12] The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! [13] So what can men do in the face of such reckless hate? Run out and meet them. For death and glory. For New England. For your people. [14]
“I want you all to get up now. Get up out of your chairs and yell “I”m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!” [15] when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger. Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood. Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage. [16] That football field out there, that's our universe. Let’s rule it like titans. [17]
“Right lads, now, I know there's not a faint heart among you, and I know you're as anxious as I am to get into close action. Their greed will be their downfall. So quick’s the word, and sharp’s the action. [18] Patriots! “Prepare for glory!!! [19]
“We’re way past “Big Speech” time here. I love you guys. TEAM! “ [20]
[1] Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan and Kill Bill Vol. 1 [2] Payback [3] Conan the Barbarian [4] Miracle [5] Slap Shot [6] Patton [7] LOTRs: The Return of the King [8] Animal House [9] Rudy [10] Any Given Sunday [11] Kingpin [12] Glengarry Glen Ross [13] Rocky Balboa [14] LOTRs: The Two Towers [15] Network [16] Henry V [17] Remember the Titans [18] Master and Commander [19] 300 [Hoosiers]
Note: Large parts of this were lifted from my brother Jack who said I could plagiarize him any time I wanted. Thanks.