Real World Sweet 16

Real World Sweet 16

Like it or not, MTV’s the “Real World” is back for its 16th season, this time in the suddenly hip, and apparently violent town of Austin, Texas. If you caught the premier last week, you’d probably agree that seeing Danny get slugged in the face by a giant Texan was the most painful thing aired on TV in 2005 with the obvious exception, of course, of James Lipton’s interview with Cameron Diaz on “Inside the Actor’s Studio”, which was borderline suicidal. Now then, how does the Texas street fight stand-up amongst classic “Real World” moments from years gone bye? Or, is it too early to tell since we cannot yet put it in historical context? Well, that’s why I’m here - as today, we will be ranking the top 16 “classic moments” in the 16-season history of the show. These are the ones that not only helped the “Real World” become the longest running reality show of all-time (excluding “C.O.P.S”), but these moments, in some cases, are single-handedly responsible for the ruining of people’s lives. (Oh well!) So, without further ado, here they are; the top 16 classic moments in Real World history.

16. “Brynn Throws the Fork” - Las Vegas. In a jealous rage after being rejected from a roommate three-some, Brynn, the prototypical “crazy bisexual with a heart of gold”, decided it would be good idea to chuck a fork at Steven, the one primarily responsible for the denial. Unfortunately things would never be the same between the two, which is usually the case after you throw a fork at someone, and within days Brynn was on-stage “Go-Go dancing” in order to pass the time. It’s interesting to note that the fork-toss itself was shockingly MISSED by all 53 cameras. Quick piece of advice for you reality show directors out there: You see a crazy person, you see a fork, you roll freakin’ tape!

15. “Landon Wields a Butcher Knife” - Philadelphia. Back to back kitchen utensils to start the list? Hey, sometimes that’s how it woks out. Probably the scariest moment of the entire Sweet 16 has a drunken Landon wielding a butcher knife at 3 in the morning seeking out his roommate’s hippie friends. It took several gay dudes plus MJ, but thankfully they were able to corral the future “Inferno II” winner before he went all “OJ”.

14. “Frankie’s Face-plant” – San Diego. On the roommate’s first night in the house, Frankie, a self-described “punk rocker”, first publicly expressed her love for her boyfriend (mistake #1), then, proceeded to get obliterated at the mandatory first night hot tub scene (mistake #2), and finally, after hooking up with Brad, the token frat guy, stumbled out of the Jacuzzi, face-planted herself on the ground, and 5 minutes later passed out soaking wet on a bean-bag covered in her own throw-up (mistakes # 3, 4, 5 and 6). Yeah, I’d say that’s a classic moment.

13. “Naked Anessa Takes a Dump….With the Door Wide Open!!” – Chicago. As Seinfeld once said, “There’s good naked, and there’s bad naked.” Even if you didn’t see this one, just take my word, it was definitely “bad naked.”

12. “British Dude Gets Tongue Bit Off” - London. BY FAR the most memorable moment from the laid back London season was when Neil, the incredibly condescending British punk singer, had his tongue bitten off by a deranged fan while performing on stage. To the delight of the house, and most Americans, he couldn’t talk for a month.

11. “Just Ruthie Being Ruthie” – Hawaii. After the Austin cast’s first night in Texas, a stunned Rachel commented that she “couldn’t believe this happened on the first night.” Um, have you ever watched the f’n show?!?! Please. On Ruthie’s first night in Hawaii, she went to the hospital the old fashioned way – in an ambulance. None of this taxi cab bullshit.

10. “C.T. Fakes the Flowers” - Paris. This is how you make the “Real World” Hall of Fame – by taking credit for flowers sent to a chick that YOU DIDN’T SEND. You can’t teach stuff like that. I met C.T. at Felt in downtown Boston last year and I asked him about the incident. In typical C.T. fashion he responded, “That wasn’t my fault. Ace is a pussy.” Then he turned around and walked away. Classic…

9. “The Puck/Rachel Kiss” – San Francisco. I mentioned earlier that the Cameron Diaz interview with Lipton was the most painful thing I’ve seen on TV in 2005 – and that’s true. But it’s still not even close to the agony viewers had to endure when the future mother of the world’s first reality baby – Rachel, hooked up with the dirtiest bike messenger the world has ever seen, in Puck. Just a disturbing, disturbing scene at some shady park in San Fran.

8. “Miami Shower Scene” – Miami (FL). Not to be confused with the one in Ohio, this risqué scene featured roommate A, Sarah, trying to push roommate B, Flora, through a 10 inch wide bathroom window in order to spy on two other roommates “+ 1” engaging in acts of passion in the shower. Neither Flora nor MTV viewers could catch a glimpse of the action, but we could certainly hear the whole thing…that is, until Flora’s cans predictably broke the window, shattering the glass on the bathroom floor.

7. “The Original Bitch Slap”- Seattle. In order to make this list, you’re going to need some historical significance within the context of the show. Correct me if I’m wrong now, but in the history of the “Real World” has a metro-sexual black man ever slapped an annoying girl with Lyme disease through the passenger-side window of a slow moving car? Actually, has this ever happened, anywhere?? Probably not. Therefore, Steven’s “historic” bitch-slap of Irene comes in at #7.

6. “Come On Be My Baby Tonight” - New Orleans. You know what, let’s everybody just take a few seconds to sing, either out loud or to themselves (preferably out loud) David’s classic ballad from 2000. Remember to close your eyes. I’ll start. “Come-on be-my-baby tonight…” 2nd verse – “Come-on be-my-baby tonight....” A little faster, “Comeonbemybabyto-night...” Are there any other words?

5. “Las Vegas Hot Tub” – Las Vegas. The first night mandatory hot tub scene last week in Austin certainly produced good results with the lip-locking of Rachel and Melinda. But to be fair, that was more of a “tee-hee-hee, lets make out, tee-hee-hee” type hook-up. What happened at the Palms a few years back between Stephen, Trishelle and Brynn, now that, THAT was some serious shit. TV guide called it “Reality TV’s finest hour.” Actually that’s what I just called it, but whatever.

4. “Puck Sticks His Finger in the Peanut Butter” – San Francisco. Of all the things Puck did and said to piss off Pedro, sticking his finger in the peanut butter jar was what led to his memorable and unceremonious eviction. Puck, a legitimate asshole of a human being, did make one hell of reality show character, and we really haven’t seen anything like him since.

3. “The First Fight” – New York. The first “real” moment when cash registers started going off at MTV had to be when Kevin, the show’s first “angry black male”, and Julie, the show’s first “naïve Southern girl”, verbally sparred about racism on the streets of Manhattan. It was so real, some people actually questioned if they were acting, if that makes sense. It turned out to be very real, and “cha-ching!”, a show was born.

2. “IT ISN’T, NOT, FUNNY!”- L.A. Here we go again with Tami, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Kenny Anderson. This time it’s for screaming the classic double negative that made her famous and ultimately led to the world’s first reality show eviction. If you forgot - David was the dude’s name, and when he maliciously pulled the sheets off a scantily clad Tami, his name became etched in history….and, Barstool Sports.

1. “Teck and Ruthie Dive Right In!” – Hawaii. If anyone is still looking for redeeming value anywhere in the show nowadays, just stop. Please, stop. You’re not going to find it. As we see from #3, there was actually a time when it existed. Unlike steroids in baseball, fortunately for us there’s a distinct line you can draw that separates the 2 “Real World” era’s. And that line was drawn the moment Teck and Ruthie went skinny-dipping 10 minutes into the Hawaii season. We didn’t know it at the time, but that totally changed the direction of the show from a somewhat meaningful, social experiment, to soft-core porn with hipper music. So here’s to you, Teck and Ruthie! On behalf of America, we thank you.