Ranking The Girls Of 90210

In honor of Jennie Garth's 35th birthday, lets rank the ladies of Beverly Hills 90210.

15. Andrea Zuckerman- Just a grating personality. Congrats, Andrea, you grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and became the editor of The Beverly Beat. Nice job. But you looked bad doing it. Maybe it was because you were really from Van Nuys and living with your grandmother and you just couldn't afford jean overalls or spandex or hats but you were atrocious. Mrs. Teesley should have pulled you aside and let you know that presentation matters. That's why Brandon was summering at The Globe and you were stuck making dinner for your loser husband.

14. Donna Martin- She was a virgin because she was saving herself for marriage. Yeah right.

13. Jackie Taylor- If you were with Jackie Taylor, you were guaranteed of two things. One, you were getting lucky. Jackie Taylor was an absolute whore. Just a total skank. And two, you were probably going to be taking her to the ER sometime in the evening. Jackie Taylor had such a coke problem that I'm surprised she wasn't a late 1980's NBA draft pick.

12. Mrs. Walsh- Cindy Walsh is a freak. She has that grown-up hippie, "I still believe in free love" vibe working. Every time Brandon and Brenda would leave the house, Jim and Cindy would be ripping each other's clothes off. Maybe it was James Eckhouse's sexy hairy chest that did it for Cindy but make no mistake about it- Cindy got down. A lot. And she never cared when Brandon and Brenda were throwing down in their bedrooms. Cindy was cool like that.

11. Carly Reynolds- No wonder they cast her as a dude. Hilary Swank was rough back in the day. All teeth and bangs.

10. Janet Sosna- There are Asian people in California? What- that's crazy talk. Los Angeles is obviously full of lots and lots and lots of attractive white people. And D'Shawn Hardell. But he was a basketball player so that made sense. Janet married Steve Sanders and then her parents disowned her because they didn't approve of Steve because he was white and Asian people hate white people. I learned that on Beverly Hills 90210.

9. Emily Valentine- No way Brandon Walsh could handle her between the sheets. Dylan, maybe, but B was out of his league with this freakshow. Valentine was crazy. She did drugs, ruined parade floats and wore hats. She definitely pulled out the strap-on with Brandon. I'm just saying. But you know I'm right.

8. Clare Arnold- Brandon ended up with all the freaks. Clare was whoring it up in high school, trying to nail the college Brandon. I remember her wearing a lot of vests. And she still looks pretty good.

7. Lucinda Nicholson- Honestly, has there ever been a more unrealistic portrayal of a college sex life than Brandon Walsh at CU? I mean the guy was just nailing everything that moved. But none of them were hotter than Lucinda. And she was married to Brandon's professor. Oh, Brandon, you sneaky bastard! You bang the guy's wife and you help Steve steal his baseball. Brandon Walsh is a madman.

6. Susan Keats- Got knocked up and had an abortion. Wrote about it. Currently Communications Director for Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign.

5. Brenda Walsh- For all the hype, she's actually a prude. Made eyes at Dylan for years and then banged Superman. Her eyes also don't match. Non-matching eyes have to be taken into consideration. If not, there'll be anarchy.

4. Antonia Marchette- Rebecca Gayheart should have just stopped while the going was good. These were her glory days- commercials, 90210, dying in Dylan's arms as he curses God for taking his soulmate. It was all down hill from there- receding hairline, killing people and too much plastic surgery.

3. Kelly Taylor- She gets points for being absolutely indestructible- drugs, sexual assault, drive-bys, cults, fires- you name it and Kelly Taylor beat it. I like to remember Kelly the way she was on the first season of 90210- an absolutely out of control slut.

2. Gina Kincaid- The producers had absolutely no idea what to do with her they were just psyched that Vanessa Marcil was on the show.

1. Valerie Malone- I'm firmly convinced that there are deleted scenes out there of Valerie banging Brandon and Jim Walsh. Valerie banged everyone and somehow managed to own the Peach Pit After Dark. And she thought she had HIV and she killed her dad. Now that's a TV character.