Random Thoughts
1. Somebody sent me a link which featured a review of Barstool Sports new blog format. This is what it had to say;
“Making the case for blog evolution
Submitted by adamg on April 25, 2006 - 8:57am.
On Pasquinade, Amy dissectsaBarstool Sports postcomplaining about how fat Kelly Clarkson supposedly is:
... Of course, I am sure the models for Barstool Sports are just giving it right up to this undoubtedly hot guy who just sits around badmouthing women in the guise of "humor." Of course, I'm a big fattie because I'm not laughing at her too. Fuck off. Grow some thumbs and evolve, gentlemen.
First of all I have no idea what pasquinade means. I’ll give three free El Presidente points to whoever can tell me what that is. Second, I didn’t write the Kelly Clarkson blog entry so all mean emails should go to Jamie Chisholm. And third and most importantly, is this lady spying on me? This is the most accurate description I’ve ever heard of what it means to be El Presidente. I go to our photo shoots, crack crude jokes and get head from all the cover girls. Yup, it’s quite a life. As a side note, I’m totally going to steal the “grow some thumbs” line and use it as my own.
2. I think everybody has drastically and I mean drastically underestimated Keith Foulke’s intelligence. Clearly he is a master agitator. Keith Foulke is playing mind games with Red Sox fans. How else can you explain his recent comments on Boston.com that he deserves the disputed World Series baseball? Here is what he had to say on this seemingly dead issue.
“It's not on my mantel where it should be," Foulke told the Hartford Courant.
"As far as I know, I've never heard of a team wanting the ball so badly," Foulke said. "It's one of those deals where I got the last out. I think that's kind of the common practice in baseball [to give the ball to the pitcher on the mound]."
Huh? What the hell is he talking about? This is so outrageous that he had to say it just to get a rise out of Red Sox fans. It’s like when I claim that the reason I win in fantasy football is because of my 4-3 scheme on defense and great locker room guys. It’s so irrational that it can’t be taken seriously. And the weird thing is I’m starting to like Foulke because of it. I find myself waiting with baited breath to hear what he says next.
3. I think it's time that we put together a Hot Predatory Teacher Beauty Pageant. My odds-on favorite would be Warren County Tennessee gym teacher Pamela Rogers. Pamela is not only the best looking (and believe me, in a category that includes Debra LaFave, that is saying something) female pedophile teacher on the circuit, she's the boldest and most persistent. Having already gone to jail for canoodling with a 13 year-old student, she was released and ordered to stay away from the lucky, lucky lad. But upon her release, Pammy set up a MySpace page where she addressed the young lottery winner as "32" which is his basketball uniform number. Then she set up a Hotmail account they could both access called "happyending32." Then this enviable boy started receiving naked pictures and homemade porn videos in the mail from her. Rogers is currently out on bail pending a probation violation hearing in July.
4. I’m glad to report that apparently not all the Celtics missed the playoffs this year. Doc Rivers is in action as the color analyst for TNT’s coverage of the Cavs vs. the Wizards playoff series. Am I the only one bothered by this? I mean doesn’t Doc Rivers have better things to do than announce playoff games? This shit may fly in Orlando, but not in Boston. I think it definitely sends the wrong message to Celtics fans. I’m under the impression that being a professional head coach is a 24/7/365 job, especially when you suck. I find it hard to believe that he couldn’t be doing something productive for the Celtics right now like scouting for the draft. And even if there is absolutely nothing that he could be doing to help the team, he should still be too sick to his stomach about this past season to announce playoff games. It just isn’t right. But on the bright side TNT did make fun of Doc by showing a picture of him, Kenny Smith and Paul Pierce fishing. I'm sure Doc thought that was a hoot.
5. Inside Track -SCOTT BAIOrevealed his secret behind bedding buxom babes such as Pam Anderson, Heather LocklearandNicole Eggertin May’s issue of Stuffmagazine. “Just be completely upfront,” the “Charles in Charge” star suggests. “Just say something like, ‘Hello, I like you and I wanna make out,’ without sounding like a complete (bleep).”
Okay, before I dissect Scott Baio’s dating advice can we please qualify the fact that he banged these chicks like three decades ago. I mean who can’t nail a costar when you’re a big swinging dick on Charles and Charge? When is the last time Baio hooked a big fish? We’re not talking Wilmer Valderamma here. As a side note, I can’t believe Wilmer was on the Soprano’s last night. It ruined the whole show for me) Anyway, I dare somebody to go down into Faneuil Hall and use Baio’s pick up line on a random chick. If you walk up to a girl at Ned Devine’s and say “Hello, I like you and I wanna make out” I guarantee it’s going to end badly. Either you’re going to end up making out with a fat chick who will make out with anybody, you’re going to get punched in the face by a dude who thinks he’s with that girl you’re hitting on or you’re going to get made fun of. It’s just not sound advice. We’ve done tons of research in our Ms. Barstool Sports competition and never once have I heard that a good pick up line is “Hello, I like you and I wanna make out.” I hope Nicole Eggert didn’t fall for that one.
6. Well Ricky Manning Jr. finally answered the question that all of us have been wondering for a long time and that is how to professional athletes celebrate after signing a huge contract. And apparently the answer is by beating up nerds. Somewhere Stan Gable is smiling. Manning who signed a 21 million dollar offer sheet with the Chicago Bears on Friday was arrested and charged with assault with a deadly weapon after a melee at a Denny's restaurant left a patron unconscious. According to the police report this is what happened;
“Manning was in a group that attacked a man in the restaurant after teasing him for working on a laptop computer.
"The group began by making comments that the victim looked like a geek or a nerd,'' Lewis said.
The victim asked the group to stop and then complained to a Denny's manager before someone in the group punched him in the face. He then was punched and kicked by multiple attackers until losing consciousness, Lewis said.
Hmm, working on a laptop seems as good a reason as any to beat somebody up. The Tri Lambda’s have yet to comment on the incident.
7. Keith Hernandez, famous for his slick fielding, smooth moustache and involvement in the second-spitter fiasco, has decided that being a well-paid broadcaster is just too lucrative and easy. During Saturday's Mets-Padres game, Hernandez went on a rant about the presence of Kelly Calabrese, one of the Padres' trainers (unbeknownst to Hernandez), in the San Diego dugout.
"Who is the girl in the dugout, with the long hair?" Hernandez said. "What's going on here? You have got to be kidding me. Only player personnel in the dugout." Yup, in a sport where rampant steroid abuse has forever tainted the game's greatest records Hernandez is apoplectic because an honest-to-god woman, with her long hair, wacky non-penis and feminine wiles has dared to sit on the bench.
"I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout," Hernandez said. I'm sure that NOW is psyched that Keith made such a clear distinction. As far as Keith is concerned women can go to war but they should never be anywhere near a major league dugout.
But Keith wasn't done. "You know I am only teasing. I love you gals out there -- always have." Let me tell you something, Keith. If you plan to get back into a woman's or in this case women's good graces, you're probably better off not calling them "gals."
8. A New York judge has ruled that workers have a right to surf the Internet during business hours, as long as it doesn’t interfere with their work (like that ever happens). Halleluiah! Now people can be on barstoolsports.com all day and they have the law on their side if their boss tries to be a hard-ass. The ruling came after Mayor Michael Bloomberg fired a worker in the city's legislative office in Albany earlier this year after he saw the man playing a game of solitaire on his computer. In his decision, Spooner wrote: "It should be observed that the Internet has become the modern equivalent of a telephone or a daily newspaper, providing a combination of communication and information that most employees use as frequently in their personal lives as for their work." He added: "For this reason, city agencies permit workers to use a telephone for personal calls, so long as this does not interfere with their overall work performance. Many agencies apply the same standard to the use of the Internet for personal purposes." And people complain that judges have too much power.
9. What is up with SportsCenter's new "Spanning the Globe" segment, some dude standing in front of an old weather map and highlighting sports stories from around the country? Is it just me or isn't this what SportsCenter already does? I thought the idea of SportsCenter was to show highlights from sports from around the country and world. Does ESPN really need a miniSportsCenter segment within the regular hour long SportsCenter show? For all the time that SportsCenter spent on the "Spanning the Globe" segment, Stuart Scott could have read the same stories, composed12 spoken word poems about Dwayne Wade, appeared on two episodes of I Love the 80's and shopped for a new glass eye online.
10. I had a meeting last week with McFadden’s around noon so I hopped in the Astrovan and headed from sunny Abington into Faneuil Hall. Now I’m not an idiot. I know with all the construction around Atlantic Ave there was bound to be some traffic. But I was a bit confused on why there were approximately 9 million teenyboppers running all over the place in Faneuil Hall. And then I remembered that it was school vacation week. Yuck. You know you’re getting old when school vacation week officially becomes a gigantic pain in the ass. It looked like the Aquarium was giving away free blow jobs or something it was so busy in there. And forget about getting a slice at Regina’s. I took one step in the food court, swore out loud, turned around and ended up eating at some shit deli. I’m knocking on the door of 30 years old and I already hate kids and hate school vacation week. I felt like a bitter old man yelling at kids to stay on the side walk and follow the rules. I wonder if this goes in cycles? I’m thinking that once I have kids I’ll like them again, but until I do, I’m with all the senior citizens who wish little people would just stay out of my way.
11. It was emasculating enough that my first trip to the gym in over a year ended with me wheezing for breath and dry-heaving over the bathroom sink. And it only got worse from there. After leaving the gym, I struggled to remain upright as I trudged through Copley Square. The 15-minute walk home was too much to fathom so I grabbed a cab. When I got home, I could barely speak and just collapsed on my bed. I was asleep within seconds. A few weeks later, I thought that I was making progress. Even went for a run along the Esplanade today with my dog. Drank some Gatorade afterwards and started thinking about how I could get away with going shirtless at work all summer when I read this: In an interview in the The New York Times Magazine that will appear this coming Sunday, Madeleine Albright reveals, among other things, that even at 68, she works out three times a week "and I can leg-press up to 400 pounds." Freakin' Madeline Albright can leg press 400 pounds! She's an old lady and a really unhealthy looking old lady at that. Back when she was Secretary of State a decade ago, it looked like her frail legs could barely handle her Telatubby body. Now, she's throwing up 400 pounds and I'm ready to lay down and die after a few squats. I'm just glad she doesn't go to my gym.
12. Can we please end the controversy about how good the bums are that play outside Fenway and TD Banknorth? Why is there always that one buddy you're exiting the game with that legitimately thinks they're the real deal? DUDE. They're f'n BUMS. They're not good at what they do. THAT'S WHY THEY'RE BUMS. Don't you think if they were actually good drummers they'd be some place a little.... I don't know, warmer? But the buddy is always so adamant. "Nah, man. You don't know music, dude. This guy could probably play for Springsteen, I'm telling you."
13. This is ridiculous. Some old bag from Jersey hit a nickel slot for $10 million in AC the other day. Here's the best part - she's 84 years old and hasn't decided whether to take the lump sum or the 25 year annuity! Well add another one to the "How Old is Too Old" list... Too Old to Take the Annuity - max age: probably younger than 84!
14. "The PITTSBURGH POST-GAZETTE reports Penn State women’s basketball coach Rene Portland was reprimanded and fined $10,000 by the school after a six-month internal investigation that found she produced a "hostile, intimidating, and offensive environment" for players she thought were lesbians." Hmm, this doesn’t make much sense does it? This would be like a football coach creating a hostile, intimidating and offensive environment for guys who run real fast and have great hands. I mean if you’re not going to embrace lesbians you can’t expect to win in women’s hoops, women’s softball, women’s ice hockey, or men’s figure skating. It sounds like Rene Portland picked the wrong profession. Don't be a bartender if you hate drunks.
15. A 76-year old Florida man, who didn't exactly finish seven years of medical school, was recently arrested because he was offering door-to-door breast exams. He walked around neighborhoods in Broward County, carrying a black doctor's bag, knocking on doors and asking women if they would like a free breast exam. Two unbelievably stupid women actually agreed and let Philip Winikoff feel them up. This is an absolute miscarriage of justice. This old guy was probably just tired of sitting around his crappy house, watching reruns of Unsolved Mysteries, growing lonelier by the day. He figured that he might as well swing for the fences so he came up with a ridiculous scam that only a brain-dead coma patient would fall for. Winikoff was probably as shocked I was that two women would actually fall for his touchy-feely routine. And in an unrelated note, I will be giving free breast exams for women 18-25 at the next Barstool event.
16. In a plucky move, the Manchester (NH) Board of Aldermen has approved changing the name of the Manchester Airport to the Manchester-Boston Regional Airport. The NHers are hoping that moronic travelers from around the world will see the new name and assume that Manchester, New Hampshire, is right across the street from Boston, Massachusetts, and book their travel through the Granite State. I have to admit that I like this move. What the hell does Manchester Airport have to lose? And the fact is that the drive from Manchester to Boston is probably about the same as getting from Newark to NYC or from Baltimore-Washington International to downtown DC. But the funniest part of this story is the question on Boston.com about whether or not Logan should rename itself in response. I can only imagine that since Mayor Menino wants to turn downtown Boston into a crappy amalgam of the very worst of New York City and Los Angeles that it's only a matter of time until Logan is rechristened as the Greater New York City Super-Duper Regional Airport.
17. Dlisted.com - A North Carolina woman is suingWal-Mart, because she claims an employee masturbated in front of her young daughter. The event took place six years ago in their local Wal-Mart. Maria Collins claims that three-time convicted sex offender, Bobby Devon Randall,approached her daughter and started touching his dick in front of her. When a customer appeared, he fled, but returned to finish the deed.
The entire incident was caught on video. Now that's not the hot part of the story. The next day, Maria came back to the store and told the store manager the entire dirty deed. And what did thestore managerdo? She offered Maria a $25 Gift Certificate to Wal-Mart.
I’m glad I read this story. From now on whenever the Stool gets sued or gets in trouble of any kind I’m going to offer the victim a $10 Girt Certificate to Barstool Sports. I don’t even know what you’d do with that, but if $25 bucks is all Wal-mart is offering to customers who have been sexually violated then surely $10 bucks can solve any problem we may run into.
18. Okay, raise your hand if you’ve watched any of the World Paintball Championships on ESPN. I’ll admit that my hand is firmly in the air and I have no idea why. I’m always a sucker for weird events like this. If you say something is a world championship, I’ll watch it whether that be a spelling bee, flag football, rock climbing, cooking or really anything else. But I think it’s safe to say Paintball is the worst spectator event I’ve ever seen on TV in my life. Essentially it’s just lots of yelling and screaming that you can’t understand followed by the announcer saying that somebody is hit and you get to watch as they walk off the course. You have no idea who hit him or how he got hit and the replays can’t even detect what happened. It’s kind of like watching a scene in 24 when they intentionally make everything dark so you have no clue what’s going on. Imagine this for 30 straight minutes and you have the riveting world of World Paintball Championships.
Reader Email
Email #1
I got this email today and I couldn't wait to publish it.
I don't know if you've addressed this yet, but Fez's vanity project/ reality show is easily my least favorite show of all time. It has to be a frontrunner for worst series in the history of television. My hatred for this show is only magnified by my even more intense hatred of Fez himself. Or maybe my hatred is blinding me and it's actually a good show? Probably not.
Eric
I need to clarify that we have addressed this issue multiple times. But in hindsight I guess we should be mentioning it every single day until this show is pulled from the airwaves. There is no doubt that Yo Momma is the worst show in the history of television. And it would be a true injustice if Fez ever gets another job in Hollywood again. This thing is an absolute career killer. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that Wilmer pulls ass like he does. I hope that every chick who considers sleeping with him now watches this show before making their final decision.