Random Thoughts

1. The following story was on the Inside Track regarding MIX 98.5’s Kelly Malone. Apparently she was sent to Vegas to cover the Radio Music Awards and accept station music director Mike Mullaney’s award for “Music Director of the Year”. Kelly Malone got half the job done. She successfully accepted the award at the ceremony but unfortunately forgot to bring it back to Boston. Apparently at UNH they teach you how to accept the award, but just not how to hold onto the award. “And that's really the most important part of accepting an award: the holding onto it. Anybody can just accept them.”

2. I’m sad to report that the “Time to Make the Donuts” guy is dead. I for one will buy a chocolate donut with my coffee tomorrow to pay my respects. I suggest you do the same.

3. Two men accused of attempting to extort $1 million from Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony in exchange for Lopez’s stolen laptop, which held a digital copy of the couple's June 2004 nuptials, were arrested during an NYPD sting operation Tuesday. Tito Moses, 31, and Steven Wortman, 40, were busted after trying to sell the video to undercover cops posing as Anthony's associates. "Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez are completely thrilled," Major Case Squad Inspector Michael Hines said.

It’s good to now that the NYPD has nothing better to do than set up sting operations to retrieve JLo and Marc Anthony’s wedding video. And who are these two geniuses who want 1 million bucks for the tape? It’s a wedding video right? JLo must have like 20 of these things floating around. Regardless, it’s good to know that crime stands no chance in the Big Apple.

4. HOLLYWOOD, Fla. -- Florida State's leading tackler was suspended by the team for the Fiesta Bowl after a 19-year-old woman accused him of sexually assaulting her. A decision regarding whether to charge senior linebacker A.J. Nicholson will be made following the completion of an investigation expected to extend into next week, police said. When asked about the impact of the suspension on the rest of the team, Bowden said, "You learn lessons from other people's mistakes." The coach declined further comment.

Hmm, I think it’s finally time for Bobby Bowden to reevaluate this theory about his players learning from other players’ mistakes. Call me crazy, but I don’t think this policy is working for the Noles.

5. The pencil-in-the-ear reign of Mike Tice is over. Tice was fired by Viking’s owner Zigy Wolf an hour after beating the Bears last week. Many of the Viking players expressed their disgust with the decision and who can blame them? You’re not going to find many head coaches who not only allow sex cruises, whizinators, walking off the field before games are over and scalping tickets, but actually partake in some of these activities. Who wouldn’t want to play for Mike Tice? The always elegant Mike Tice stole a line from Rocky IV to sum up his emotions. "Of course I'm hurt. I'm a man, not a machine," Mike, I couldn’t have summed it up better myself. As a side note, the new Vikings coach has loser written all over him. I haven’t seen a less impressive looking coach since the Jerry Burns era in Minnesota.

6. COLUMBUS, Ohio – Lucas Nyarko, who told police he was robbed in an alley behind a bar early Sunday says he doesn't know if it was former Denver Broncos running back Maurice Clarett dressed in black who told him to empty his pockets. But police were searching for Clarett, who was accused of using a gun to rob Nyarko and a friend shortly before 2 a.m. Sunday. Nyarko said his friend identified Clarett after police showed her photographs, and police said the bar owner, who came outside during the robbery, knew Clarett. Nyarko said he and his friend were approached by a man dressed in black, who told them he needed something. Nyarko said the man pulled up his shirt and showed them a gun tucked in his pants. The man moved the gun to the front of his waistband and told them to empty their pockets. Nyarko said after he handed the man his cell phone, a woman came out of the bar and yelled, "Maurice!" in greeting to the man, who hugged her. He then carried the woman, who police said was bar owner Tashona Corvi, toward the SUV, put her down and got in the vehicle.

Hmm, if it turns out that this was indeed Maurice Clarett who committed this robbery I think it’s safe to say he doesn’t have a bright future in crime. Clarett seemingly broke every rule in the book during this heist. First of all, you don’t flirt with chicks who know you in the middle of armed robberies. And you never pick them up and carry them anywhere during the heist. Time is of the essence when you’re trying to make your getaway. Second, you don’t want to commit the crime in places where everybody knows what you look like. For example if I wanted to rob somebody I wouldn’t do it in the middle of Trivia Night. It just isn’t practical. Let’s just hope that this wasn’t Clarett because this would be a major setback in his maturation process.

7. My advice for the week is to bet as much money as you can on the Patriots to win the Superbowl. There is no doubt in my mind that we’re going to make history in a on February 5th.

8. I bought the First Lady a watch for Christmas. I looked in a bunch of different stores and can say without a shadow of a doubt that the biggest pricks I encountered were at Alpha Omega. The people who work there seemed to think that I should pay them just for the privilege of being allowed inside the store. Listen, I don’t care whether I look like I can’t afford to take a shit in your bathroom, give me a little god damn respect when I’m shopping there. It’s freaking insulting. If Barstool Sports ever makes it big I swear to god I’m going to go back to that store with a humongous wad of cash and pick out the most expensive watch in the store only to change my mind seconds before the clerk rings it up.

9. This next random thought goes out to all football coaches. There is no rule that says after you get a turnover you need to run a triple reverse half back pass on the next play. Somewhere along the line this became an iron clad rule and as a result it never works. The defense never gets fooled. It’s a more obvious play call than a 33 smash.

10. I’d like to give a shout out to the Boston Sports Review. Nice of you guys to finally put out your “special double issue” at the end of December or as I call it the “we can’t afford to publish issues in both December and January issue.” I also notice that you guys are now on the 1 issue every couple of months plan. Hmm, I wonder if your advertisers realize that this is the new strategy? My guess is no. Also, I’ve got to tip my cap to the guy they used to have doing sales over there. I know how hard it is to get advertising in general so I can’t imagine how difficult it must be when nobody is reading your publication and you skip issues because of financial problems. I’d gladly hire their sales guy in a second. I’ve heard great things about him and if he can sell ads in the BSR, he could make millions with us.

11. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. The Stool isn’t doing our job if we’re not getting boycotted by somebody. Therefore, I’m happy to report that Wachovia Securities has banned our website and emails from their corporate server. We have been filed in the category of “provocative attire.”

12. According to the Boston Herald Mo Vaughn is planning on opening a new high-end car wash in Attleboro. After months of thinking of a name for his new project, Mo finally settled on “Mo Vaughn Express Car Wash”. Brilliant! Anyway “if the concept works, look for more of the roadside mega facilities as part of a small regional chain “ Also look for a lawsuit when Mo starts using the Modell’s jingle of “Let’s go down to Mo’s.” My question is why would Mo Vaughn want to get into the Car Wash business? He couldn’t have blown through all his money already right? And I don’t know much about the car wash business but it doesn’t look easy. I certainly wouldn’t want to go head to head with Sonny’s on the Lynnway. They’ve got like 19 guys ready to dry your car at all times.

13. I have the #1 pick in my fantasy draft next year. I’m anticipating 12 months of agonizing over whether to select Larry Johnson or LT with the first pick. Right now I’m leaning towards Johnson.

14. This next random thought goes out to all the Pats fans that are planning on traveling to Detroit for the Super Bowl this year. As much as Detroit sucks as a city there are some benefits. Mainly the fact that Windsor, Canada is right across the river and as we all know anything goes in Canada. I learned this lesson in my college days. And it sounds as though Windsor is going to be on steroids for the Super Bowl. The Detroit News reports that in anticipation of Super Bowl crowds, Havana Heaven and other retailers are stocking hundreds of extra Cuban cigars. Also the all-nude clubs known in the region as the "Windsor Ballet" are also gearing up for a big week: "Clubs like Cheetah's of Windsor say women from around the world have been applying in droves to bare it all and dance during Super Bowl week. “Escort services reported that they received requests for reservations beginning more than a year ago,” according to the News. While street solicitation of prostitution is illegal, sex-for-money arrangements through "escort services" is legal in Windsor. The article quoted the owner of four all-nude clubs as saying Super Bowl week is "like a dream" for his and similar vice businesses. So the moral of this story is don’t go bashing Detroit too much. Sure the weather sucks and the city sucks but there will be plenty of gambling, prostitution and Cuban cigars to go around.

15. People are still buzzing about Vince Young’s performance in the Rose Bowl. All of a sudden people are proclaiming him the next big thing in the NFL. I’m here to tell you that Vince Young will not be a great NFL QB. He may not even be a good QB. I’ve heard some people say he is a bigger, faster, better version of Michael Vick. This is the furthest thing from the truth. Mike Vick was much better in college than Vince Young. Mike Vick almost single-handedly beat an FSU team in the National Title game which was loaded on defense. What people have to remember about last night’s game is that USC’s defense is horrible. They made Paul Pinnegar look like Tom Brady earlier in the season. Vince Young is not a very accurate passer and he has horrible mechanics and is nowhere near as elusive as Michael Vick. What happened in the Rose Bowl was just as much a function of USC being over rated as it was Young’s greatness. I think Leinart is over rated as well. I still think the first QB I’d select in the draft would be the kid from Vanderbilt whose dad tries to fight people in the stands.

16. Lindsey Lohan has finally come forward and admitted that she dabbled in drugs and suffered from bulimia. Lohan told Vanity Fair that she sought help after NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” creator Lorne Michaels and head writer Tina Fey sat her down before she hosted the show in May. “They said, ‘You need to take care of yourself. We care about you too much, and we’ve seen too many people do this, and you’re talented.’ “And I just started bawling,” Lohan said. “I knew I had a problem and I couldn’t admit it.” She remembers when she watched that “SNL” episode she realized her “arms were disgusting. I had no arms.” Yeah, that’s how I noticed she had a problem too! Her arms got smaller. That’s what I noticed. If it weren’t for her arms getting smaller I would have never noticed any difference. Well that and her huge boobs disappeared.

17. Well it’s good to know that the Bills won’t be a factor in the AFC East for the next decade or so. Ralph Wilson has somehow hired Marv Levy to become the VP of Football operations. I guess this means you can cross Marv Levy’s name off the dead or not list. I have nothing against old people, but I don’t see the 109 year old Levy relating to the Randy Moss’s of the world. I’d love to be a fly on the wall watching him negotiate Willis McGahee’s contract with Drew Rosenhous. You can really trace all the Bills struggles back to the day they benched Flutie in the playoffs against Tennessee and fell victim to the Music City Miracle.

18. Move over lacrosse and underwater hockey. Here comes bowling! Yup, the fastest-growing high school sport is bowling. That's the word from the National Federation of State High School Associations, which says that bowling as a varsity sport posted the most gains in the 2004-05 school year in terms of the number of players and the number of schools adding teams. Bowling is hot in high schools, reports The Associated Press. Sixteen states recognize it as a varsity sport, four times as many since 1999. Schools in most of the other states either recognize bowling as a club or plan to start a bowling team soon. This didn't happen by chance. The bowling industry has made a concerted effort to market to teenagers through late-night glow-in-the- dark bowling and dance club environments. Gym teachers are even offered bowling kits that come complete with plastic balls, pins and a 20-foot long carpet that acts like a bowling lane.

19. I haven’t slept in a week because I’m still having nightmares about watching Kenny Mayne on Dancing with the Stars. This will be an image that will haunt me for years to come. It was disgusting on every level. His herky jerky motions made me throw up in my mouth. (I don’t care if that is a Simmons line or not.) I wanted to change the channel but I was paralyzed with fright. Thank God Stacey Keibler and her 9 foot legs were next to ease the pain just a bit. By the way the only reason I was watching this show in the first place was to see Jerry Rice. I figured I owed it to arguably the greatest football player of all time to tune in. I will say that one of the few redeeming quality of Dancing with the Stars is listening to the male ballroom dancers describe themselves. There’s nothing like hearing somebody call themselves the “bad boy of ballroom dancing” or “the Keanu Reeves of Ballroom dancing.” Seriously.

20. Well I wonder what all the Patriot Haters/morons/people who deny reality will say next about the Pats? For the past 2 months the most popular excuse with all the “media experts” was that the Pats stretch run didn’t mean anything because they didn’t beat anybody with a winning record. Despite how much tape Ron Jaworski claims to watch he couldn’t seem to notice that the Pats were improving every week and playing the best football in the league by the end of the year. Well if my research is correct, and I think it is, the Jags were a healthy12-4 on the season. Also, I couldn’t help but notice the Bucs were playing this weekend as well. Hmm, aren’t those two playoff teams that the Patriots have absolutely throttled in the past month? Anybody who doesn’t think the Patriots are the team to beat in the playoffs simply doesn't know football and shouldn’t be allowed to talk about it. There is no doubt that the Pats should be at least a field goal favorite the rest of the way regardless of whom or where they are playing. Let me ask you this; do you think that Vince Lombardi’s Packers were ever the underdog in the middle of their championship run before somebody proved they could beat them? Of course not and this Patriot team is not only better than Lombardi’s Packers, but they are better than any team in the history of football. It is a slap in the face whenever they aren’t the favorite. It just means that people still don’t comprehend how transcendent this team is. It is the greatest run in the history of football and it will never be repeated and there is no end in sight. So yes Tom Brady is 100% accurate when he says the Pats are still disrespected. The only solace is that as long as people keep disrespecting the Pats, I can keep killing the bookmaker and making easy money.

21. I thought the Colts had a bye last week? Oh, that was Eli Manning who stunk out the joint this time in a playoff game. Eli is following right along in the footsteps of his older brother. He had everything working from the ill advised throws, to the confused look on his face, to the disastrous results. It just shows that while Archie Manning may have passed on his athletic ability to his sons he also passed along his knack for losing.

22. I owe Patriots fans everywhere an apology. I’m ashamed to say that I doubted the World Champs this week and paid the price in spades. Yup, El Presidente, the torch bearer for Patriot Nation and the voice of reality, took my first misstep regarding the home town team and I’m sick to my stomach about it. This Friday Night at our Ms. Barstool Sports party I encountered a couple of Patriots fans who seemed to think the Pats would struggle with the Jags. Obviously I knew that this was a ridiculous statement to make. How anybody could think the Pats wouldn’t win by double digits is beyond me. It’s almost like they had been in hibernation for the past four years. Anyway, I calmly tried to explain that the Jags had ZERO chance because they weren’t going to score one TD all game and you can’t win if you don’t score; it’s impossible. When these “Pats fans” asked me to put my money where my mouth was about the Jags not scoring any TD’s I gladly accepted the bet. But then I made a huge mistake that will haunt me for years to come. I added a clause that stated garbage time TD’s in the 4th quarter don’t count as real Touchdowns. I hate myself for adding this stupid clause. How could I ever think the Jags would score vs. the Pats even in garbage time? How stupid can I be? I should have stuck to my guns. I knew the Jags couldn’t score vs. us.

23. I’ve got to admit that I’m disappointed that we don’t get to play the Colts this week. I want to beat them so bad I can taste it. But what are you going to do? Carson Palmer screwed it all up by getting his leg snapped in half on the 2nd play of the game. My guess is that lots of people are going to pick Pittsburgh to beat the Colts this week, but I don’t see that happening. I think Pitt was lucky Palmer got injured because they wouldn’t have beaten the Bengals if he played in that game. At least that’s my hunch. Still, as long as we take care of business vs. the Broncos the AFC championship will be fun regardless of who we play. We’ll either finally get our shot to humiliate Indy on their home field or we’ll get to host the Steelers and beat them for like the 90th time in the AFC championship game and get to watch Hines Ward cry like a baby. They both sound like a lot of fun.

24. As far as the Broncos go, I think the Pats win by 10. Nobody can run on the Patriots defense and that includes the Broncos. This spells doom for Jake Plummer because he may be the worst QB on the planet when the game is all on his shoulders and the pressure is on. I’d be shocked if he didn’t make a few huge mistakes that cost the Broncos the game. And hide the women and children for this one because the Mike Shanahan face is enough to bring on the squeamish nightmares.

Reader Email

Email #1

1. Kelly Malone of Mix 98.5 is an imposter. Her real name is Frances Gagnon. A good friend of mine from law school went to school with her and the station made her change her name. Weird, going by a completely different name. Do you introduce yourself as your fake name when you're not working? 2. Got some good info as to why Orlando Cabrera was not re-signed and why no attempt was made to do so. Stiles bumped into Bill Burt's (of WEEI Big Show fame) brother, and according to him, the OC was banging underage Latino girls all over Boston. The Latino community caught wind of this, went to the Sox, and threatened to expose it unless they either traded him immediately or promised not to re- sign him. they held them off till the end of the season and then gave in to their wishes so as to avoid bad PR. God only knows what he's doing out in LA with the huge Latino community out there. 3. Also, the same source from No. 2 above (Burt's brother) said Steve Buckley is gay, as is Sean McDonough (shocker), and that Gerry Callahan is a much better guy in real life than how he comes off on the radio. Take those for what they're worth.

Park

Didn’t Kelly Malone go to UNH? I’m pretty sure she did. I thought that was her real name. As far as the Orlando Cabrera story I totally believe that. It’s pretty well known that the reason the Sox didn’t resign Cabrera was because of off-field reasons. Therefore this story makes perfect sense. As far as Buckley being gay I have no idea, but I’d like to believe that one too because of what he did to Nomar.