Random Thoughts
1. ANNAPOLIS, Md. -- Commentator John Feinstein was back on the air for Saturday's Navy- Air Force game despite uttering an obscenity during the radio broadcast of last week's Navy game. During the broadcast Saturday, Feinstein directed a profanity at the referees after a Duke receiver appeared to push a Navy defender so he could catch a 2-point conversion pass and tie the score 21-21 with 3 minutes, 20 seconds remaining. Navy came back to win 28-21. Feinstein pulled himself from the rest of the broadcast and offered an on-air apology at the end of the game. He also immediately offered his resignation, but it was rejected.
First of all I respect anybody who can get riled up enough to swear during a Duke vs. Navy game. Second of all, I’m a firm believer that announcers should be able to curse whenever they want, but especially in the 4th quarter of games. As a side note, I’ve always thought somebody should invent the gambling channel. Basically announce the game with the spread being the primary concern. I know I’d listen to it. And obviously the announcers need to have a bet on the game and are allowed to use foul language. It’s a million dollar idea.
2. In case you haven’t noticed, Super Dave Osborne is dominating television. Not only does he play Marty Funkhouser on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but he also is “The Surrogate” on Arrested Development. Has any actor ever had as brilliant a one-two combo as Super Dave has going right now? Apparently Super Dave is the key to brilliant television in the 21st century. As a side note is their a funnier business card than Tobias’s Analrapist card (the first ever analyst/therapist)
3. Nicholas Cage named his newborn son Kal El. This of course is Superman's Krypton name. This also wins the award for the dumbest thing I’ve heard all week. I hope this kid gets beaten up every single day of his adolescent life for being named Kal El. And you know it’s not going to be hard because Kal El Cage is going to be a gigantic actor wussy. Having said all this I still like Nic Cage the actor.
4. Police sprayed Mace on Kansas City Chiefs tight ends coach Jason Verduzco before their loss to the Eagles after he became combative when he wasn't allowed to turn into the stadium entrance he said he normally uses. According to a police report, the altercation started when police tried to stop Verduzco from turning into one of the gates because of heavy traffic from arriving fans. But Verduzco turned anyway, and police said he got so close to an officer that the bumper of his sports utility vehicle was touching the officer's leg. Eventually, police said two officers tried to remove him from his vehicle while he slapped at them and pulled away. That's when another officer sprayed mace at the still cursing coach, police said. After an ambulance crew washed out his eyes, Verduzco was released on a signature bond.
I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for this guy’s pregame speech. Football coaches are notorious for being out of their minds to begin with and there is nothing like getting maced to add a little fuel to the fire. In fact it wouldn’t shock me if Dick Vermeil ordered the cops to mace Verduzco so he’d have watery eyes in the locker room. We all know that Dick Vermeil believes in crying as a key motivational force.
5. El Presidente received maybe the biggest compliment I’ve ever received yesterday from a former sales chick at the Improper Bostonian. I randomly bumped into her during my paper route while I was wearing an Ugly Shirt. As is the custom for when I meet chicks from the Improper they immediately confront me about things I said about the Improper in the past. Apparently I called them gold diggers and a bunch of other things. I have no idea the context of why I said these things but I’m sure I said them and I stand by them. Anyway, this Improper girl said that somebody at the Improper told her the only reason that the Stool existed is because my family is ultra rich and gave me a ton of money to start the thing. HA! HA! HA! Yeah that’s why I was standing there with ink all over my body doing a 48 hour straight paper route. More importantly if I were rich I wouldn’t be working, I’d be golfing. Anyway, the moral of the story is that Barstool Sports is the only paper that has the guts to rip people in print. We say the same thing about people in public as we do behind closed doors. I know for a fact that the BSR and Improper make up lies about the Stool to potential advertisers. Heck the BSR’s whole existence is made on a house of lies.
6. Katie Holmes is pregnant. Ordinarily I would discuss this development if it weren’t for the fact that Katie Holmes is on the dead to the Stool list. Instead I’d rather focus on the fact that Michelle Wie should never wear her hair down. She fell about 100 points on my hot female adolescent list.
7. I’ve had a nagging question regarding Survivor ever since season 1. I know that the contestants always love when they win food challenges, but I’m thinking that you’re better off not winning these awards. If I went an entire week with only eating berries and ants and then had a four course meal featuring fried chicken, cookies and a fruit plate I’d be forced to vote myself off the island. I mean how do these people not sh-t themselves for the next month straight? I know it’s gross but it’s a legitimate concern. As a side note, Gary Hogeboom has got to know when the gig is up. If somebody calls you out for being a football player and pegs you all the way down to the fact you were the QB at Eastern Michigan it’s time to move to Plan B. Also it’s time for Hogeboom to step up in the challenges. I don’t care how old he is the bottom line is that ex-NFL QB’s should dominate Survivor.
8. Things continue to go from bad to worse for Rafael Palmeiro. Apparently Juan Gonzalez has come forward and told congressional investigators that he thinks Rafael Palmeiro “has always been clean.” This is a death sentence. Never mind the fact that Gonzalez is a clear steroid user himself, there is nobody on planet Earth who is less believable than Juan Gonzalez. I don’t care whether you’re trying to prove that there are 24 hours in a day, you never want Juan Gonzalez coming to your defense under any circumstances.
9. Did everybody hear about the colossal struggle that took place in the Everglades the other day? Apparently an alligator and a 13 foot Burmese python locked horns in a battle for the ages. I‘ve always been a firm believer that you know it’s a big time fight when both the contestants are dead after it’s over and that’s exactly what happened here. The python was seemingly on the verge of victory as it began to swallow the six foot alligator only to burst in half midway through eating it. The snake was found with the gator's hindquarters protruding from its midsection. In all previous documented incidents, the alligator won or the battle was an apparent draw. Therefore the king of everglades is still the alligator because you can’t lose the belt by draw. As far as the king of everywhere my money is still on the Great White Shark. I just wish we could set up a playoff system with a python, alligator, lion and great white shark. And I suppose you can’t have a true champion without including a Killer Whale as well.
10. Jessica Biel was voted by Esquire Magazine as the “Sexiest Woman Alive” and I couldn’t be happier for her. I’ve been singing the praises of Jessica Biel ever since our magical encounter at the Joshua Tree in Davis Square. Our eyes locked for at least two seconds and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that she is the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen in my life (First Lady not withstanding). I’m talking stop traffic gorgeous. I’ve seen Jessica Simpson up close and personal and Biel pisses on Simpson. As a side note there are more “I f-cked Jessica Biel” stories floating around the Tufts/Davis Square area than any other celebrity in Boston. It almost seems like she’s had sex with more people than Lonnie Paxton. I’m not buying the hype though. She’s an angel in my eyes.
11. Sticking with the NFL, I’m sick of hearing about the Colts and their vaunted defense. Am I supposed to be impressed that they've stopped the Ravens, Jags, Browns, Titans and 49ers? Those offenses are ranked 15th, 22nd, 23rd, 25th and 29th in the league. The Ravens and 49ers don’t even count as NFL teams. Instead of focusing on how great the defense is the media should be discussing why Peyton Manning has been borderline horrible this year. God forbid anybody ever says anything bad about Peyton Manning.
12. I don’t want to make light of the Mike Martz situation because it sounds like he is very sick and I don’t like making fun of people who could potentially die. I feel like that is bad karma. However, if the NFL Power Rankings were a Beckett’s book the Rams would have a huge up arrow next to them simply because of addition by subtraction.
13. For those of you who have always wondered whether Lou Pinella would be a good color man, Fox has thankfully answered that question and the answer is no.
14. It looks like El Presidente was right all along. Nomar Garciaparra is a flat out hero and a great man. Yup, according to the Inside Track Nomar and his uncle Victor saved two thirty-something gals from drowning the other night after the ladies fell into the chilly waters off Flagship Wharf. Nomar and Victor were inside Nomar's old Charlestown digs when they heard a scream and a splash. “One of the girls had fallen into the water off Pier 6,'' said Victor, “and Nomar took off to try to help her.'' As soon as No. 5 ran out the door, the other gal, who was trying to save her friend, also fell in, hitting her head on the pier with a loud, sickening smack. “Nomar had taken off and all I could think was that the girl was knocked out and would be unconscious under the water,'' Victor said. By the time Victor reached them Nomar was already there holding the girls up, but he couldn't get them out without help. So Nomar and Victor wrested the two soaking ladies out of the water and onto the dock. “The girl who hit her head had a baseball-sized lump on it and she was out of it,'' Victor said. “It was pretty scary.'' Fortunately, the damsel in distress came to a few seconds later. She looked up, saw her rescuers, and the first words out of her mouth were: “Are you Nomar?''
Honestly thank God for Nomar. Where would this world be without him? He has always been a man that lets his actions do the talking and it’s too bad this city doesn’t appreciate that. We tried to get rid of this guy for A-Rod, who pushes little kids in front of cars so he can look good saving them. As a side note, this story reminds me of a dream that I have at least once a month of being rescued by good old #5. “Is that you Nomar?”
15. In a interview with Maxim Magazine Brian Urlacher was asked about an article in The Sporting News where the writer dubbed him “The most overrated player in the game.” Urlacher’s response was that “ the guy who wrote that is the biggest pussy. I don’t even know his name.” That’s exactly what I say to potential advertisers when they bring up bad things other people have said about the Stool. “Whoever said we don’t pay our writers is a pussy. I don’t even know his name.”
16. Sticking with the Black and Blue division, Minnesota Vikings players are being investigated in connection with a lake cruise that turned into a wild sex party last week on Lake Minnetonka. The party became so out of control that crew members on the two yachts were offered money for sex and feared for their safety. The boats were ordered to return to shore just 40 minutes into what had been planned as a 3½-hour cruise after supervisors learned of the alleged behavior. Vikings head coach Mike Tice fully equipped with pencil in ear told reporters today that he's not happy about the allegations.
Mike Tice is really grabbing the bull by the horns on this one. He’s not happy with these allegations! These pretzels are making me thirsty! I wonder if he was scalping tickets to this orgy on the side? By the way how is it possible that Tice is still dancing through the rain drops in Minnesota? I thought Jerry Burns was the worst coach in Viking history, but Tice may have him beat. As a side note, the Vikings must have beaten the Over/Under in how long it took for the cruise ship to get turned around by at least an hour. I’d think that it would take more than 40 minutes for a full fledged orgy to break out, but I guess I am wrong.
17. FELDKIRCH, Austria --A jealous husband who spiked his wife's food and drinks with sedatives to keep her away from her lover received his comeuppance from an Austrian court Wednesday. A court in the western province of Vorarlberg found the 47-year old man guilty of "coercion" and sentenced him to a $540 fine should he repeat the offense. The trick worked twice, said the Austria Press Agency, with the woman sleeping through the evening instead of meeting her lover after her husband dissolved sleeping pills in her wine. But she pressed charges after finding a tablet concealed in bread. Neither the news agency nor the court identified the couple, in keeping with Austrian practice. APA said divorce proceedings were under way.
This article just illustrates how screwed up the world is today. First of all, how is the guy the one getting punished here? If you know your wife is cheating on you then you are completely within your rights to slip her a roofie to prevent her from f-cking her lover right in your eye. More importantly why are these people still together? Either the husband has to murder the wife or they need to get divorced. This little sleeping pill saga isn’t going to solve anything. It just delays the inevitable.
18. I don’t know enough about Jerry Reinsdorf to really have an opinion about him but I must admit that I love the fact he denied John Cusack’s request for Chicago White Sox playoff tickets. Apparently Cusack switched from being a White Sox fan to a Cubs fan a few years ago and never goes to White Sox games anymore. Screw him then. If he wants tickets he can buy them like everybody else. I feel like if this happened in Boston Lucky Larry Lucchino would not only give tickets to any celebrity that asked him but he’d throw in a free blow job. A huge pet peeve of mine is when celebrities come out of the woodwork during playoff time. Stephen King is good enough for me.
19. I’ve always hated ND, but that may be starting to change because I love Charlie Weiss. I love the way he handled the post game press conference. “Losing is Losing” I love it. You know that if the situation was reversed and it was Pistol Pete Carroll who lost that game as the heavy underdog he would have been jacked and pumped about it. There is no doubt that Notre Dame is back. And even though I’m a University of Michigan Alumni, there is nothing that can compare to watching a big college football game that involves the Irish. There is Notre Dame and everybody else when it comes to college football. It doesn’t matter whether you love or hate the Irish; everything is more interesting when they’re involved.
20. Tedy Bruschi is coming back and I couldn’t be happier. To be honest, I’m not even sure why this is a source of debate. If I understand the situation correctly, and I think I do, Tedy Bruschi is at no greater risk to suffer another stroke by playing football than he is walking down the street. Listen, if there were any additional risk for him by playing I’d tell him to walk away. But that’s not the case despite the fact that every single caller on WEEI refuses to believe this. I think WEEI set a record of 39 straight callers who all called and said the same exact thing that it’s not worth the risk for him to come back only to be told the risk is no greater. Let Tedy Play. Let Tedy Play. 3 superbowl rings are nice but I want 9 and Tedy can make it happen.
21. Last weeks Pat’s loss was bittersweet for me. For the first time in three years I felt like I had my lungs ripped out and my heart stomped on after a Patriots game. No loss has really left me upset until Sunday. I think it’s because of the fact I knew that we were on the verge of putting another vintage Tom Brady performance on his Canton resume. It would be the game that people would talk about up 20 years down the road. The day that Tom Brady led the Pats back from 28-3 in the 4th quarter at Mile High while missing 94% of the starting lineup. And the thing about yesterday is that we had no right to believe the Pats would ever make the game close. They weren’t just losing, they were getting dominated. But despite how bad the first 3 quarters went, I never counted them out. I kept thinking if they could just get a score and a stop and a score well you never know. But in reality I had no right to think this way. The situation just looked too bleak. But then Brady started rolling. And slowly but surely the impossible started to look not only possible, but probable. In fact, by the time we got the ball back with 5 minutes left there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that we were going to win the game. Therefore it was like a punch in the gut when the Patriots failed to score on their final drive. It’s the first time in 4 years that this team didn’t win a close game like this. And as a result I was stunned and sick to my stomach. Rarely has the Pat’s receivers ever let down Brady in the clutch but they did yesterday. The David Givens drop was the biggest play of the game and if Deion Branch could have held onto the 3rd and 20 pass I can guarantee you that the Pats would have picked up a first down on the next play. Instead a legendary Tom Brady performance went by the boards. But on the bright side I’m more convinced than ever that by the time this season is over and we get a couple guys back the Pats will once again be the best team in the NFL.
22. The Boston Herald reported last week that girl fights in high schools are becoming increasingly frequent. Girls from Madison Park High, Hyde Park High and other schools regularly trade punches with one another in MBTA stations and public buses, spurring transit cops to send intervention teams into schools. Earlier this year a 13-year-old Martin Luther King Jr. Middle School student had to be handcuffed by police after she allegedly beat a fellow student in the hallway and bit a teacher's finger - all because she thought the other girl's skirt was too short.
Damn. I mean I guess sometimes you’ve got to take the law into your own hands. I mean if a bitch is going to wear a short skirt and shake her ass then sometimes you’ve got to regulate.
23. SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic (AP) - Alex Rodriguez played poorly in the Yankees' American League division series loss in part because he was saddened by the death of the uncle who raised him, the slugger's mother said in an interview published in a local newspaper Sunday. Lourdes Navarro said her son kept the Sept. 30 death of his uncle to himself because he was committed to helping his team win. "I think he should speak with the team and tell them that his uncle, who was like his father because he raised him since he was 8, died in a hospital in Miami," Navarro told Listin daily newspaper.
No word yet on whether A-Rod had a gun to his mothers head during this interview.
Reader Email
Email #1
You guys are ridiculous. I've stopped picking up your otherwise-solid paper because every time I do, I read someone ripping on BC's teams and fans. In just your last issue you have a section with college football picks for the upcoming weekend. You had all the big games, sure - but what about the BC-UVA game? BC Football is in the top 20 and UVA was ranked in the previous week's poll - which itself merits the game some basic ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. Oh, and maybe that the game is going on WITHIN THE CITY LIMITS OF BOSTON might make it somewhat more relevant than any of the other games that week as well? And even last season, when BC basketball went 20-0 to start the season on the way to a #3 AP ranking after beating Syracuse, I read an article that reluctantly admits that BC had a solid team. The writer had predicted, although with exaggeration, that 'BC probably wouldn't win a game all year'. That writer isn't an asset to ANY publication's sports staff. Anyway, BC football usually draws about 40 to 45 thousand people to its football games. Beyond that, there are many thousands more in the Boston area that follow the team. There's a market for BC coverage so step it up.
Jeff
his guy set back the “Free the Superfan” movement by at least a decade. Listen, we only discuss the college games where we have strong opinions from a gambling perspective. We’ll break down North Texas vs. Hawaii if we think we can pick a winner. It has nothing to do with how big a game is or isn’t. Stop being so arrogant and wake up. Second, BC hoops failed miserably down the stretch last year so I wouldn’t be bringing them up in public discussion about anything. Finally and maybe most importantly the BC crowd vs. Virginia last week was a disgrace. The place was half empty and half the fans were from Virginia to begin with.
Email #2
I don’t know about you, but it drives me insane when head football coaches don’t wear headphones. How can you have any faith in one of these guys? Why are they even there? Why not just sit in the owners box and drink beer and eat off the buffet all game? I especially hate when they flash to one of these coaches at a critical situation like a fourth and goal or something---as if they even know what the f- ing play is going to be. I hate that.
I agree. I like my coaches to look, talk and act like Belichick. I want them to look like they didn’t have time to get dressed because they were too busy studying film and like sunlight may burn a hole in their skin.