from the July 9, 2008 issue

Random Thoughts

1. Bostonherald.com - A 20-year-old man was arrested Friday night for allegedly attacking a New York Yankees fan with a baseball bat after a Fourth of July fireworks display in Falmouth. According to police, officers responded to 153 Worcester Court after receiving a report about a fight in progress. On arrival, officers noticed several youths, including Robert Donald Correia of Falmouth, bothering a family in its car because the vehicle had New York license plates. Police said Correia and others accused the family of being Yankees fans. The family was unable to move the vehicle because of heavy traffic while leaving the event. The unidentified father in the car asked the youths to stop because children were present. Police said that was when Correia and others allegedly attacked him with a baseball bat, resulting in a head injury. The victim’s car was also vandalized, according to police. Correia was charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and malicious destruction to a motor vehicle. He will be arraigned Monday in Falmouth District Court.

Wtf? There has to be more to this story right? I mean what type of scumbag attacks a family stuck in traffic with a baseball bat because they have NY plates? See this is where the Red Sox vs. Yankees rivalry gets a bad wrap in my opinion. Because I refuse to believe that anybody would do something like this just because they hate the Yankees or vice versa. Listen, you need to be totally fucked in the heat to attack a car with a baseball bat under any circumstances. So yeah the NY thing may have set this kid off, but if it wasn’t this, it would have been something else later in the night like somebody blinked at him the wrong way. Bottom-line is that assholes are assholes and they’ll act like it regardless of whether they are Red Sox or Yankees fans. It has nothing to do with being from Boston or a reflection on Red Sox fans. Kid is just a scumbag. End of story.

2. BUCHAREST, Romania - A court has ordered a Romanian surgeon to pay $795,000 in compensation to a patient whose penis he accidentally severed during an operation. In July 2004, Dr. Naum Ciomu made a surgical error while operating on the man's testicles, severing the penis instead of making an incision to the testicle. The Bucharest Magistrates Court ruled Friday that Ciomu had been "superficial" in his approach to the operation, ordered the fine and handed Ciomu a one-year suspended prison sentence.

A piece of muscle from the man's arm has now been attached to where his penis was, but its function is aesthetic. "You don't have to be an expert to realize that the 33-year-old victim does not have a good state of mind," said Mihai Olariu, the victim's lawyer.

For starters, let's retire the Understatement of the Year award and hand the trophy to Attorney Olariu right now. On the subject of the importance of the penis, I (along with every other man on Earth) do think of myself as an expert, and yeah I wouldn't describe his clients state of mind with the word "good" either. Especially after the BMC used the word "superficial" in connection to my John Thomas being lopped off. Talk about adding insult to injury. But how could the court possible attach a sum like $795,000 to the loss of a guy's schlong? The only way I'd understand it is if judges are all card-carrying members of the Bucharest chapter of NOW, because even a penis loving woman would consider this a paltry amount. I mean, how's a guy supposed to replace his Wife's Best Friend with chump change like this?

Here's what you can get for $795,000:

A two-bedroom condo in the South End.
A 52-foot yacht
Four front row season tickets to the new Yankee Stadium (actually you'd still be 13 grand shy)
A starter home in Hingham
Sean Casey.

Nothing against Sean Casey, who's having a good season. But I wouldn't trade my dick for him. Or anything else $795K could buy me. So maybe it's just the principle of the thing. Because the court could award you a billion dollars, but what's the point of being a billionaire if your penis is made up of "aesthetic" arm muscles?

3. The following story is 100% true. My buddy and I were talking to arguably the hottest chick at our Beach Bowl party on Tuesday Night. (pictures of Beach Bowl coming soon hopefully) Trust me when I say she is a fucking knockout. I would say her name, but I promised I wouldn’t. Anyway this girl is having an affair with a married man. I almost had an accident when she told me this because she’s so hot. Anyway she was telling us how the sex is awesome because it’s so wrong and how the reason she thinks she likes him is because he’s a bigwig at her company and lavishes her with presents and shit like that, blah, blah, blah Anyway after hearing her go on and on I started busting her balls saying that she is too easily impressed and that if she really wanted to sleep with somebody important I know a certain CEO of a major metropolitan smut magazine who may be interested in a secret rendezvous. But she wasn’t having any of it. Then to prove how awesome he treats her she tells us a story about how just last week he sent her a text on Friday morning that said “pack a bikini, pretty dress, sexy lingerie and don’t ask any questions” At this point I was kind of thinking damn this guy is smooth. Is he going to fly her to St. Martin for a weekend getaway or something? So she continues the story and says that they get in the car and he won’t tell her where they are going. But she looks at his GPS and it says they have 180 miles to go or something like that. So they’re driving and driving and where does this guy take her? The Vineyard? Newport? NYC? Nope. Hartford Ct! HARTFORD FUCKING CONNECTICUT! My buddy and I just looked at each other and started dying laughing. Is this not the worst adulterer in the world? Who the fuck tells their mistress to pack a bikini, a pretty dress and lingerie to go to Hartford Connecticut? I’ve honestly never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life. Pack a pretty dress baby, we’re going to Hartford!

4. Bostonherald.com - When Jonathan Morris’ daughter was planning her wedding, he thought the groom was getting overlooked. So he planned a guys-only "man shower" to welcome Brian Wigand into the family. The party included manly snacks, games and gifts. Showers geared to grooms are a growing trend in the wedding industry, said Allana Baroni, the entertainment expert for the web site ehow.com. Men who have grown accustomed to attending coed showers with their wives and girlfriends in recent years now find guys-only parties an acceptable rite of passage, she added. It’s another example of grooms leaving their stereotypical roles behind, she said, noting that male bridesmaids and female groomsmen are becoming more common. Men also are recognizing that showers are a great way to acquire tools and other necessities needed to maintain a home, said Abby Buford, spokeswoman for Lowe’s Home Improvement stores, which launched an online wedding registry in 2006. The "man gatherings," usually held to coincide with the bridal shower, give the husbands, brothers and uncles an opportunity to hang out, the 29-year-old said."There was no teasing or anything," the 26-year-old said. At his shower, guests ate from old license plates, participated in a nail pounding contest and were judged on how manly they wrapped their gifts, most of which were tools.

Man shower huh? No thanks. Because I’m pretty sure what they don’t tell you in the brochure is that your dick shrivels up and falls off as part of this deal. Listen if I want to drink with my buddies I’ll fucking call them up and meet them at a bar. I don’t need to pretend I’m a chick and have a foofy shower so I can get a new set of tools. Plus what dude who actually uses tools would want a man shower to get them? I mean how could you ever look at your hammer or drill the same way? Regardless, I’m sure Canada is loving this. The pussification of America continues….

5. JULY 2--A Kentucky woman is facing prostitution charges for allegedly trading sex for gasoline. Angela Eversole, 34, was nabbed last weekend during a police stakeout at a Days Inn, where she allegedly trysted with customer Kenneth Nowak. According to court records, Nowak admitted paying for Eversole's services, in part, with a $100 Speedway gas card. Eversole was hit with a prostitution rap and also charged with doing business without an occupational license. Nowak was charged with promoting prostitution. Eversole and Nowak are pictured below in mug shots snapped following their June 27 arrests. A local prosecutor noted that it was sad to see someone selling their body for gas, in this case about 25 gallons worth.

It's official! Gas prices are out of control. I've said from Day 1 that the true measure of when the economy has hit rock bottom is when the hookers start trading gas cards for sex. They don't even do this in Canada. And is it any surprise that Angela was doing business without an occupational license? She probably needed the gas card so that she could drive herself to the Hooker DMV and renew her prostitution license. See this is what people don’t get about high gas prices. It affects everybody from every walk of life. So yeah it is sad to see somebody selling their body for gas but a girl has to do what a girl has to do.

6. CENTRAL ISLIP, N.Y. - Christie Brinkley's estranged husband spent about $3,000 a month on pornographic Web sites, the model's lawyer said at the start of the couple's nasty divorce trial.“That is the man who's come before this court and asked for custody of his 13-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter," attorney Robert Stephan Cohen said of Peter Cook. The couple's daughter, Sailor, had her birthday on Wednesday. "It was wrong and he said it was wrong," Cook's lawyer, Norman Sheresky, said of the porn.

You’re God damn right it’s wrong! What is this clown doing for paying for internet porn these days? What is it, 2003? Jesus Christ we’ve got youporn.com, pornhub.com (Barstool recommends), redtube.com. There’s more free porn out there than non-free porn. I mean it’s not exactly breaking news that married dudes watch internet porn in the first place, even the ones married to former supermodels, the real crime here is that the guy actually paid for it. What an idiot. Forget custody, the guy should be imprisoned just for that.

7. Well today’s Question of the Day comes with a stipulation of protecting the innocent. Let’s just call them Buddy A and Buddy B. Okay, first of all what happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas. It gets written about in Barstool Sports. Last week Buddy A is in Vegas for a bachelor party, they go to a strip club, blah blah and he ends up in the back room for 2 hours. Anyway all his buddies leave without him so as he’s walking home to the hotel by himself – what do you know, he spots 2 hookers on the street. “$600 for both of us” they propose. “Nope, I’ll just take you” as he points to clearly the more attractive of the two. Buddy A then takes her back to the hotel and into the bathroom.. they negotiate a $300 hummer, which sounds like Eliot Spitzer type money, however half-way through the experience he decides to upgrade to the full-service package for an extra $100. She agrees. Then about 10 minutes later Buddy B enters the picture and starts pounding on the bathroom door because he has to take a shit. Buddy A then yells “No, no!” Buddy B, not realizing the situation refuses to leave the scene and continues to demand entrance to the bathroom. "Dude, I gotta get in there." Buddy A then unfortunately “loses focus” and ends up not getting the full-service package but of course, still has to pay the extra $100. Now, the question of the day is – does Buddy B owe Buddy A the extra $100? Buddy A obviously thinks so, and is still fired up about it today. He agrees the first $300 is on him but the extra $100 should come from Buddy B's wallet. Buddy B says “No way. I’m not paying you $100 because I had to take a shit.” Frankly I’m on Buddy A's side here. Buddy B has to know better in that situation. Hookers in the bathroom should supersede anything else.

8. LOS ANGELES - A 42-year-old chimpanzee who is toilet-trained and can eat with a knife and fork is believed to be at large in a Southern California forest after escaping his cage. The chimp called Moe disappeared Friday from Jungle Exotics, which trains animals for the entertainment industry. The chimp wandered into a house next door, surprising construction workers who saw him head for a nearby mountain. A weekend search in the San Bernardino National Forest 50 miles east of Los Angeles came up empty. St. James Davis brought Moe home from Tanzania in 1967 after the baby primate lost his mother to poachers. He and his wife treated Moe as their surrogate son, toilet-training him, teaching him to eat with a knife and fork and letting him sleep in their bed and watch TV... The chimps nearly killed St. James Davis, chewing off his nose, testicles and foot and biting off chunks of his buttocks and legs.

I'd love to say something like "This is no time to panic" but in reality, this is the perfect time to panic. I've been anticipating this day. When a smart ape would escape into the wild and lead the revolution against the humans. Chimps and homo sapiens share 99% of our DNA. Until now, the only thing that separated us was our ability to eat with a knife and fork, use a toilet and watch TV. It's only a matter of time before Moe passes that knowledge along to other chimps. Then people like me, who's only abilties are eating, taking dumps and watching TV will become expendable. And before you know it no worthless incompetent human will be safe and we'll have cheap monkey labor running the Globe sports page, the Bruins front office and Barstool Sports. Thanks for destroying the world, Jungle Exotics. I hope Moe comes back and bites off the rest of your testicles.

9. Bostonherald.com - TheNBA-champion Celtics[ team stats] spread their winning karma all over a pseudo stripper in Vegas, helping the Somerville homegal win a pole-dancing competition at the Strip hotspotBank! MVP Paul Pierce [ stats], along with Ray Allen, Sam Cassell, James Posey, Rajon Rondo [ stats] and Kendrick Perkins [ stats], cheered Danielle Rueda-Wattson to the $10,000 grand prize over the weekend by whooping and hollering for the pole princess from their perch in the Bellagioclub’s VIP booth. Danielle, 26, reports she’s not a professional exotic dancer, although she does have a pole in her house. She studied aerial acrobatics in Canada and moved to Vegas for a role inCirque de Soleil’s “Zumanity.” “I’m not really a pole dancer, just an acrobat who’s sexy,” she told our spywitness.The Mass. College of Artgrad said she’s also not a big sports fan, but thought it was “pretty cool” that the Celts were in da house rooting her on to her “Pole-a-palooza” victory.

I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record with all these Boston dominates the world blogs, but I don’t care. It never gets old. Every fucking day we win a new world championship. No wonder the rest of the world hates us. Baseball, football, basketball, paper rock scissors, cup stacking and now Pole a Palooza. The list goes on and on and on. When you look up momentum in the dictionary there must be a picture of Boston right? I mean the world has just been crushed in an avalanche of Masshole Domination. We’ll beat you on the field. We’ll beat you on the courts, we’ll beat you in the strip clubs. That’s just how we roll.

PS – I got a feeling the old “I have a pole in my bedroom because I’m practicing for Cirque de Soleil" is going to be the new excuse de jour for strippers. Forget the I’m grinding my ass into your cock so I can put myself through college bullshit. This is much better.

10. Cincinnati.com - When inmate Caressa Brunelle came before a judge Wednesday to be released, Brunelle reminded the judge she was owed a pizza. So, Hamilton County Municipal Court Judge Nadine Allen sent someone to pick up a $5 personal pizza at the Downtown Donato's and let Brunelle eat it in court. The pizza was Brunelle's reward for telling Allen who her pimp was, information Allen used to have the alleged pimp - Jason Lee - arrested. "I felt that a pizza for a pimp was a good (trade)," the judge said Thursday. The pizza saga began Feb. 12, when Brunelle, 20, was before the judge charged with domestic violence. Brunelle was accused of threatening her mother by telling her she'd "carve her up like a turkey." After Allen convicted her in the Feb. 12 hearing, she sentenced Brunelle to 180 days in the Justice Center. The judge also asked her who her pimp was - and dangled the promise of a pizza as bait. Brunelle bit. Brunelle noted that Lee, sitting in the courtroom, was the one who bailed her out and then, to recoup his money, forced Brunelle to have sex with men who then paid Lee. "I wish other prostitutes would come forward and reveal their pimps. Pizza is cheaper than what we pay for undercover (investigations). the judge said.

Clearly this bitch never watched Clear and Present Danger. Because everybody knows that when you get a chip in the big game you hold onto it until you need a huge favor. You don't wait until your sentence is over and then trade your chip/pimp's name for a 5 dollar personal pizza. Honestly how fucking stupid can this prostitute be? No wonder she fell for the old “I bailed you out of jail so now you’re my sex slave trick”.

PS – Regardless of how dumb this girl is that doesn’t change the fact that telling somebody you’ll carve them up like a turkey is still an all time top 5 threat in my book.

11. JUNE 23--Meet Jeffrey Barrier. The Ohio man allegedly used a cell phone camera to snap photos of a naked woman at a tanning salon Saturday and then hid the phone in his anus in a bid to thwart police. When cops later confronted Barrier, "he kept denying any involvement of the incident" and claimed to not have a camera. However, a second search of the suspect turned up the camera. As noted in a Hamilton County Sheriff's Office report, Barrier "did hide evidence in his anus." Barrier, pictured in the below mug shot, was charged with disorderly conduct for taking the photos and obstructing official business for hampering a police investigation. Barrier, due in court today, is free on $1500 bond.

How the fuck do you fit a cell phone in your ass? This was obviously not this guy’s first rodeo. I mean you need to have years of practice to even attempt a stunt like this. Regardless now every time I look at my blackberry I can’t help but involuntarily jam my ass cheeks shut. Listen, there are lots of things that I can live with in life. But somebody jamming a cell phone up my ass is not one of them.

12. Bostonherald.com - Authorities say a 20-year-old heiress allegedly left the South Street Diner without paying before drunkenly getting behind the wheel of her new silver BMW and then playing the “Do you know who I am?” card on cops. Jacqueline Kent Cooke, daughter of late Washington Redskins owner and billionaire Jack Kent Cooke, pleaded not guilty yesterday to charges of operating under the influence. She was released on personal recognizance. According to a police report, Boston Police Sgt. John P. Doris saw a pair of keys fall from Cooke’s purse. But Cooke denied she was driving and denied owning the BMW 325i parked outside, according to the report. The girls walked down the street, but Doris saw them peering around the corner at the car. After about 10 minutes, Cooke returned and said “it was useless for him to keep watching her because she was going to drive the car home and there was nothing he could do about it,” according to the report. Doris suggested she take a cab. Doris said Cooke refused and walked down Kneeland Street, attempting to flag down cars before pulling up her skirt to moon Doris, he said. She also flipped him the middle finger, according to the report. The allegedly bratty blonde is accused of then getting into her car and turning on the engine. Doris blocked her from leaving and radioed for backup. The train wreck did not end there. Cooke allegedly asked cops if they knew who her father was and proclaimed that Doris would lose his badge because “one billion dollars goes a long way,” the report states. She allegedly called all of the officers “gay” and refused a Breathalyzer. Cooke bequeathed his daughter a $5 million trust, but the $50,000-per-year payout wasn’t enough, and she reportedly sued his estate for $275 million last year.

About three weeks ago my bat/smut peddler phone rang with an anonymous tip informing that Jacqueline Kent Cooke had landed in Boston and I should be ready for the fireworks. So I put out some feelers and managed to “randomly” bump into her at a bar a couple weeks ago And let me just say this. In terms of Dlist celebrities, this chick is the real deal. She totally has the I’m rich, I’m hot and I’m better than you vibe going. It’s awesome. She’s like Paris Hilton on roids. I’m telling you right now I got a feeling about this kid. You think mooning and giving the bird to a police officer is bad? We haven’t seen anything yet. The ladies at the Inside Track are going to have a ball with this girl. And yes I’ve already told the First Lady that I’m going to do everything in my power to impregnate the shit out of her. I just want to get a little smut peddler baby in her womb and I’ll figure out the details later. After all to quote Jacqueline Kent Cooke, "one billion dollars does go a long way".

13. BATON ROUGE -- Characterizing sex offenders as monsters, Gov. Bobby Jindal signed legislation Wednesday that would force convicted rapists and others to undergo chemical castration.“I am glad we have taken such strong measures in Louisianato put a stop to these monsters’ brutal acts,” the governor said in a prepared statement. Jindal signed Senate Bill 144 into law on the day that the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Louisiana cannot execute people who rape children under the age of 12. On a first offense, a judge would have the option of ordering injections of medroxyprogesterone acetate, which suppresses a man’s sex drive by reducing testosterone levels. The injections would be mandatory on a second offense.

Well look at Louisiana getting all “cruel and unusual”. Now sure, you could argue chemical castration isn’t necessarily cruel, but it is definitely unusual. So unusual in fact, it doesn’t even make your balls disappear! Nope, it just reduces the amount of testosterone you carry around in your nutsack. But what kind of punishment is that? Anybody can buy more testosterone, they’re called steroids. You can get them online, Tijuana or at your local gymnasium. Anyway this is all very confusing. Regular castration, chemical castration, all I know is Funny Cide was a gelding and he won the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness and I never heard him complain.

14. So as everybody knows I went down to the Cape for a couple days last week. The First Lady and I got a recommendation to go to this fancy shmancy restaurant for dinner last night. As I’m reading the review of the place it says that the dress code is “smart casual” Now to me “smart casual” in the Cape means as long as my dick isn’t hanging out I’m good to go. But not at this place. Yup apparently I found the only restaurant in Cape Cod where "smart casual" means no jeans or shorts. My question is who the fuck packs dress pants when they're going to the Cape? So I called the place up to find out how strict they were with that policy and the guy on the other end couldn’t have been ruder. He told me that’s why they built 3 restaurants at the resort and hung up on me. Well let me just say this. Nobody is going to intimidate me out of a restaurant. His rudeness only made me want to eat there more. Kind of like how Costanza falls in love with the chick who hates him. “Jerry a woman who hates me this much only comes around once in a lifetime.” Anyway long story short I was on my way to buy some pants when a kid at the hotel told me he knew where he could score me some. Ten minutes later there was a knock on my door and I had a brand fucking new pair of polo pants. Perfect fit too. The guy’s only request was don’t say where I got em from. So here is my question. How much should I have tipped this guy? I gave him 10 bucks, but then afterwords felt like a total cheapskate. But it all happened so fast I didn’t really have time to think about it. And as far as I know there is no protocol on how to tip a guy who just stole you a pair of pants is there? Anyway I’m curious what the Stoolies think the appropriate tip should have been?

15. The images as chilling as they are heartbreaking: An infant with a semiautomatic handgun next to each tiny shoulder. A child no more than a year old decked out in blood-red gang gear. "They call them Blood drops, stains, rims," a former Staten Island Bloods gang member said of the nicknames gang parents give their children. "My first child - he was only 6 months old when he got blessed into it," said King Ironman, a Bronx member of the Almighty Latin King and Queen Nation gang. Then the boy was killed in a drive-by shootout. "The target was me ... he was only 2 years old," Ironman said.... Ironman still "blessed" two more sons into the... gang. "Families have to do that to be part of the nation," he said. "He's a true gangster. The way he acts with people, the way he just wants to beat you up and punch you," Iron said of the 4-year-old "Latin Prince" he hopes will preach peace within the gang.

With all due respect to the Daily News, how does this story justify a spot on the front page? What did they think happened in gangs? A guy like Ironman pays the price, goes through all the gang initiations and takes all the beatdowns to get himself into the Almighty Latin King and Queen Nation, then he works his way up to the rank of King, what's he supposed to do, raise his kids to be Crips? For instance, my parents raised me Catholic, so I'm raising my kids Catholic. Does the News expect me to raise them Amish? It makes no sense. I'm also Knights of Columbus; would anyone expect me to raise my kids to get their cheap beer and second-hand smoke at the Elks? I'm a Red Sox fan, did anyone object when I didn't buy my babies Yankees hats? Of course not. Iron's 4 year old is showing his dad he wants to beat you up and punch you, why would anyone expect he wouldn't raise him to be a true ganster, the way God intended. The Old Media obviously just doesn't get it. So they'll continue to act like this is unheard of and the end of civilization. At least until Babies R Us starts buying ad space selling Latin Kings onesies, Crips bibs, and baby t-shirts that say "Gramma's Li'l Blood Drop" on them.

16. WIMBLEDON, England - Former champion Maria Sharapova, out. Two-time runner-up Andy Roddick, gone. Wimbledonended in stunning second-round upsets Thursday for two of the top title contenders and biggest names in the game.Sharapova was ousted by a 154th-ranked Russian, marking her earliest exit from a Grand Slam tournament since her first full season on tour in 2003. Her game littered by double-faults and unforced errors, the third-seeded Sharapova slumped to a 6-2, 6-4 loss to 20-year-old Alla Kudryavtseva on Court 1. The upstart winner even rubbed it in by trashing the fashion icon's publicized Wimbledon ensemble of tuxedo-style blouse and shorts. "I don't like her outfit," Kudryavtseva said. "It was one of the motivations to beat her."

First of all do I smell a cat fight on the grass of the All-England Lawn Darts and Tennis Club? I think soooo! But before we get to that, I’m not buying the ugly girl’s motivation was Sharapova’s shirt. That’s just bullshit. Everybody knows when you’re an ugly chick playing against a hot chick in tennis, bowling, flip cup, any sport for that matter, that’s the motivation right there. You don’t need anything else. She’s hot, you’re ugly. I mean who is this chick trying to fool? It has nothing to do with the shirt. And how about showing some class for a change? Anyway I’d rather she not hurt Sharapova’s feelings like that after the match, that’s my main concern. After all, it’s Wimbledon.

17. MOSCOW - A monument to the enema, a procedure many people would rather not think about, has been unveiled at a spa in the southern Russian city of Zheleznovodsk. The bronze syringe bulb, which weighs 800 pounds and is held by three angels, was unveiled at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa, the spa's director said Thursday. "There is no kitsch or obscenity, it is a successful work of art," Alexander Kharchenko told The Associated Press. "An enema is almost a symbol of our region." Kharchenko, 50, said the monument cost $42,000 and was installed in a square in front of his spa on Wednesday. A banner declaring: "Let's beat constipation and sloppiness with enemas"... was posted on one of the spa's walls.

Civic pride is an important thing. Psychologists will tell you it's ingrained in human beings to want to feel like part of a collective, of some greater good beyond yourself. So every community should have something they feel proud of. LA has Hollywood. Nashville has country music. New York has Broadway. Zheleznovodsk has enemas. Good for all of them; it's nice to have something to be proud of. And if it just so happens that Boston is the City of Champions... lots and lots of champions... and Zheleznovodsk is the place you go to get your colon cleaned out, who are we to feel superior? In fact, I think it's a great idea. I say as a gesture of goodwill the city of Boston should have an enema statue built and sent to every city we humiliate on the way to all future championships, the way France sent the US the Statue of Liberty. Just as a way to say, "Here ya go, LA. Stick this up your ass."

18. NEW YORK (CBS) ― A dwarf charged with prostituting an underage runaway will appear in Kings County Supreme Court on Monday. Jacqueline Green, a.k.a. 'Shorty,' due to her 3 foot 9 inch height, is charged with promoting prostitution and child endangerment for allegedly pimping a 15-year-old that ran away from a troubled home. According to published reports, Green is accused of using her Bedford-Stuyvesant apartment as a sex pad for clients who paid $250 per half-hour for intercourse, and $100 per half-hour of oral sex. Clients were found using Craigslist. Green, 26, pleaded not guilty to all charges. The teenage girl was returned to her family. It is not clear how the two met. Neighbors at Green's Brooklyn housing project were not surprised by the arrest, where she was described as a "hustler," and a "player."

Wait a minute. Why was the midget called “Shorty” again? Ohhhh, because she’s 3 foot 9. Now I get it. Anyway call me crazy but I think midgets should be allowed to do whatever they want. Listen I’ve watched Little People Big World. You think it's easy to be a hustler and a player when you’re only 3 foot 9. Hell no! So I say if midgets can be successful at pimping or at anything else in life for that matter than God Bless.

19. LILLINGTON — Rebecca Dawson — the woman who is accused of partially castrating a man with her bare hands — has a new court date. Her retrial is scheduled to start Aug. 25... Dawson’s December 2007 trial ended in a deadlock after four women and eight men could not agree on a unanimous decision. Four jurors voted to acquit Dawson...In December 2006, Dawson was charged with felony counts of malicious castration, assault with serious bodily injury, malicious conduct by a prisoner and misdemeanor injury to property after former Special Forces soldier Ken Russ was maimed at a Christmas party. During the last trial, Russ testified that an intoxicated Dawson sank her acrylic nails into his scrotum after he refused to let her drive home.
Dawson testified that she was defending herself from Russ, who had asked her to engage in a sex act with both him and his girlfriend Tanya “Niki” Castello... She said she had a grip on Russ’ scrotum, trying to defend herself, when he fell over a box and tore the skin.

At the risk of being accused of gender profiling, does anyone else care to guess which four jurors voted to acquit Dawson? As a guy who's very attached to his own testicles, I'm all for justice here, but a retrial is a complete waste of taxpayer's dollars. Until they get a jury that's 12 men or 12 women, this thing is a just another deadlock waiting to happen. The only chance the prosecution has would be if, during the empanelment, when they ask questions like "Are you more likely to believe a police officer?" or "Are you less likely to believe a minority defendant?" they added the question "Have you ever considered tearing a guy's ballbag off?" Because if they did, 100% of women would raise their hand. Even the meekest, most timid woman on Earth has either given it serious thought or at the very least given a "You go, Girl" to every story of where a chick has actually gone through with it. They can claim to hate violent movies, violent sports and even the Three Stooges, but for some reason they think separating a guy from his Wife's Best Friend is their goddamned birthright.

20. Masslive - A Chicopee man rocked the competition over the weekend in Las Vegas, beating more than 300 of the nation's finest "Rock Paper Scissors" players to earn a $50,000 first prize. Sean Sears, 23, of Leo Drive threw a winning rock to conquer his opponent's scissors to win the 2008 Bud Light/USA Rock Paper Scissors League Championship. His victory came in the event's third annual tournament, which will be aired Oct. 6 on ESPN. It took place Saturday and Sunday at the Mandalay Bay Hotel & Casino. "Bud Light congratulates Sean," said Rick Leininger, a spokesman for Anheuser-Busch, adding that the championship "is all about competition, camaraderie, and most importantly, fun times."

Cue the Duckboats! Honestly what don’t we dominate at? Baseball, basketball, cup stacking, football and now Rock Paper Scissors. I guess when it’s your decade it’s your fucking decade. Seriously though what was that chick thinking who Sean beat in the finals. I just don’t get how you let rock beat you? That’s like letting Jordan beat you in his prime. Everybody knows that you need to make scissors and paper prove they can make some shots before you play man to man on rock.

21. Boston.com - More than five years have passed since the required time for feeding thousands of parking meters east of Massachusetts Avenue was extended from 6 to 8 p.m., matching the schedule for meters in the Back Bay business district and the downtown financial district. Now, City Councilor Sal LaMattina wants to add another six hours, meaning that meters would have to be fed all the way to 2 a.m., adding about $2 million to the estimated $10 million of revenue generated annually by the city's nearly 6,300 meters.. And though it would be an added burden on customers of late-night eateries and clubs, one local business group thinks it could help customers by freeing up parking spaces at night.

Honestly this is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard in my life. Actually check that. This is the 2^nd dumbest idea. The first one was when the same Sal LaMattina tried to ban ice cream trucks from playing the ice cream truck jingle because it woke him up from a nap one time. But this is a close second. Basically what this guy is saying is that everybody who drives into the city needs to park in a garage now. In other words let’s punish all the people who go out at night and are already spending a shitload of money to support the bars, clubs and restaurants in Boston. Let’s make it so expensive and such a pain in the ass for people to drive into Boston that everybody just stays home and the entire city fucking dies. I mean between the cost of gas and parking, people will have to save up like their going on vacation just to spend one night in the city. Because make no mistake about it. There is no way you can go out and feed a meter until 2am. Sal LaMattina must own a couple garages or valet services in Boston or something. How else could anybody be this stupid? Yeah let’s raise a couple million in parking tickets by costing the service industry quadruple that in lost revenue. Genius. Dude stick with trying to ban ice cream truck music. That's clearly more your speed.

22. JUNE 17--As she was attempting to put on a Victoria's Secret thong, a Los Angeles woman claims that a decorative metallic piece flew off the garment and struck her in the eye, causing injuries and a new product liability lawsuit against the underwear giant. Macrida Patterson, 52, alleges that she was hurt last May by a defective " low-rise v-string" from the Victoria's Secret "Sexy Little Thing" line, according to a lawsuit filed last week in Los Angeles Superior Court.

Well as much as I hate corporate America, this lady has no case. Why? Because Pete Manzo clearly stated back in October of 2005 that 49 years old is the maximum age for a chick to still be wearing a thong. After that it’s granny panties or you’re basically begging for an eye injury. Here is the excerpt from his original How Old is Too Old article in case you forgot:

Wearing a thong - Maximum age: 49. I don’t care who you are or what kind of shape you’re in, once you hit 49, ladies, the party’s over. Cry, cry as you may. I know it’s tough. But I’m pretty sure Sisqo didn’t have his Grandma in mind when he invented the thong back in ’99. The point is not whether you’d physically look good wearing one. That’s irrelevant. There just comes a time psychologically where you have to look in the mirror, saggy breasts and all, and say to yourself, “I can’t wear these anymore.” Then dramatically hang up your thongs….forever.

23. Roger Clemens has to pay those mounting legal bills somehow. The former Yankee ace, now awaiting word from Congress on his steroid scandal, has sold his Bentley to "Rock of Love" star Bret Michaels. "Bret is a big fan of Roger's and the car is fabulous," said an insider. "Clemens is apparently selling his lavish goods to pay his legal fees." Michaels was overheard gushing about his new ride Friday at the House of Blues inAtlantic City. Clemens' agent did not return calls.

Well just when you thought Roger Clemens couldn’t get any shadier and Bret Michaels couldn’t get any stupider, now we have this -- Clemens sells his used car to Bret Michaels. I mean you can’t make this shit up. It’s gotta be 1-9 odds that Clemens’ Bentley has at least 50 things wrong with it: transmission’s shot, horn doesn’t work, no brakes; you know Michaels is going to be cruising down the highway in this lemon with like 10 chicks and all of a sudden in the middle of his 14th “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” a cappella rendition, the thing is gonna crap out like the Lakers. “Freaking Clemens…”

I’d just love to be a fly on the wall when Michaels confronts Clemens about it afterwards and Clemens blames his wife.

24. ROME (Reuters) - An Italian man was arrested on suspicion of kidnapping his ex-girlfriend from a pub, taking her home and forcing her to iron his clothes and wash the dishes, police said Monday. The 43-year-old man dragged the woman out of a pub in the port city of Genoa, shoved her into a car and took her to his home where he made her iron and wash dishes after threatening her, they said. The man, who was apparently furious at his ex-girlfriend for leaving him, was arrested on charges of kidnapping, police said.

Ok here is my first question. Would this be legal if the chick was still this guy’s girlfriend? Yes right? I’m under the impression that if I don’t have clean underwear or if my shirt needs to be ironed or if the dish’s aren’t done I’m allowed to drag the First Lady by the hair from wherever she and force her to do her chores. At least that’s my interpretation of the Man vs. Woman rulebook. But it’s gets a little cloudy when it’s an ex girlfriend. I think in that case you can try to intimate, blackmail or talk your ex into doing it, but I don’t think you can physically force her to do it. But I don’t deny that it’s a grey area in the rulebook and definitely up to interpretation.

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