Random Thoughts

1. I'm getting pissed at Boston.com. I'm sure everybody has noticed that they are starting to require people to register before being able to access the website. The thing that is really frustrating about this development is that they only require you to log in once every couple weeks. In fact, there is such a long delay in between log in sessions that I keep forgetting my fake password and username. Listen, if you want to make me log in that's fine, but make me log in everyday so I remember my codes. All I ask is for some consistency so I don't have to keep making up new aliases every two weeks only to forget them two weeks later.

2. Malcolm Glazer is becoming a national security concern. He is on the verge of sparking a war between Great Britain and the United States and for what? Because he wants to own Manchester United? Glazer is going to get himself assassinated and deservedly so. I keep waiting to hear that he bumped into a soccer hooligan in a dark alley and got his ass whooped or something. The bottom line is that an American has no business owning the most beloved soccer team in the world because America hates soccer. I'm sure the fact that Glazer looks like an evil dude isn't helping the situation either. As a side note I wonder what goes through a guys head when he sees himself being burned in effigy by mobs of angry people?

3. BRITNEY SPEARS says she will never look sexy again because she doesn't ``care'' what she looks like now she is happily married. The London Sun reports that since marrying Kevin Federline, the pop princess has swapped her skimpy outfits, immaculate makeup and manicured nails for baggy tracksuits, greasy unbrushed hair and a cosmetic-free face. She told Contactmusic.com: ``I think I'll always have a weight problem. I love junk food and occasionally will still splurge, but normally I just eat sensibly. After I got married, I was one of those people who let themselves go a little bit. ... I walk out of my house in my pajamas, with no makeup on and I just don't care because that's how I feel more comfortable.''

I can't stress the following point enough; Britney Spears is dead to us at the Stool. But I can't help wonder what will happen when they break up? I feel like once you go fat you can never be perceived as a sex goddess again.

4. The Feminist movement took a giant step forward this week. The state appeals court ruled that a woman isn't legally responsible for injuries her boyfriend suffered while they were having consensual sex more than a decade ago. The man, identified only as John Doe in court papers, filed suit against the woman in 1997, claiming she was negligent when she suddenly changed positions, landed awkwardly on him and fractured his penis. Justice Joseph Trainor ruled that "There are no comprehensive legal rules to regulate consensual sexual behavior. In the absence of a consensus of community values or customs defining normal consensual conduct, a jury or judge cannot be expected to resolve a claim that certain consensual sexual conduct is undertaken without reasonable care." Based on this new court ruling I may ask that The First Lady fill out some paper work saying that she will be held liable from any injuries resulting from awkward and potentially damaging sexual maneuvers.

5. I am one of those guys who can only listen to WEEI for so long before I need to change the channel and listen to music. Yesterday I couldn't even make it through the Weiner Whiner line on the Big Show. The thing that irritates me the most is the over the top laughter after every single whine. Bill Burton basically hyperventilates no matter how dumb the statement he is laughing at is. For some reason it is really getting under my skin. I'd break down the Weiner Whiner line like this; there is 2 minutes of actual whines, 1 minute of reaction to the whines by the hosts, and 3 minutes of annoying fake laughter.

6. Did people see that Natalie Portman shaved her head for an upcoming movie? She still looks smoking hot. This is the ultimate test for a beautiful woman. I should make all our cover models shave their head before they can be in the Stool. If they still look good we'll use them in 6 months or whenever it grows back. If they look ugly, they’re out.

7. El Presidente would like to give an official welcome back to our friends at Casino Montreal. For those of you who didn't notice their glorious return, they have the back page cover in our latest issue. The people at Casino Montreal are just about the best people I've ever dealt with so far. They are such big fans of the paper that they actually included 30 Ugly Shirts in their contract with us. But the verdict is still out on whether we helped them at all last year. They basically are giving us one last shot to prove ourselves. I keep telling them that we have the perfect audience to advertise the city of Montreal and I really believe that. Montreal is an AWESOME weekend trip. In 4.5 hours you can be in a different world where gambling and pretty much everything else is legal. They've got tons of great deals on their website and they will be tracking how many people are checking out these deals and booking hotel rooms. The link is www.greatcasinodeal.com. Again if you're looking to see what Montreal has got to offer or you are going North please check out this website and help support the Stool!

8. There was a story on Boston.com last week about how Six Flags is going to reserve the right to restrict convicted Sex offenders from entering the park. The story goes on to discuss how Bob Levan who bought season passes to Six Flags Great America for his daughters and their best friend is worried he won't be able to ride the roller coasters with them because he is a convicted sex offender.

''My 13-year-old girl read this on the back of the pass and said, `Now Daddy, does this mean you can never take me to Great America?''' he said. ''I am 350 percent for protecting children, and that just bugs me.''
Levan was convicted of molesting an 8-year-old relative when he was 16. He served a brief jail sentence and underwent treatment in a mental health facility. Now 35, the divorced information technology worker is raising a family in suburban Chicago.

The fact that this is even a story bugs me. Listen dude, you're out. Once you start getting fancy with an 8 year old girl, you're banned for life from children's amusement parks. It takes a lot of balls to complain about this. He should be thankful he's still a free man and not so worried about the rolla coaster ride.

9. In light of the fact that Andrew Golata got knocked out by Lamon Brewster in 53 seconds last Saturday Night here is the million dollar question. Who would you rather see get knocked out more; Andrew Golata, Tommy Morrison or Stan Humphries? Both Golata and Morrison have that rare ability to get hit with the absolute perfect haymaker right in the nose. And they both crumble like a house of cards when the punch lands, which makes it very dramatic. But I still think I prefer watching Stan Humphries try to wobble back to the sidelines with that glazed look in his eyes the most. As great as Golata and Tommy Gunn are at getting knocked out, nobody can replicate the Stan Humphries "I'm on Mars" face.

10. The newest sex symbol in professional sports is this Danica Patrick chick, who is an auto car Racer. Yes, auto car racer. (Her website is danicaracing.com) I’ll admit it. I watched the final 10 laps of the Indianapolis 500 and it was great television because of her. But is Danica Patrick good for auto racing? Sure the ratings for the Indy 500 were 40 times higher than they would have been without her, but at the same time she is also exposing the fact that car racing is not a real sport. After all, name me another sport where a female can be the 4th best in the world at it? I’ve been arguing for years that auto racing doesn’t take any real athletic ability and Danica Patrick is driving this point home with authority. As a side note, the tradition of the winning driver of the Indy 500 guzzling a gallon of milk has to be one of the worst traditions of all time. I’m surprised nobody has ever yuked it up after they drank it. But more importantly let's get down to how pretty this girl really is. I think she's cute. But she's obviously no Anna Kournikova or Jenny Finch. I mean if you saw Danica Patrick walking down the street I'm not sure you'd even turn to look back at her. But since she competes in a sport filled with rednecks, incest and guys with two teeth, Danica seems like a shining beacon of beauty. I'd give her a 7 on a scale of 1-10. But she clearly is a 10 in redneck circles.

11. Ricky Williams agent has said unequivocally that Williams will report to Dolphins training camp this year. For me this story isn't about how his teammates will accept him, but how the heck did Williams lose 35 lbs since his playing days? It is my experience that people tend to pig out when they smoke dope. I believe this is a medical condition known as the munchies. Therefore, it's quite confusing to me how Ricky spent all of last year getting high and losing weight. Does anybody have a good explanation for this?

12. Bobby Brown is going to be the star of his own reality TV show called `Being Bobby Brown,'' debuting June 30 on Bravo. How can this show not be good? An average night for Bobby Brown consists of a few of the members of his entourage getting stabbed and then Bobby coming home to a high and certifiably insane Whitney Houston. This smells like a winner to me.

13. Sticking with can't miss TV, Tara Reid has been named the new host of E Wild On. This is just the kick in the ass that the show needed. Is there any doubt that Reid will be totally wasted on every show? I would also say she is the first host who has a legitimate chance to hook up with the random dudes she meets while partying. Tara Reid is a total mess and there is nothing better than watching a total mess get loaded and hit the town with cameras rolling.

14. Burt Reynolds slapped a producer in the face last week while a camera was rolling at a movie premiere. The producer was asking Reynolds about his new movie "The Longest Yard" outside the premiere Tuesday night when the actor appeared to become annoyed. "You don't know anything about the movie?" Reynolds, 69, asked the producer for CBS News PATH, which provides video footage to affiliate stations. The producer acknowledged he hadn't seen it or the original 1974 version -- and then Reynolds smacked him. "What ... kind of guy are you?" Reynolds asked. I know what you're thinking. How could Burt Reynolds do this? But I've got to defend my boy here. This is exactly how I like to handle situations in which I encounter people who have never heard of Barstool Sports. A quick slap to the face followed by asking the "What kind of guy are you?"

15. Two "Star Wars" fans were critically injured when they tried to replicate the light sabers used in the movie by filling glass fluorescent light tubes with fuel, police and a news report said Tuesday. The pair, Mark Webb, 20, and an unidentified 17-year-old girl, were planning to make a video recording of a duel like those in the just-released blockbuster film "Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith," They were injured when one of the makeshift sabers exploded Sunday evening in the woods in Hemel Hempstead, north of London.
Come on. This is too much! And can't you just buy toy replica light sabers? I know they had those things when I was a kid.

16. Last week on the Barstool Sports Radio Hour we debated which Red Sox player you would least want to fight in a bar room brawl vs. which one you would pick first if you had to fight somebody. I think this is an interesting question to ponder. I said I'd want to fight Manny the most because I don't think he'd take it seriously. I'm not even convinced he'd realize he was in a fight. The guy I wanted to fight the least was Trot Nixon because I think he becomes a raging lunatic when he gets mad. He's the type of guy who would kick you 10 times in the head after you've been knocked unconscious. The biggest debate was regarding David Wells. A few people said he'd be the first guy they'd want to fight because he got knocked out by a midget a few years ago in NYC. I'm still not convinced you'd want to go toe to toe with Boomer. I feel like you'd be wearing a beer bottle on your head pretty quickly. I'm interested in what other people think about this topic. Who says we don't tackle the tough issues at the Stool?

17. Ok, so what do people think of this new Paris Hilton hamburger commercial? Basically she is standing next to car sponging herself down while holding a burger. It makes the Go Daddy Superbowl commercials look like child's play. Obviously I'm not going to say anything bad about the morality of airing this on public television since Barstool Sports is a borderline smut magazine. However, I must admit that I was shocked how good Paris looked. I've never been a huge fan of hers but this clearly reopens the debate for me on who is the better looking chick; Paris or Nicole Richie. I may need to watch One Night In Paris to finalize my opinion.

Reader Email

Email #1

Pres

In response to your random thought about the cartoons on espn.com, I have to let you know that I completely agree. I've had it with espn.com and their website is getting very close to being completely off my radar. Every time I go to espn.com now something happens and my computer freezes and I have to reboot the internet. I've even written espn.com support to bitch to them about how difficult it is to read an article. I've posted on the barstool sports message board and others have the same problems with espn.com. It drives me crazy, because all I want to do is read the article or story and I always have to shut down and reboot to read it again. It's disappointing, because browsing espn.com used to be one of my favorite things to do at work, but now the frustration makes it so it's not worth it.

-Scott

This is one of the best emails we've had in months because it clears up a big misconception I had about my computer. I thought I was the only one who kept having my computer shut down on ESPN.com. It happens to me on CBS.Sportsline as well. They must be aware of this right? How stupid can you be? It seems just a tad bit more important to have a functional website as opposed to three more cartoons and ESPN Motion.

Email #2

Dear Presidente:

Your "Barstool Real Estate Guide" gets my vote for insightfulness and entertainment value. I enjoyed it. But, when I grew up, and even nine months ago when my wife lived there, Coolidge Corner was in Brookline (which is the town with the overnight parking ban) not Newton. Washington Square is also in Brookline. David West Roxbury P.S. Are you named after W., or a smooth Dominican beer?

After checking my facts it appears that yes, Coolidge Corner is still in Brookline. We will categorize that as a massive mistake and move on.