Random Thoughts
1. Boston.com - We all think, at one time or another, of changing careers. Not everyone imagines going into the underwear business. Susan Bloomstone did, however. Bloomstone, a former television producer for PBS, got an idea for a business venture after reading a New York Times story in 2006 on the dramatic increase in buttock augmentation surgery. "I read how more and more women were walking into their plastic surgeon's office and asking for a [rear end] like Beyonce's," said Bloomstone, who lives in Newton. "The butt used to be something you hid, but now it's something you show off." Bloomstone saw a business opportunity. Her product? Bootypop, a line of padded underwear designed to help women look a bit more . . . voluptuous. Think of it as a padded bra, she says, for your backside.
Padded asses? Are you fucking kidding me? What’s next? Chicks wearing full body suits that make them all look like Kristin Kreuk or something? Shit like this has never made any sense to me. I mean isn’t the point of trying to look hot to attract guys and get laid? So what happens when you trick somebody into thinking you got a great ass only to reveal Booty Pop when it’s go time? I’d say the gig is up. And call me crazy but Booty Pop doesn’t look nearly as sexy as a thong. So again what’s the point? It’s like robbing a bank without having an exit strategy. Yeah, you can get in and get the money, but what good is it if you still get arrested?
2. Police have issued an arrest warrant for former Montreal Canadiens great Guy Lafleur, who is accused of lying to a judge. Lafleur's son stands accused of 21 offences – some of them dating to 2004 – ranging from forcible confinement to drug trafficking to sexual assault.... It was later revealed Lafleur had twice driven his son to an illicit motel rendezvous, allowing him to stay the night with his 16-year-old girlfriend; the girl told police about the trysts when the relationship ended.
I always had a grudging admiration for Guy Lafleur. Back when hockey mattered and the Bruins were something more than just the runt of the Boston sports litter, he was their arch nemesis. Agile, graceful, clutch, a class act all the way... he personified what the Lady Byng trophy was all about. It was maddening to see him destroy the Bruins time and again like he did in the 1978 playoffs, but you had to respect the man. But this story changes everything. Now he's my goddamned hero. I've got two young sons of my own, trying to feel my way along and learn how to raise them right in a world fraught with peril... and Guy Lafleur is my new role model. A father wants to do right by his boys. A son needs a dad who'll be there for him. Its vital to both that they share common interests; that they bond. You can coach your son's teams, help him with his homework, take him fishing, teach him to golf, have man-to-man talks with him; that's all well and good. But nothing says "I love you, son" like "Come with me, pal. I'm driving you to a seedy motel so you can commit statutory rape on your 16 year old nympho." I just hope when the time comes, I can be there for my boys, too.
3. Sunherald.com - A Biloxi teacher, who was suspended after sexual battery charges were filed against her, admitted to police she had sexual relations with the 15-year-old, according to court documents provided by the county attorney. In one communication she called the juvenile her little "sex fiend." Rebecca Dawn Bogard, 27, was charged with sexual battery of a teenage male student Jan. 18, and released on $50,000 bond. She was suspended by the Biloxi School District with pay Jan. 23. According to the underlying facts presented to the county attorney, the juvenile's mother found sexually explicit text messages from "Dawn." The mother also learned her son had lost his job at a sandwich restaurant for taking extended breaks with a woman fitting Bogard's description who was driving a car that fit the description of Bogard's Jaguar, which has the vanity license plate "GRRRRR." Mrs. Bogard admitted to having a sexual relationship with the juvenile and admitted to having sexual intercourse with him on at least three occasions with the latest occurring 17 January 2008. When asked where the sex occurred, Mrs. Bogard indicated that sex occurred in her Jaguar."
I don’t care that this chick is 27 years old. She has to be the Captain of the Cougars. She should have a little “C” on her chest with claws coming out of it. Because unlike a lot of child predators, Dawn clearly isn’t ashamed of hunting younger men and little boys. She basically announced her intentions to the world and dared anybody to stop her. I mean she’s driving around in a Jaguar with a vanity plate that says GRRRRR! That’s five R’s for those of you keeping score at home. You just don’t drive a sex machine like that unless you plan on doing a lot of fucking in the front seat. I just hope at her arraignment her fellow Cougars show Dawn the respect she deserves and give her the slow clap as she gets whisked away to jail. I think she earned that much. Keep in mind it was FIVE R's in GRRRRR!
4. Wcbd.com - A woman in Fox Lake, Wisconsin decided to drive home after a night at the bar. On the way, she called 911 to report she may be too drunk to drive. Pat Dykstra has an OWI ticket because of this 911 call:
Caller: I just want to know if somebody can follow me home because somebody seems to think I can't drive home straight.
911: OK, why is that?
Caller: He seems to think I am too intoxicated to drive.
911: OK, and so you called 9-1-1 or he called 9-1-1?
Caller: Well, he wanted me to call 9-1-1 'cause he thinks I'm too drunk to drive.
She gave such a good description police found her at her home and gave her a breathalyzer. She blew a .14. Pat says she's not sure if the drunk driving ticket was really fair. After all, by the time she got the ticket, her car was parked right here in the garage. Pat said "I was home already in my pajamas going to bed." Dodge County Sheriff Todd Nehls says Pat did the right thing. Todd Nehls said "I think a judge will look at her and say you know what, you stepped up to the plate. You did the right thing. I think it's commendable."
What a whuss bag this chick is! Listen if you’re going to drive home drunk do it like a man! Just fucking fly home as fast as you can so you can get your ass off the road. If you crash you crash. But if you’re going to half ass it and call 911 than you might as well just take a cab. Now having said that this lady still got screwed. I mean how can you give somebody an OWI after they’ve already parked the car and are in their house? How do the cops know she didn’t celebrate making it home alive by doing tequila shots?
5. NYDailynews.com - A former athletic manager for Hofstra University's football squad claims she was sexually harassed by jocks who engaged in unsportsmanlike conduct on the team bus. Lauren Summa was locked in the bus bathroom during one trip and harassed when a video showing graphic interracial sex scenes was played on another ride, according to a complaint filed in Long Island Federal Court. Summa, a former Miss Teen Pittsburgh and Miss Teen Pennsylvania in 2001, claims an African-American player told her, "That is what you white women want." When she asked an assistant coach to shut off the movie "Shadowboxer," she said, "The players responded by shouting for [the coach] to play the video and yelling, 'We want boobies!'"
First of all honey I wouldn’t be bragging about Winning Miss Teen Pittsburgh. That’s like winning Miss Teen Brockton. Regardless how selfish is this chick? Who does she think she is to ask the assistant coach to shut off a movie that is playing on the team bus? That’s like asking them to change the music in the locker room because you find it offensive. Next thing you know she’s going to want to start calling the plays too. And keep in mind when I wrote this I thought Shadowboxer was a porno. In reality it’s just a Cuba Gooding Jr flick. I mean how graphic could it be? Bottom-line is part of your job as the chick athletic manager is to bang the players and show boobies upon command. If you don’t like it than go manage the women’s ice hockey team or something.
6. JANUARY 23--A 20-year-old female corrections officer is facing sex assault charges for allegedly performing oral sex on a male inmate on New Year's Eve in an Oklahoma jail. Billie Pelley told investigators that she entered inmate Bobby Mann's cell and began kissing the 37-year-old inmate "for a while." She then advanced to servicing Mann, but "stopped after thinking about what she was doing," according to a probable cause affidavit filed earlier this month in Okfuskee County District Court. By then, however, Pelley's encounter with Mann had already been recorded by a surveillance camera... Pelley admitted the sexual contact with the prisoner, who is awaiting trial on a bomb threat count. Pelley was charged last week with forcible sodomy, a felony, since Mann was not legally "capable of giving legal consent" because he is in custody. Prosecutors concede, however, that Mann, not surprisingly, consented to the oral sex.
Since I first heard this story, I've been furiously checking with all the world's leading human rights organizations to find out what they plan to do about the horrible mistreatment of Bobby Mann, and surprisingly I've found out nothing. Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, Freedom House... none of them has made a statement regarding the plight of poor Mr. Mann. I assume these groups are busy holding emergency meetings to discuss strategy because what happened here is far worse than anything that took place at Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo Bay. What did Bobby Mann do to warrant such unconscionable abuse? Make a bomb threat? Please. For that he has to do "hard" time? What does it say about our society when we allow a man to suffer like this while we simply stand by and say nothing? How would any of us feel to be arrested, held against our will, then have the likes of Billie Pelley force themselves upon us? It's an unspeakable horror and I won't rest until justice is served. Free Bobby Mann! Free Bobby Mann!...
7. I got sent the following press release today;
The recently opened High Street Men’s Grooming Centre, located at 296 Newbury St., caters exclusively to men. Styling stations are equipped with individually controlled flat screen televisions, so whether it’s ESPN News or CNN, customers can watch what they choose. www.highstreetboston.com The cacophony of noise created by multiple, individually-controlled televisions located within close proximity of each other proved a challenge for High Street so the salon teamed up with Watertown, MA-based Holosonic Research Labs. Holosonics equipped the Centre with its Audio SpotlightÃ�®directional sound system which provides targeted audio to customers, while maintaining the salon’s relaxing ambiance. Other highlights of the new High Street Grooming Centre include: appointments with choice of stylist; various grooming packages; a wide selection of hair and grooming products designed exclusively for men; gift certificates; business/sports/lifestyle publications; and complimentary beverages.
Wait a minute. High Street Salon is located on Newbury Street? Is this a test or something? Anyway I kind of think this is a good idea. Now before everybody comes out of the woodwork and calls me a pussy let me just state for the record I’ve cut my own hair since Freshman Year in college. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon since nobody can do as good a job as I can. But if High Street Salon somehow has another me working there, I think I’d give this place a shot. It’s kind of like taking a mini vacation from the real world. Granted this place ain’t cheap, but whatever. I mean I’m a young professional smut publisher. I think I can afford the finer things in life right? Anyway, I’m curious whether any Stoolies have gone there yet? Or do people think this is just a place for the Euros and kids who wear Ed Hardy shirts and go to District at night and didn’t play sports growing up? Personally I think a man salon is just what the doctor ordered.
8. CRALEY, Pa. -- Police said a 29-year-old York County woman is dead after her husband apparently shocked her with an electric cord to stimulate her during sex. Officials said 37-year-old Toby Taylor was jailed Thursday in lieu of $100,000 bail on involuntary manslaughter and reckless endangerment charges. Authorities said Kirsten Taylor was found unconscious Wednesday night at their Lower Windsor Township home. She was taken to York Hospital, where she was pronounced dead. Police charging documents said Toby Taylor first said his wife was shocked by a hair dryer. But police said when burns were found, he told them he had clipped a cord to his wife and plugged it into an electric strip three or four times. York County Coroner Barry Bloss called it a case of "bizarre sex" and said, "Even if you did it before, you have to know you could kill someone."
Does it really matter if she was shocked by a hair dryer or shocked by her husband during kinky sex? It’s just semantics if you ask me. In any event this guy kind of got a raw deal don’t you think? I mean it’s not like he killed his wife on purpose. Shit happens during kinky sex. Pretty soon couples that want to get freaky are going to have to sign a waiver like you do before bungi jumping or ski diving. It’s bullshit. The bottom-line with kinky sex is that you got to take big risks if you want big rewards. You got to push the envelope and sometimes you get burned (no pun intended) Regardless it looks like me and the First Lady aren’t going to be shocking each other any time soon. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still try it with any of the Barstool Girls, but I can’t afford to lose the First Lady. At least not while I’m living in her mom’s house. Although it is a noble way to go down.
9. KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia —Thieves in Malaysia stole an adult cow, squeezed it into the back seat of a car and drove off with it, but abandoned the animal when the getaway vehicle crashed into a tree, police said Thursday. The cow, injured in the crash, was slaughtered by villagers.
First of all, this is what happens when you don’t call shotgun. You can't move your legs, you can't change the radio, it fucking sucks. Not for nothing, but even a cow has to know that. On the other hand though, I feel badly for this cow. Just think about what happened to him. You’re a cow, you get stuffed into the backseat of a car, the car crashes - you survive, probably moo a few times just to see if you’re still breathing, open the door, escape the car, then get slaughtered by local villagers. I mean what the fuck? I know all cows are Hindu, but this one’s gotta be shaking his head as he cuts the line to the Afterlife.
10. So earlier this week I get an email out of the blue from Regan Communications asking if the Stool would be willing to interview the Patriot Cheerleaders. They even offered to let us take some pictures of them. Naturally I thought this was pretty cool. Well today I get an email from Regan saying that the Pat’s cheerleaders don’t want to do the interview with us and how I shouldn’t be surprised since we’ve said “less than flattering things about them” in the past. Fucking Regan Communications! What are they trying to make me look like a fool or something? Listen; don’t ask me to do an interview if you can’t make it happen. I honestly could have cared fucking less either way if it weren’t for the fact I already told Manzo we were doing it. Now I got to walk into his office and tell him there is no such thing as Santa Claus. It’s bullshit! All because Regan Communications doesn’t have their shit together. And the thing that really gets me mad is the way this chick at the end tried to make it seem like it was our fault. Like we requested this interview out of the clear blue sky. Fuck that! They were looking for publicity for some lame ass vacation they are pumping up with the Pats Cheerleaders to Punta Canta. So spare me the lecture on how our request was denied because we’ve talked shit in the past. Obviously you fucked up. And why would you try to make it seem like it was our fault anyway? Just say the Pats cheerleaders schedule was too busy with the Superbowl or something. Don’t try and rub my nose in it because that’s how you end up getting crushed on the blog. You’d think somebody who works in PR would know this shit. Regardless, great job here by Regan of generating some negative publicity for everybody involved out of nothing.
PS – Here is the entire email exchange;
From:Kara (Regan Communications)
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2008 12:37 PM
To: portnoy@barstoolsports.com
Subject: Patriots Cheerleaders Swimsuit Calendar
Hi Dave,
With Patriots fever sweeping Boston, I was hoping you might consider doing a feature on the Patriots cheerleaders in an upcoming issue of Barstool sports. In the midst of getting ready for the Superbowl, they are also picking out swimsuits and preparing for their annual swimsuit calendar shoot in Punta Cana in April. Below are details of the trip.
I would be happy to arrange interviews for you with some of the cheerleaders, as well as a photo opp. Let me know if you are interested.
Thanks,
Kara
From:Dave Portnoy
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2008 1:01 PM
To: Kara
Subject: RE: Patriots Cheerleaders Swimsuit Calendar
Hey Kara,
Thanks for the email. We'd love to do a story on them. How fast could all this be arranged? I'm thinking the next issue which is right after the Superbowl would be the best one. Let me know what is the best way to work it.
Dave
From:Kara (Regan Communications)
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2008 1:04 PM
To: Dave Portnoy
Subject: RE: Patriots Cheerleaders Swimsuit Calendar
Hi Dave,
I can most likely set up a phone interview this week. I’m not sure what you had in mind for photos, but I have some from last year’s trip, or if you would want to shoot your own, I could find out what their schedule is for practices at the stadium over the next week.
Let me know. Thanks
From:Dave Portnoy
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2008 1:26 PM
To: Kara
Subject: RE: Patriots Cheerleaders Swimsuit Calendar
Would it be possible to do a shoot next week for our Cover with the interview? Of course if they lose we'd probably kill it. Also do you know which girls for the interview?
From:Kara (Regan Communications)
Dave, let me check their practice schedule. Would you be able to send someone out to the stadium and do it there?
From:Dave Portnoy (Stool)
Yes. Wednesday would be the best but we can work around their schedule.
From:Kara (Regan Communications)
I’m still waiting to hear, but it looks like a photo shoot next week is not going to be possible. If you can’t do a cover, could you still do an interview with a photo from last year’s trip? Let me know. Thanks
From:Dave Portnoy (Stool)From:Dave Portnoy (Stool)
Still interested. Do you know which cheerleader(s)
Dave
Marci (Regan Communications)
Dave,
Kara forwarded me your request since I represent the cheerleaders. They are not interested in doing an interview or photo shoot with your publication. I’m sure you’re not surprised, given the less than flattering things you’ve written about them in the past.
Marci
Regan Communications
From:Dave Portnoy (Stool)
Ok. Just as an FYI we didn't contact you to do an interview. You contacted us. Now you're saying they don't want to do it which if fine. But I probably would have figured that out before requesting us to do an interview with them in the first place. Also I'm not quite sure what we've said about them that is that bad. I mean I really don't care, but you'd think NFL cheerleaders would be accustomed to people commenting on their looks.
PS - We do plan on communicating this with our readers.
Dave
11. A Wisconsin man who allegedly defecated on the clothing and shoes of neighbors was charged yesterday with the repulsive, month-long soiling spree. Ronnie Ballard, 19, is facing misdemeanor charges for ruining the items, which were in the laundry room and hallways of a Madison apartment building that is next door to Ballard's residence. According to a criminal complaint filed in Dane County Circuit Court, Ballard defecated on two occasions in a washing machine, ruining a comforter, baby clothing, and other garments. Ballard, pictured in the mug shot at right, is also charged with defecating in the tennis shoes and boots of building residents, who had left the footwear outside their apartment doors. The complaint quotes one resident's reaction when she discovered the ruined sneakers: "He shit in someone's Reebok."...Court Commissioner Todd Meurer "ordered Ballard to only defecate in toilets."
At the risk of getting all philosophical, one of my deeply held beliefs is that life's journey is a pursuit of knowledge. That every time you learn something new, you improve; you become a better person. That any day spent not expanding your knowledge is a day not worth living. And today is already a good day because I learned that in Wisconsin, you can not defecate in someone's clothing "without that person's consent" or if by doing so, the crapping in question causes said person to be "disturbed." From Ronnies complaint:
- "Lavinia stated that she threw out all the baby clothing and further stated that she had not given anyone consent to defecate on the clothing."
- "Watson stated that she had not given anyone permission to defecate in her shoes and she was disturbed."
- JAC stated that neither she nor Towanda Cooper gave anyone permission to defecate in their boots or on the floor outside of their apartment and that they were disturbed."
Now granted this information may or may not have any practical application. But at least now I know that if I'm in America's Dairyland, and someone drops a log in my shoes, or leaves a finless brownfish on the floor outside my apartment, or releases some sewer trout into my washing machine, I need to tell the investigating officer that it was done without my consent and that it disturbs me. Also, if I'm ever in Wisconsin and I come across a pair of unguarded LeBron James Yankee sneakers and want to leave a finless brownfish in there, I need to ask permission. That's not just being a good neighbor. It's the law.
12. news.com.au - A SOLDIER thought he was in for a night of sexual adventure when he let a woman handcuff him but instead she assaulted him because she thought he had wronged her, a Perth court has been told. Nicola Clunies-Ross went on trial in the West Australian District Court today accused of luring her Darwin-based soldier lover to her Perth home on October 28, 2006. She has pleaded not guilty to assault occasioning bodily harm, aggravated sexual penetration without consent and deprivation of liberty. Prosecutor Amanda Burrows told the jury today that Ms Clunies-Ross believed her 19-year-old lover had wronged her and was lying about an ex-girlfriend and may have had hepatitis C. Ms Clunies-Ross lured him to her flat, told him she had a surprise for him, ordered him to strip and handcuffed him to a chair. "He consented to being constrained at that point in time. He thought he was in for a night of sexual adventure," Ms Burrows said. But instead, a champagne-sipping Ms Clunies-Ross smiled at the man and told him "I am going to destroy you", Then her longer-term boyfriend Peter Gurdulic, also a 19-year-old Darwin-based soldier, arrived with a big vibrator which she used on her victim in a one-hour ordeal.
Totally not the way you draw it up on the blackboard. This is every man’s worst nightmare. You let a chick handcuff you to the bed only to have her tell you that now she is going to destroy you for giving her the Hep C. And even at that point you’re probably thinking this still may work? I mean maybe she means destroy like in a good way? But once a dude emerges from the closet with a dildo in his hand it’s pretty much lights out from there. That’s why as a rule I only let one hand get handcuffed at a time. I want to be able to defend my asshole with the other.
13. I know this blog has nothing to do with anything, but I’m pretty sure I just broke the record for the worst burnt mouth of all time. Does Guinness Book of World Records have a category for this? If not they should. Anyway, I just got a 3rd degree burn from Stouffers French Bread Pizza. Now I’m not an idiot. I knew all about Stouffer’s reputation going in. I mean they are like the poster child for burned mouth syndrome. Every time you eat it, it is like it is like playing Russian roulette with your mouth. As a result, I let this motherfucker cool for 45 minutes before I ate it. 45 minutes! I was actually able to touch the tray it was cooked on with no problem before I took a bite. But it still ripped my mouth to shreds. And you know what? I wasn’t even mad. Sometimes you just got tip your cap to the other team because they are better than you. I mean I knew exactly what Stouffers was doing and I still couldn’t stop it. It was like the old Green Bay Packers Power Sweep. I was totally helpless. As a side note, I wonder if NASA can keep shit as hot as long as that top layer of cheese in Stouffers? I just got to believe that is like alien technology or something.
14. As I’m sure everybody knows by now, the big news of two weeks ago was the sudden death of Heath Ledger who died in an apparent OD situation. Now I got to be honest here. I kind of saw this one coming. After all anybody who dumps Scarlet Johansson for Michele Williams (aka the ugly chick from Dawson’s Creek) is clearly hiding some deep dark secrets in their soul. But that’s really neither here nor there. Instead the point of this random thought is I’m wondering whether people think Heather Ledger’s death qualifies as a phone call death? Because the First Lady thought it was important enough to disturb me while I was doing my paper route to break the news. This is how our conversation went;
Me: Hello
First Lady: Guess What?
Me: What?
First Lady: Heath Ledger died
Me: Oh yeah?
First Lady: Yeah.
Me: So what else is going on?
First Lady: Nothing. I was just calling to tell you he died.
Me: Ok. I guess I’ll see you tonight.
So naturally this conversation got me thinking whether Heath really deserved his own death phone call? I’ve got to vote no here. I just think that the celebrity death phone call should be reserved for the crème de le crème of celebrities. If Lindsey Lohan or Britney Spears bite the bullet then I want to know about it right away. But Heath Ledger? Sure it’s sad, but I can read about it in the morning paper. I mean if we’re going to start calling people when guys like Heath Ledger die pretty soon we’ll be calling people when Carrot Top or Brett Michaels dies. No, I don’t like it. The celebrity death phone call should be reserved for maybe 20 people in Hollywood and that’s it.