Random Thoughts
1. ARDMORE, Okla. (AP) - A food fight led to the arrest of an Ardmore man after police say he stabbed another man in the neck with a pork chop bone. Police received a call of a fight outside a local business and arrived to find the victim covered in blood with a puncture wound to his neck. A few blocks away, police arrested 38-year-old Tony Willis. Police say Willis had blood on his clothing and a search revealed a pork chop bone they say was used in the attack.
What the fuck type of idiot is this guy? You stab somebody in the neck with a pork chop bone and you don’t get rid of it afterwards? I feel like criminals are just getting dumber by the minute. Get rid of the weapon! Bury that shit. If the pork bone doesn’t fit you must acquit.
2. I know this blog has nothing to do with anything, but I’m pretty sure I just broke the record for the worst burned mouth of all time. Does Guinness have a category for this? If they don’t they should. Anyway, I just got a 3rd degree burn from Stouffers French Bread Pizza. Now I’m not an idiot. I knew all about Stouffer’s reputation going in. I mean they are like the poster child for burned mouth syndrome. Every time you eat it, it is like it is like playing Russian roulette with your mouth. As a result, I let this motherfucker cool for 45 minutes before I ate it. 45 minutes! I was actually able to touch the tray it was cooked on with no problem before I took a bite. But it still ripped my mouth to shreds. And you know what? I wasn’t even mad. You know how sometimes you just got tip your cap to the other team because they are better than you? Well that’s how I felt with Stouffers. I mean I knew exactly what was coming and I still couldn’t stop it. It was like the old Green Bay Packers Power Sweep. Sometimes the other guy is just better than you and this is one of those times. As a side note, I wonder if NASA can keep shit as hot as that top layer of cheese in Stouffers? I just got to believe that is like alien technology or something.
3. MIAMI -- On Thursday, the Marlins named Glenn Geffner as one of their radio play-by-play announcers. "The Florida Marlins organization is thrilled to welcome Glenn and his family back to South Florida," Marlins senior vice president of communications and broadcasting P.J. Loyello said. "Although we received significant interest from many qualified candidates, Glenn's impressive baseball background, coupled with his desire to be an active member of our organization and community, made him the right choice. Fans across the Florida Marlins Radio Network will enjoy listening to longtime great Dave Van Horne and Glenn for many years to come, starting with our first broadcast on March 1."
The Marlins hired Glenn Geffner? HA! HA! HA! What are they on drugs? Have they ever listened to him call a game before? HA! HA! HA! With all due respect to the Patriots, the Celtics and the teacher who duct taped his students mouth shut, this is clearly the biggest story of the day in Boston. Finally Glenn Geffner’s reign of terror is over. Hallefuckingluiah! Tonight we drink!
4. Bostonherald.com - The Patriots[ team stats]’ path to perfection leading up to Sunday’s AFC Championship game may be a total turn-on for most New Englanders, but it’s driving some football widows to seek revenge sex with strangers. “My man is at (the) Patriots game and I am bored. I don’t care, I am sorry. The (expletive) was going to take me out tonight,” one scorned woman, trolling the personals on craigslist.com, wrote online about 10:15 p.m. Saturday. The woman noted to whoever bit on her offer of fourth-quarter follies that they couldn’t hook up at her place. A 45-year-old man was already one step ahead of her. Three hours before the kickoff of Saturday night’s AFC divisional playoff game between the Pats and Jacksonville Jaguars[ team stats], he was online fishing for wanderlusting women tired of simmering on the back burner behind Brady and Belichick. “Are you a sexy white lady whose man went to the Patriots game and left you all alone??” he posted on craigslist. “Well, rather than sitting home all alone, invite me over and let me give you a few hours of hot, erotic fun.” Dr. Stanley Ducharme, a psychologist and sex therapist at Boston Medical Center, questioned whether the “bored” woman was truly prepared to make that leap or just “trying to make a statement to (her absent partner) that (he’s) crossed the line and (she’s) not going to take it anymore.” “What kind of relationship is that if they’re doing this seriously?” Ducharme said. “The relationships in which someone is feeling like a football widow are relationships in which someone’s probably feeling neglected on an on-going basis. Football just brings old baggage to the surface.
Here I was like a fool thinking that chicks who posted personal ads on craigslist looking to get fucked during half time of Patriot games were in healthy relationships. Thank god Dr. Stanley Ducharme set the record straight. Apparently these chicks aren't in healthy relationships after all. It’s easy to see why he is a Doctor.
PS – If I had to guess I’d say at least three quarters of all Craigslist/Pats hookups end up with somebody getting chopped into little pieces and buried in the woods. That’s just a rough guess.
5. January 18, 2008 -- Gayle is one of five people in the world who suffer from a bizarre and nightmarish condition called musicogenic epilepsy, said her doctors at Long Island Jewish Hospital. Yesterday Gayle explained that around her 21st birthday, she was at a barbecue when "Temperature" began playing. Instantly, she experienced the peculiar "aura" sensation epileptics feel just before a seizure, she said. "As soon as the beat comes on, I don't know what it is, it just triggers my seizure," Gayle said. "It's like a weird sensation you get, like a tingling in your head. I smelled something funny, a weird smell." When she woke up in the hospital after that seizure, she recalled that the Sean Paul song had triggered a prior seizure. "Sean Paul was giving me seizures. I was very surprised, because he was one of my favorite artists," Gayle said.
Man this is nuts! I’ve never heard of musicogenic epilepsy before. But this may explain my reaction to “Brandy” whenever I hear it. Now I don’t have a seizure like this chick, but for some reason I can dance like a mother fucker whenever it comes on. Just ask the artist formerly known as Chisholm. They played Brandy at his wedding and suddenly I became Fred Astaire or something. I was gliding around the floor like butter. The entire wedding basically stopped and stared in awe. The First Lady still talks about it to this day. I’ve never been able to explain it before. Normally I suck at dancing, but whenever Brandy comes on it must trigger something in my brain that makes me dominate.
6. PORTAGE, Wis. (AP) -- Upset that his 7-year-old son wouldn't wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team's playoff victory Saturday, a man restrained the boy for an hour with tape andtaped the jersey onto him. Kowald, contacted later Wednesday by the Portage Daily Register, said the incident started as a joke. His son challenged him by saying he wouldn't root for the Packers.
I didn’t think you could get arrested for this type of shit in Green Bay. If anything I always thought parents whose kids weren’t wearing Packer gear on gameday got written up by Child Services or something. Never mind a playoff game. I mean isn't how to handle this situation right in the Green Bay parenting handbook?
Q - What to do when if my kid doesn’t want to wear his Packers shirt on Gameday?
A - Beat the hell out of them until they change their mind.
So like I said I’m not sure why this guy got arrested. He was just trying to be a good dad and more importantly a good Packer fan. And let me just say this. If my kid ever refused to wear a Nomar shirt when we were going to a Red Sox game, I’d stick it on him with superglue.
7. NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — A woman is seeking an arrest warrant against suspended Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones, claiming he punched her at an Atlanta strip club. Wanda S. Jackson asked for the warrant after a Jan. 3 altercation at the Body Tap Strip Club. Jackson, an attorney, says she was in the club's office when an angry Jones accused managers of stealing his money and bracelet. Jackson said Jones lunged at her numerous times and then "sucker punched" her in the left eye.
At this point obviously we don't know precisely what took place. But I don't see any reason why we shouldn't give Pacman the benefit of the doubt. When he got a year's suspension from Roger Goodell, Jones took out a full page ad in the Tennessean where he said "I will do everything in my power to regain your trust and respect" and I think he's done that. He's worked hard to redeem himself and his strip joint etiquette has improved by leaps and bounds. Seriously, when was the last time you heard a stripper complain about getting pushed around because she tried to pick up the bills after Pac made it rain? A long time... that's how long. Even in this case, was anybody shot? No. No one was shot. That's progress. One step at a time.
8. Inside Track - Now don’t breathe a word of this. Because nobody’s supposed to know. ButNESN’sRed Sox [ team stats]go-to galTina Cervasiowas spotted in the Fox 5newsroom down in NYC recently. That would be the same Fox 5 that currently has an opening for a weekend sports anchor! Word is, Tina’s contract with the Sox-owned NESN is up and they haven’t exactly shown our girl the love that she deserves. Pity . . . .Adding to the intrigue is the fact that Fox 5 GM Lew Leonehired Tina to work for him when he ran CBS2in the Big Apple. So he is a fan.
This makes no sense. As great as the Sox have been on the field they have made some really bizarre non baseball related decisions. First they fired Jerry Trupiano and replaced him with Glenn Geffner in the booth who I think was working as Lucchino’s pool boy before getting the gig. Now they don’t want to resign Tina Cervasio? What gives? The only explanation is that the One Eyed Bandit treats everybody like slaves and unless you are a player they want you to work for free. I mean why get rid of Tina Cervasio? As much fun as we poke at her, I freaking love her. She’s one of the few chicks who seems legitimately excited when the Sox win. Plus, once she’s gone who is going to blow Papelbon after each save? Because you know that prude Kathryn Tappen ain’t going to do it.
9. ESPN.com - The Falcons officially have a new general manager after former New England director of college scouting Tom Dimitroff. He is scheduled to report to work as soon as Monday morning, the team confirmed.
It's that time of year again. While the Patriots are busy working on making history, the rest of the football world is desperately trying to figure out a way to get the Pats mojo to rub off on them. No one knows anything about Dimitroff. I confess to being a card carrying obsessive/compulsive Patriots draft nerd, and the guy's name didn't even register with me. He's 40, he's involved in the Pats college scouting, he probably gets to walk around on the field in Indy at the draft combine with an all-access pass and a stopwatch and... that's about it. And in today's NFL, just saying you've sat in a room listening to Belichick tell you what he wants you to do is enough for some owner to hand you the keys to the franchise. Keep in mind that Josh McDaniels had already told Arthur Blank he wasn't interested in interviewing for the Falcons coaching job, now the guy who puts the colored tabs into Scott Pioli's 3-ring draft binder is in charge of the whole operation.
I expect we'll see more of this in the weeks to come and job offers will be extended to everyone in the Pats organization from Dean Pees to Pepper Johnson to the kid who fetches the coffee and towels off the football. So anxious are teams to gene-splice Belichick's DNA onto their pathetic organizations, I wouldn't be surprised to see his kid taking the podium at a press conference any day now. There are teams that would give their head coaching job to his fingernail clippings or a lock of his hair. I mean, why not? The Jets hired one of his bowel movements.
10. GLENDALE, Ky. -- Bobby Thorn wanted to be the only boy on his school's cheerleading squad, but that didn't happen. The 13-year-old attends East Hardin Middle School in Glendale, but the controversial decision to cut him from the team expands beyond the district's boundaries. Bobby's mother filed a discrimination claim with the Kentucky Commission on Human Rights two years ago, and now a settlement has been reached. Bobby works with coach Jen Brewer at a gym called Becca's Fliptown, something he's been doing since he was about 5. He's been successful, too, winning trophies for gymnastics and cheerleading. “Bobby's phenomenal,” Brewer said. “You don't have this kind of kid with this kind of potential walk in your gym every day.” With his award-winning experience, Bobby tried out for the cheerleading team at East Hardin, but there was a twist: He was the only boy trying to make it. Despite his flips, his tryout was a flop. He didn't make the team. “I was devastated,” he said. In the settlement agreement, the school admits no wrongdoing but the commission has ordered mandatory training for the principal, teachers and coaches at the school.
I’ve never understood shit like this. Listen, I’m open minded guy. If little Johnny wants to be a gymnast more power to him. If little Johnny wants to be a male figure skater, more power to him. Hell if little Johnny wants to be a gay porno star more power to him. But when a kid wants to be a cheerleader, that’s where I draw the line. Cheerleading is 99% about looks and 1% talent. Show me a chick with a great ass and a great set of tits and I’ll show you a great cheerleader. Show me a 13 year old boy who can do flips over a house and I’ll show you somebody who I cut in the first 3 seconds of practice. I don’t get why somebody didn’t just say explain this to the mother. It’s not about him being a boy. It’s about him not being a hot chick. Cheerleaders are just there to look pretty and screw the athletes. There’s no difference between cutting him and a fat broad from the team. Both are totally useless to this particular craft. It’s a total joke that the school was forced to admit that they did no wrongdoing.
11. WARSAW (Reuters) - A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees. Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town. "I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming," the husband told the newspaper Wednesday. The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the newspaper reported.
People always say that we’re mail chauvinists here at the Stool because we think hot chicks have more value to society than ugly chicks. But in reality we’re all about equal opportunity. And this story proves it. I think it’s an outrage that this couple got divorced just because the wife got busted working at the brothel. I mean the husband wasn’t in there because he was looking for a pick up game of Hungry Hungry Hippo. He was looking to fuck. This is like when there are offsetting penalties on the play and you replay the down. In this case the wife quits being a prostitute and the guy stops banging whores. Or you do it the other way and let everybody fuck whoever they want to fuck. Either way it’s a win, win for everybody. No need to throw away 14 years of marriage over this. It’s all about problem solving here at the Stool.
12. Post Gazzette.com - A Westmoreland County man who mailed a bloody cow's head to his wife's lover has been admitted to probation and community service. Jason Michael Fife "understands that in a civilized society a person cannot send a severed cow's head to anybody," said his defense lawyer, Henry Hilles. "My client did step over the line here, but one can certainly understand his frustration, given that the victim was carrying on an affair with my client's wife," Mr. Hilles said. Authorities in Lower Pottsgrove, Montgomery County, arrested Mr. Fife and charged him with stalking, terroristic threats, disorderly conduct and harassment after he allegedly sent threatening messages and pictures to the victim between May and September 2006. The victim received a package containing a cow's head with a puncture wound in its skull on June 1, 2006. Police said Mr. Fife obtained the cow's head from a butcher's shop, claiming he wanted the dried skull for decoration. Instead, he mailed the head frozen, so as not to alert parcel carriers to the contents, police said. The box became bloody after sitting on the victim's doorstep on a warm day. Mr. Fife and his wife, who have a young child, later reconciled, Mr. Hilles said.
Mr. Fife and his wife reconciled? Are you serious? I kind of thought sending a dead cow’s head to your wife’s lover was the universal sign that a relationship is beyond repair. Live and learn I guess. Anyway what’s up with Fife’s lawyer saying his client stepped over the line? What the fuck kind of backstabbing lawyer bullshit is this? Dude if you’re wife is cheating on your ass then you have every right to send a dead cow head’s to her lover. Everybody knows this. It’s not stalking, terrorism, disorderly conduct, harassment or anything else. It’s just a man doing what a man has to do. You want to sleep with my wife? Well get ready for some fucked up dead carcasses to start arriving in the mail. It just comes with the territory.
13. NEW YORK (AP) -- Two men wheeled a dead man through the streets in an office chair to a check-cashing store and tried to cash his Social Security check before being arrested on fraud charges, police said. David J. Dalaia and James O'Hare pushed Virgilio Cintron's body from the Manhattan apartment that O'Hare and Cintron shared to Pay-O-Matic, about a block away, spokesman Paul Browne said witnesses told police. "The witnesses saw the two pushing the chair with Cintron flopping from side to side and the two individuals propping him up and keeping him from flopping from side to side," Browne said. The men left Cintron's body outside the store, went inside and tried to cash his $355 check, Browne said. The store's clerk, who knew Cintron, asked the men where he was, and O'Hare told the clerk they would go and get him, Browne said.A police detective who was having lunch at a restaurant next to the check-cashing store noticed a crowd forming around Cintron's body, and "it's immediately apparent to him that Cintron is dead," Browne said. Dalaia and O'Hare, both 65, were being held by police and faced check fraud charges, Browne said.
Ah the old Weekend At Bernie’s Trick. Who hasn’t tried this at least twice in their life? By the way this is just flat out sloppy journalism by CNN. How do you report this story and not at least mention Weekend at Bernie’s? It would be like talking about the history of African Americans in baseball and not mentioning Jackie Robinson. Anyway, I’m kind of pissed that eager beaver detective had to stick his nose where it didn’t belong. Because this was just getting good. Bottom line is that anybody who tries to cash a dead man’s check by faking that the dead man is still alive deserves the opportunity to see if they can pull it off. There is plenty of time to figure out who was right and who was wrong after the fact. But this is a case of two dudes trying to see if they can reenact a classic American film. I thought that was our Constitutional right as an American citizen. Apparently not. Sad day indeed.