Random Thoughts
1.(AP) An Australian woman was killed by a pet camel given to her as a 60th birthday present after the animal apparently tried to have sex, police said Sunday. The 10-month-old male camel — weighing about 330 pounds — knocked the woman to the ground, lay on top of her, then exhibited what police suspect was mating behavior, Gregory said. "I'd say it's probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing."
Josef Stalin said that "One death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic." He could've added "And one death by horny camel is truly tragic and not at all funny" and he would've gotten no argument from me. This is a horrible story and not the least bit amusing. If you're looking for jokes about this tragedy, you've come to the wrong place. You'll find none here. I'm not going ask "Did he give her one hump or two?" No cracks about how she'd walk a mile for a camel. No wondering which one had the bigger camel toe. No links to wav files of Fergie singing "My hump, my hump, my hump (ha), my lovely lady lumps (Check it out)." I'm not going to say that Michael Vick is looking into starting an interstate camel rape club. Because getting killed by your pet camel because he's trying to get his freak on with you is a horrible thing every time it happens.
2. Okay we got a million emails last week in regards to the fact that Jessica Biel is supposedly going to be showing boobs and ass in an upcoming movie. I actually heard about this rumor a couple weeks ago but I don’t believe it so I haven’t said anything about it. And I’ll continue to be a non believer until I see it with my own two eyes. I mean this is the equivalent of somebody trying to convince me that the Boogey Man exists without tangible proof. It’s impossible. There is nothing you can do or say to convince me until I see it myself. Same goes with Biel being naked. It’s just too good to be true. I refuse to be suckered into the hype until I see it for myself. The letdown would just be too much to handle. I'd probably be forced to do something drastic like kill Pete Manzo or something.
3. So I watched the one hour premiere of the Hills last week (awesome) which was followed by the season premiere of Laguna Beach. Everything went according to plan with the exception of one tiny detail. Laguna Beach isn’t Laguna Beach anymore. Now it’s called Newport Harbor. Yup, apparently the bigwigs at MTV finally noticed the same thing that I’ve been blogging about for the past two years and that’s how quickly Laguna Beach got ugly. I honestly don’t know what happened. It’s like an ugly bomb was detonated on Laguna Beach High School killing all the good looking girls and leaving us with just Cami. And anybody who knows anything about reality TV knows that if you don’t have some hot sluts running around than you don’t have a TV show. Therefore MTV did what any great GM would do. They traded Laguna Beach in for a new hotter town. And that town is Newport Harbor not to be confused with Newport News which produces all the QB’s. So for everybody who had written off Laguna Beach I highly recommend giving Newport News a chance. And yes I’m starting to feel just a tad bit slimy for talking about high school chicks. I’m giving myself a deadline of 40 years old or when Chris Hanson shows up in my living room before I cut this shit out. Whatever happens first. As a side note I wonder if Laguna Beach plays Newport Harbor in football or polo or whatever they play in preppy land? If they do, I bet it’s a blood feud now.
4. BHUBANESWAR (Reuters) - Indian police arrested a sports coach on Monday on suspicion of torturing a five-year-old boy who became a national celebrity for running the equivalent of nearly two marathons. Last year, Budhia Singh entered the Limca Book of Records, India's own version of the famous Guinness publication, after running 65 km (40 miles) without rest in seven hours and two minutes under the stewardship of Biranchi Das, his coach. On Sunday, Singh accused his coach of beating him and withholding food, and said he would give up running. "He hung me upside down from a ceiling fan," he told reporters, smiling and fidgeting. "He locked me in a room for two days without food."
Wait a minute! Hanging people upside down from ceiling fans is considered torture? Was the fan on? Or was the kid just hanging there? Because that totally changes things. Regardless thank God the Stool isn’t based in India. Because starvation, beatings, and hanging people upside down from ceiling fans are just a few of my motivational techniques to get our writers to blog more. You don’t think they motivate themselves do you?
5. Foxnews.com - Embattled NFL quarterback Michael Vick, facing federal charges related to his alleged participation in dogfighting, has been hit with a "$63,000,000,000 billion dollar" lawsuit filed by a South Carolina inmate (Jonathan Lee Riches) who alleges the Atlanta Falcons star stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to buy "missiles from Iran," FOX News has learned. The complaint also alleges that Vick would need those missiles because he pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda in February of this year. “Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes,” Riches writes in the complaint. Riches wants $63 billion dollars “backed by gold and silver “ delivered to the front gates to the Williamsburg Federal Correctional facility in South Carolina. Riches is an inmate at the facility serving out a wire fraud conviction.
I fucking knew it. I knew something wasn’t right about Michael Vick from the second I laid eyes on him. The way he’s always scrambling around in the pocket like he’s running from something. The fake Ron Mexico alias. The crazy brother. It just didn’t feel right. And even when these dog fighting allegations surfaced I had a hunch there was much more to it than simple animal cruelty, but I just couldn’t connect the dots. But it all makes sense now. The guy was buying missiles from Iran to fund Al Qaeda the whole freaking time. I don’t know how I didn’t see this coming. I’m so stupid. Thank God that Jonathan Lee Riches came forward to expose this plot. The guy is a god damn American Hero.
6. Boston.com BRIDGEPORT, Conn. (AP) -- Former Red Sox infielder Jose Offerman was arrested Tuesday night after charging the mound and hitting the pitcher and catcher with his bat during an independent minor league game. Offerman, playing for the Long Island Ducks in the Atlantic League, homered in the first inning. The next inning, he was hit by a pitch from Bridgeport Blue Fish starter Matt Beech and charged the mound with his bat. Offerman hit Beech in the hands and struck catcher John Nathans in the head.
The moral of the story here is that you don’t fuck with Jose Offerman. It doesn’t matter whether he’s playing for the Boston Red Sox or Long Island Ducks. Bottom line is if you throw at Jose Offerman you better be prepared to have the wrath of god brought down upon you. And I say good for him for bringing his bat along to the brawl. Listen, if I’m about to get in a fight and I have a weapon in my hand you better believe I’m bringing it with me. Plus it buys you some extra time. Anyway, somewhere Dan Duquette is smiling thinking to himself “I bet you’d never see that type of production from Mo Vaughn”
7. Aolfanhouse.com - Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman has always celebrated his sacks with the "Lights Out" dance, but he said the fans won't see him doing it this season He seems a little conflicted about it, though:
"Some people who have been around the game a long time say it's immature, you shouldn't do it. That's their opinion. I'm Shawne Merriman. I'm going to act the way I act. But right now I feel like it's important for me to help pull this thing together. Then I can go back to being myself. "There's nothing wrong with it. Would someone tell Jordan to put his tongue in going to the hoop? Would someone tell Tiger to not do his fist pump after a putt? It's their thing. It's not being boastful. (Not doing the dance) is just something I feel is important to do right now."
What the hell is Shawne Merriman talking about? I’ll give a free Barstool hat to anybody who can even make a shred of sense of what he just said. Is he doing the sack dance or not? Is he going to act the way he wants to act or not? What is he pulling together? What does Jordan and Tiger have to do with anything? The only thing I understood was that he’s Shawne Merriman. Beyond that I’m totally confused. This is almost as mind boggling as the guy who finished 2nd to Tiger at the PGA Championship and said just because Tiger beat him doesn’t mean he’s a better player than him. (13 major titles notwithstanding)
8. Bostonherald.com - Today’s long-anticipated on-air reunion of WEEI Sports Radio co-hosts John Dennis and Gerry Callahan has been scratched by the station, which has taken the pair off the air indefinitely amid unraveling contract talks and rumors of defection. The highly rated morning hosts say they’ve been locked out. The radio station calls it a chance to “reflect." Sources said Entercom vice president Julie Kahn is offering Dennis and Callahan “a substantial increase” to stay on when their contract expires in the first week of September, but the sports talkmasters don’t feel the undisclosed raises reflect the revenue their 10-year-old show generates. Their ratings consistently rank No. 1 among male listeners in the coveted 25- to 54-year-old demographic.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like it's a little premature to call this the end of D & C. There's enough posturing going on here to fill a season of "Project Runway." D & C themselves are threatening to jump to another station, 'EEI is calling their bluff, yada yada. It's the same thing we've heard a million times before in this town from ballplayers. The difference between a ballplayer and a pair of radio hosts though, is sometimes the ballplayer is hard to replace. If Richard Seymour, say, had held out on his contract in 2005, the Pats would've been largely screwed. Does anyone, even the biggest Dennis and Callahan fan, doubt that any one of about a thousand Boston-area guys could replace them in a cocaine heartbeat? I'm not a hater. I listen to them for the most part. Not as much as I used to. There's only so much Dennis self-promoting windbaggery and Callahan just-to-the-political-right-of-Mussolini angry ranting I can take. I've become a much bigger fan of Mike & Mike on ESPN Radio, save for the fact that their signal comes in like the French distress signal from "Lost" when I've got the engine running. (And the engine sort of helps me get to work.) D & C have their moments. The weekly appearances with RemDawg, Lucchino, Schilling and Doc Rivers are great. Dennis is brilliant when he's talking to Brad Faxon, the only blunt, objective voice on golf on the airwaves. But you can't convince me that if they're taken off the air, they won't be forgotten in about two days. And if 'EEI is looking for replacements, the legendary Barstool Radio Hour is ready to step up at a moments notice.
9. Laragmag.com - We’re going to apologize in advance to all the straight men out there, for ruining their Jessica Alba fantasies, but here goes…..Jessica Alba(before she was Jessica Alba) used to date Derek Jeter, the serial celebrity dater, who plays for the NY Yankees. Well, our source worked for Cash Warren, her ex, and had to refill her Valtrex prescription for her on a regular basis! Guess who she got it from…that’s right…dirty Derek Jeter.
Ok whenever you hear a story like this the first thing you need to do is question the source. In this case it is something called L.A. Rag Mag. Now I’ve never heard of them before but they do have a website and that’s good enough for me. I mean who am I to question “the source.” Bottom line is that I believe in due process of the law which states everything is true until proven false. So in my book Derek Jeter has the Herp and I’m not surprised in the least. There is just something about him and his squeaky clean image that screams Herpes to me. Honestly if he was in a lineup with 10 guys I think he’d be the guy I’d single out for this STD. As far as Alba goes it doesn’t change my opinion of her. I’d still bang her in a heartbeat. Sometimes you just need to make some sacrifices in life.
10. Dlisted.com - Police confirmed they are investigating a possible sexual assault that occured at thePlayboymansion this week. Police issued this statement to ET : "On Wednesday, August 6th, Los Angeles Police Department detectives began an investigation related to a report of a possible sexual assault at the Playboy Mansion in West L.A. For reasons of law and confidentiality that are critical in such investigations of this type, no additional information will be released at this time."
Is this even news? As the publisher of a major metropolitan newspaper that specializes in smut I can assure you that sexual assault is just part of the deal. Take our party last night for example. I’m just happy if I get out of there with less than 10 sexual assault complaints. The rule of thumb is that anytime you go over the amount of fingers on your hands you need to reevaluate the safety of your events. However anything less than five means there weren’t enough hot girls at your party for guys to molest. So ideally you want to fall somewhere in the neighborhood of 6-8 sexual assault complaints. That means you probably threw a great party.
11. Last week I had to buy frames for posters that we had printed of all the 25 girls in our 25 Sexiest Magazine. So I went to Michael’s and picked up 25 frames. And not just any frames. I bought the cheapest kind they had. The kind that you put sports posters in when you were a kid. Everybody knows what I’m talking about. You can pull off the sides and slip the poster in there and then put the sides back on it. The goods news was that the frames were on sale for 14 bucks each so the total damage was 350 or something like that. Anyway some teenage chick was ringing in my order when this astonished look came over her face. Finally she says to me that she’s never seen anybody buy so many frames before and asked if I was going to be on Cribs or something. She was dead serious. Umm, I hate to break to you honey but if you think buying twenty five 14 dollar plastic frames is big time than you’re probably going to be knocked up 3 times before the day is over. But I guess buying plastic frames is considered big time nowadays on the South Shore.
12. This past Friday Night I went out to dinner with the First Lady and a bunch of her friends to a place called Beehive in the South End. Before we went there I did a little research on the web and found out that it was a Bohemian Bistro. I had no fucking clue what this meant. My buddy Elio told me it was Indian. But apparently Bohemian Bistro is code for hippest place on earth. Because make no mistake about it, Beehive is meant only for the hippest of hipcats. I’m talking the Pete Manzo’s of the world. Whether that’s a good thing or not, I don’t know? The second I walked in I kind of felt like I was in Swingers, but I was the only one in there who would have understood the analogy. I mean people were wearing fedoras, wacky haircuts, weird outfits like it was their job. And obviously there was a live jazz band playing there as well. Frankly the whole thing was just a little bit too much for me. But if you’re looking to impress a date, this place may do the trick. . Especially if she’s into being a hip cat. Just be warned that you’re stepping into a bizarro world when you enter the doors. Also the place is loud as hell. You can barely hear yourself think and no I don’t think they show Sox games.
13. ESPN.com - Indiana Tight End, Blake Powers was arrested, Monday night, for throwing a water balloon from one car to another. The guy who he hit with the balloon turned out to be an off-duty police officer, Paul Wampler. Wampler followed Powers and 2 other friends, from his car. The report says when Wampler stopped them, Powers admitted to throwing the balloon. All four car occupants tested negative for alcohol use.
Indiana football can not catch a break. First their coach dies. Now their tight end happens to throw a water balloon at an off duty cop and gets arrested. And what’s up with the cop actually arresting this guy? Would he have done the same if it was an Indiana basketball player? I doubt it. Honestly at some point Indiana needs to decide whether they want to have a real football program or not. The rule in college football is that anything less than First Degree Murder or rape and you turn a blind eye. You’re not going to compete against the Michigan’s and Ohio State's of the world like this. And don’t think in-state rival Purdue isn’t using this against them in recruiting. “Do you want to go to Indiana and get arrested for throwing water balloons? I didn’t think so.”
14. A reader who works in the cable industry sent me an email about a new product that was put into his company's inventory for all the employees to use. Ladies and gentleman, introducing the Brief Relief;
The Brief Relief™ Disposable Urinal Pouchprovides a safe and convenient alternative when nature calls. The bags can be used by both men and women. Our proprietary blend of naturally bioactive polymers and enzymes instantly turn urine into a deodorized gel. The funnel design and one-way valve prevent accidental spills. Designed with military standards in mind, Brief Relief even comes complete with a high quality sanitary towelette for clean up after use. Safe for disposal in any trash receptacle, Brief Relief™ answers the age old question - Where do you go…when you've got to go….but there's no where to go? Brief Relief™ in your vehicle glove box…….Just in Case!
Fuck why didn’t I think of this? Here I am like an idiot trying to reinvent the wheel with Barstool Sports when I should have just invented a bag to piss in. It’s so simple. Just take a ziplock bag and piss in it and then boom you got the one and only pisslock bag. I actually thought about patenting this a year ago, but I didn’t think anyone would use it. I mean the more I thought about it the more I thought people would still prefer just to piss behind a tree or something. But as the inventor of the Brief Relief points out pissing in public is no longer a viable option in today’s society. One second you’re pissing behind a tree and the next second you’re a Class 2 Sex Offender. I’m never going to forgive myself for this missed opportunity.