Random Thoughts
1. Now I don’t use MySpace that often, but I was recently “friended” by a chick who I know for a FACT has been dating a guy for over 3 years. So per usual, upon accepting her friendship the first thing I did was scroll down to check her “status”. Naturally I was expecting to see “In a Relationship” or even “Single”, as in not married, but to my surprise, her status read “Swinger”. Now in my mind, and this is where I need help from the kids, “Swinger” on MySpace = slut in real life. However, after talking about this last night I was reminded of the original definition of the word “Swinger” – meaning a "hip" couple who swaps sexual partners, smokes weed and listens to The Monkeys. So I don’t know what the answer is. All I know is if my girlfriend of 3+ years had “Swinger” listed as her MySpace status, it might raise a few red flags. Unless of course we were actual swingers, then it would all make sense.
2. A 20-year-old Syracuse woman who left children in her care to go pose for nude photos is facing several charges of endangering the welfare of a child. Police say Michelle Rendino was supposed to be watching four young girls yesterday when she left them alone and went into the woods near Syracuse's Inner Harbor to have a man take nude photos of her. A man fishing saw the children crying and called police. When police arrived, the oldest girl — a six-year-old — told police that "Aunt Michelle" went into the woods to take "nasty pictures."
You know, it would be easy to criticize Michelle for being irresponsible here. But I think she deserves a ton of credit. What was she supposed to do? Take the kids with her? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to put together a nude photo shoot in the woods with a bunch of screaming kids running around? As anyone who's ever babysat kids will tell you, as soon as you get involved in a project, kids will automatically start demanding your time. The only way Michelle was going to get the nude photo shoot off the ground was to tell the kids to sit tight until she got back. Plus, this was what I like to call a "learning opportunity." At some point, you have to give kids responsibility, otherwise they'll never learn to take care of themselves. I'm saying that six year old is better for the experience of learning to take care of her three little sisters. The kids also got a lesson in honesty. Michelle could've lied to them, told them she was going into the woods to gather flowers or feed Bambi or bring a basket of goodies to her Grandma. But she told them she was taking nasty pictures, and kids need to learn to tell the truth.
3. I’ve been meaning to write this random thought for a couple days now. Basically you know how some people get dunked on? Well one of my best friends just got engaged on. Long story short, he dated a chick for maybe 7 or 8 months until she finally dumped him. He never saw it coming. It was like he got hit by a freight train or something. Anyway he just found out that the chick he was dating is now engaged. It’s been less than a year since they broke up. Now if you ask me it’s not even a question whether this chick was cheating on his ass. In fact I think she may have been fucking her future husband the entire time he was going out with her. But he doesn’t want to hear it and actually requested that I throw this out to the Stoolies. So the question is was she cheating on my buddy with her future husband? I vote 100% yes. Of course there is the possibility this chick was so repulsed by my buddy that the new guy looked like superman and she had no choice but to marry him.
4. BEIJING (Reuters) - China will fire rockets into the sky to scatter any rain clouds ahead of next year's Beijing Olympics to ensure perfect weather, state media said on Tuesday. China has already guaranteed perfect weather for the August 2008 Games, but until now had not said how it would make sure its forecast comes true. Zheng Guoguang, head of the China Meteorological Association, announced the decision to use rockets in Beijing on Monday, the China Daily said.
Let me just say this. I hope we never go to war with the Chinese because they don’t fuck around. Shooting missiles at rain clouds? Freaking brilliant. What rain cloud wouldn’t disperse at the sight of an oncoming missile? It makes perfect sense. As a side note, I wonder whether the China’s guarantee of perfect weather was a deciding factor in getting the Olympic Games in the first place? I mean if you have two cities neck and neck and one city guarantees perfect weather the decision is kind of a no brainer right? It's like picking where to go on vacation. If one place says they'll shoot missiles at bad weather to make sure it's nice odd, sign me up.
5. ESPN.com - NFL star Michael Vick was indicted by a federal grand jury Tuesday on charges of sponsoring a dogfighting operation so grisly the losers either died in the pit or sometimes were electrocuted, drowned, hanged or shot.If convicted, Vick and the others -- Purnell A. Peace, Quanis L. Phillips and Tony Taylor -- could face up to six years in prison, $350,000 in fines and restitution.
Six years in prison? Fuck that. If Vick is found guilty of these charges he should spend the rest of his life in jail. I’m being dead serious. This story makes me sick to my stomach. I’m a dog guy. I think I like dogs more than human beings. It’s beyond me how anybody could stage dog fights in their house and watch them die on a regular basis. How do you electrocute a dog? You got to be some type of maniac. Clearly the entire Vick family is fucked up. They are a total waste of humanity. I hope Vick never gets to play in the NFL again and if he does I hope somebody paralyzes him. I know that seems harsh, but like I said I’m a dog guy. Michael Vick is instantly my least favorite person in sports maybe the world.
6. LUCKNOW, India --A South Korean tourist has filed a formal complaint against a monkey he says stole his reading glasses during his visit to the Hindu holy city of Varanasi in northern India. Kim Dang Hoon says he opened his hotel room window for fresh air when the monkey made his move. "He headed straight to the table where my glasses were kept and took it away," Kim said in the statement. Part of the frame later was recovered by hotel staff and Kim said he filed the report so he can make a damages claim on his travel insurance.
Well let me be the first to call "bullshit" on this story. Who the heck is this guy trying to fool? Everybody knows monkeys don't wear glasses. According to Wikipedia they're one of the most visually astute animals in the entire world. Something like 20-15 vision. Now maybe the guy has a shot of winning his claim if he said it was a dog or even a chicken who stole his glasses, two animals with notoriously poor eye sight, but when you say it was a monkey you lose all credibility.
"A monkey stole my glasses".... honestly.
Sorry dude, you're going to have to wake up PRET-TY early in the morning to slip one past The Stool.
7. NYPost.com - NEWLY sober Lindsay Lohan is afraid that nude photos taken of her by British bad boy Calum Best have been stolen by a computer hacker and will wind up on the Internet. Regarding the photos, Lohan’s rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, told Page Six, “Anything is possible.”
“Anything is possible” Have truer words ever been spoken? I mean there is nothing that Lohan could do that would surprise me at this point. Wild orgies, smuggling drugs, making out with the First Lady, it doesn’t matter anymore. And to be honest I really have no desire to see her naked anyway. Maybe if she puts out a sex tape I’ll buy it. Maybe. But seeing her naked does nothing for me. I’m pretty sure it would be a huge disappointment with her freckles bouncing all over the place anyway. Don’t get me wrong we’ll post the naked photos of her on the Stool, but we won’t be happy about it.
8. WIBV.com (Lockport, NY, July 10, 2007) - - Police are investigating an apparent sexual attack by a family pit bull on a two-year-old boy in Lockport. The boy is at Women and Children's Hospital. News 4'sLorey Schultzreports. Police say the boy was sexually assaulted in his Washburn Street home by his family's two-year-old pit bull, who had been with them since it was a puppy. Lockport Police Detective Captain Larry Eggert said, "A little boy was home with his family, and the family pit bull actually sodomized the boy." Eggert told us the boy's family members and neighbors had to beat the dog to get it off the child.
I hate when this happens. Nothing like getting raped by the family dog. And for all you wondering where the mother was when this occurred, she apparently stepped outside for a moment and that’s when “Spot” (made that name up) saw his opening. No wining and dining the kid either. Just straight up assault. The thing that really sucks for this family is now they need to move. Obviously you can’t stay in Lockport anymore. I mean how would you like to go through school being known as the kid who got raped by the dog? It doesn’t get any worse than that right?
9. SEATTLE -- A Florida man who claims Microsoft Corp.'s Xbox 360 scratches game discs has sued the company, saying the consoles are "negligently designed and manufactured." Brouwer said his Xbox 360 scratched two games, "Gears of War" and "Madden NFL 07," and that Microsoft offered to replace them for a $20 fee. He is seeking more than $5 million in damages, according to the court filing.
So this guy claims that his Xbox scratched two of his games and now he wants 5 million in damages? Umm that seems a little bit high don’t you think? I mean let’s give this guy the benefit of the doubt. One of the games was Madden 07. Best case scenario that’s worth 4 million. But you can’t tell me with a straight face that Gears of War is worth more than $100,000. And this will end up being this guy’s downfall. He may have had a chance if he just went for 4 million but instead he got greedy and went for the full five. Let this be a lesson to the kids out there. Greed doesn’t pay.
10. So I think I almost got myself beaten up at our Barstool Beach Bowl two weeks ago. In a nutshell here is what happened. My sister was at the party and came up to me as she was leaving and said she met “Broke Angry Black Man” from the Barstool Sports website. Now for all you Barstool rookies out there, basically we have a section on our website where people can leave comments, but you need to create a log in name to use the system. There is one guy who has been reading us forever and goes by the name of “Broke Angry Black Man". So anyway my sister said that he was at the party and pointed him out to me as she was leaving. She described him as the tall black guy who was wearing a straw hat. Now for anybody who was at the party we had a pretty typical racial breakdown for Boston. 92% white people 8% black people. In other words there weren’t a ton of tall black dudes wandering around in straw hats. Therefore when I saw a guy matching my sister’s exact description walking around I just assumed it was Broke Angry Black Man. So I sauntered over to him, tapped him on the shoulder and said “Broke Angry Black Man.” Small problem- it wasn’t him. Now I’m no expert on racial relations, but I’m pretty sure that 5”10” white men don’t go up to strange black men and call them Broke Angry Black Man out of the blue. Thankfully this guy didn’t pummel me into the ground because it would have been real embarrassing to get beat up at my own party. I guess the moral of the story is don’t go up to strange black guys and call them Broke Angry Black Man unless your at least 87% sure it’s the real Broke Angry Black Man. Luckily this story has a happy ending. I didn’t die.
11. So I'm talking to this guy the other night and he says to me, "Yeah, I went out again last night... I've been on 'a bender' since last Thursday." Now this was on a Wednesday, so by my count that's only 6 nights in a row, and I'm still not sold the guy was truly on a bender. I mean you can't just go around saying you're on a bender when you're not on a bender. My Buddy Who Went on a Bender After His Girlfriend Broke Up With Him drank every night till he puked for 58 straight days. And the reason I remember the number is because we made a big deal when he passed Joe D. Now that, to me, is a bender.
12. LATimes.com - Former UCLA men’s basketball coachSteve Lavinis scheduled to marryMary Jarou on August 17 at the elegant Montage Resort & Spa in Laguna Beach. Then comes today’s e-mail to his wedding guests, verified by an invitee who received it:
"Update from the Jarou/Lavin wedding headquarters in Newport Beach. "Unexpectedly we have received a stunning 95% RSVP on sent out wedding invitations. As a result, our wedding guest list has far exceeded the maximum capacity for a traditional ceremony and reception at The Montage Resort."After giving serious consideration to alternative plans we have decided the best option at this late stage is to head to Europe to create a magical wedding day."Please accept our sincere apologies for any inconveniences this change in our wedding plans may have caused you."We are sorry that we will not be able to share our big day with family and friends. We will be sure to send you photos of our wedding upon our return from Europe.
" Please confirm that you received this email.
"Thanks in advance for your understanding.
"Warm regards,
Steve & Mary"
As a rule I generally hate guys who I consider greasy used car salesman. But Steve Lavin is the exception that proves the rule. I love Lavin. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could bowl him, but I just can’t get enough of the guy. For some reason he always cracks me up. And this story just strikes me as Steve Lavin 101. “A stunning 95% RSVP rate.” It’s almost like he’s bragging and apologizing at the same time. And you got to love how he tries to smooth it over by saying he’ll send photos to everybody. Umm, not sure that’s going to cover the cost of the plane ticket that everybody already bought, but whatever. And then the coup de grace is the “Please confirm that you received this email.” In other words, don’t blame us if you show up and we’re not here. Only Steve Lavin could get away with a stunt like this.
On a totally unrelated note, what is the protocol on wedding invitations? How many people do you invite and how many do you expect? If a 95% RSVP rate is stunning, what is normal?
13. Cambridge- A diligent Harvard Square restaurant worker tied a tourniquet around his bloody penis and continued working for several hours after armed robbers stabbed him last week, police said. The 45-year-old East Boston man told police he was stabbed by two black men in their 20’s outside Z Square restaurant at 14 JFK St. on July 2.After the 3 a.m. attack, the victim — who noticed he was bleeding from the groin — ran back into the restaurant bathroom and tied a knot around his penis to stop the bleeding, police said. The victim then continued working until 5 a.m. that morning, police said. The victim finally called an ambulance after he rode the T back to his home in East Boston. A doctor at Boston Medical Center told police the victim suffered a three-inch cut to his penis.
First of all, "diligent" is a horrible word choice. Diligent? More like "f*cking insane" or "off his f*cking rocker." Listen up recent college graduates- you get stabbed in your dick, you get to leave work. That's Rule #1 of the working world. A bad cold, maybe you try to tough it out. A little stomach ache. You give it a bid if you're close to a bathroom. A gruesome hangover. Have to suck it up. But a fucking knife wound to your penis- you punch out for the day. I'm getting woozy just seeing the words "tourniquet," "bloody," and "penis" in the same sentence.
14. CBS)HOLLYWOOD, Calif. A Chewbacca impersonator is accused of sexually assaulting a Marilyn Monroe impersonator in front of the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood in June. The wookie then reportedly evaded arrest, police said. According to an officer with the LAPD, Chewbacca allegedly took the platinum-coiffed actress's hand and placed it on his private parts as the characters performed for tips from tourists.
I don’t get it. What did Chewbacca do wrong? So he put Marilyn Monroe’s hand on his dick. Big deal. It’s called acting. It’s just part of the craft. If Marilyn Monroe doesn’t want to be grabbing Chewbacca’s dong than maybe she’s not cut out to play the role of Marilyn Monroe. Did you ever think of that? Bottom line is if I’m in front of the Kodak Theatre and see Marilyn Monroe giving Chewbacca a hand job, I’m tipping at least a dollar and that’s all that matters right?
15. WHDH BOSTON -- Boston Duck Tours has ruled the city's sightseeing roost for years. But now, some competition is ruffling their feathers. Boston Duck Tours is awaiting word from a federal judge on whether or not Super Duck Tours is in the wrong with their similar name and cartoon logo. In court papers, Boston Duck Tours also alleges their customers have complained over the confusion between the two groups, with some even thinking Super Duck Tours was a new branch of the longstanding company.
Listen competition is just part of the deal in business. You didn’t hear me complain when the Boston Sports Review launched two years after we did and claimed that they were the first free sports publication in the history of Boston. Well, I guess I did say that I wanted BSR's founder dead and his house burnt to the ground, but I was just joking about that part. Actually, now that I think about it, rest assured if somebody starts a newspaper called Super Barstool Sports I will freak the fuck out. So for any of you clowns out there thinking of starting Super Barstool Sports, take a few minutes to think things over. Because I will try to kill you if I ever see a Super Barstool Sports newsrack.
16. HONG KONG (Reuters) - A Hong Kong woman who blinded her boyfriend in one eye in a fight six years ago has been jailed for jabbing a chopstick into his other eye, a newspaper reported on Wednesday.
Sorry if I’m not feeling bad for the guy who took the chop stick to the eye. He has nobody to blame but himself. It’s a well known fact that whenever a girlfriend sticks a fork in your eye and causes you to go blind you need to break up with her. It’s simple math really. One blind eye = break up. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. This guy was basically begging for a chopstick to the good eye.