Random Thoughts
1. Boston.com - Two years ago, other school systems thought it was a good idea to allow Martha's Vineyard and Nantucket trial membership in their sports leagues. Then a visiting field hockey player got seasick while crossing Vineyard Sound. A gull pooped on a softball player, and a baseball pitcher felt queasy right before a big game. In January, the nine-member South Coast Conference voted the Vineyarders out of the league without explanation, effective at the end of this season. Last fall, the 19-school Mayflower League booted Nantucket's baseball and softball teams, because the island is too far away. To play away games on the islands, mainland students leave school early, endure a shivering wait on the docks for the ferry, and then get home late on a school night. Parents fret about safety on the ferries when the weather is bad.
This story makes me sick. Sorry if road games aren’t as fun as a trip to Chucky Cheese. But here is a news flash; road games aren’t supposed to be fun and easy. They’re supposed to be a battle and challenge your character just a little bit. What do these parents want? Do they want to play every game at home in 79 degree temperatures? You didn’t hear me complaining when we had to go play Gloucester in baseball did you? It’s just part of the deal. And if you can’t handle the ferry ride than take some Dramamine and suck it up. People play hurt all the time.
As a side note, I’d love to see what the Vineyarders record is at home? I bet they're kind of like Hawaii.
2. Inside Track - T here are some things that money can’t buy - like being a fly on the wall at Oishii in the South End the other night where Super Bowl XLI MVP Peyton Manning threw down his Mastercard to treat his arch-rival, New England Patriots [ team stats ] QB/QT Tom Brady [ stats ] , to sushi and sake. The Indianapolis Colts QB, who was in Boston doing his Reebok spokesjock thang, spent nearly two hours talking trash with Tom and Pats special teams titan Larry Izzo [ stats ] before heading over to the Big Papi party at Underbar. While Tom and Larry took a pass on the party, a prepped-out Laurence Maroney [ stats ] , sporting a diamond and ruby Kool-Aid necklace, made the scene with Chad Jackson , Ben Watson [ stats ] and Lonie Paxton, who arrived early in a tricked-out Nissan monster truck. Ty Warren [ stats ], Ellis Hobbs [ stats ], Adalius Thomas, Jabar Gaffney [ stats ] and Reche Caldwell [ stats ] rounded out the pack.
First of all, how did Larry Izzo get invited on this date? Was he like the designated driver or something? Anyway, I know I shouldn’t be upset or annoyed that Peyton Manning took Tom Brady out to dinner. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am. It just doesn’t seem right. These guys will have plenty of time to shoot the breeze when they both retire. But as long as they are both arch rivals, I want Tom Brady to hate Peyton Manning as much as I do. I mean you didn’t see Bird and Magic canoodling during the offseason during the height of their rivalry did you? And what’s up with letting him pay? Only bitches let other dudes pay for them.
As a side note it’s a real shocker that Lonnie Paxton was at the Big Papi party huh? You knew he wouldn’t miss a 50 year storm.
3. Smoking Gun - APRIL 6 --A Pennsylvania high school principal is suing four ex-students for allegedly posting fake MySpace profiles that described him as a boozing, MILF-chasing swinger who thought sex with students should be legal unless "you kill them in the process." Trosch, now principal of Hermitage Middle School, claims that the online postings damaged his reputation and left him embarrassed and humiliated. The profiles portray Trosch as a pornography enthusiast who enjoys urinating in women's mouths and considers Michael Jackson his hero.
Now I don’t pretend to be a law expert, but even I know that this teacher has no case. I mean what kind of lunatic sues somebody over a fake MySpace page? You don’t see Tommy Cheeseballs from MTV True Life Jersey Shore suing people do you? Even he knows that anything goes on MySpace. It’s like the Wild Wild West. There are no rules or laws to govern it. The only way to stop somebody from posting fake MySpace pages is to kill them. And even that doesn’t work all the time.
4. BRIDGEWATER, Mass. (AP) -- Bridgewater State set NCAA Division III records for runs, hits, RBIs and victory margin Monday, routing Newbury 57-1 in seven innings. Bridgewater Statealso broke the NCAA all-divisions record for RBIs and tied the mark for hits, finishing with 54 RBIs and 44 hits. Steve Smith had seven hits, 10 RBIs and scored seven times to help Bridgewater State break the Division III records for runs and margin of victory set in Marietta's 48-0 victory over La Roche in 1999. Smith tied the record for hits in a game. The 54 RBIs broke the all-divisions mark of 53 set by Division II St. Francis of Illinois in a 1996 victory over Robert Morris. The 44 hits tied the record set by St. Francis in that 1996 game. Suffolk set the previous Division III RBI mark of 43 in a 2005 victory over Southern Vermont, and Baldwin-Wallace set the old Division III hits record of 42 in a 2002 win over Lake Erie.
Fucking Bridge Water State! Who knew that the Harvard of the South Shore had this type of killer instinct. I mean 57-1? That’s some ruthless shit. Poor Newbury (College? State? High School?) never knew what hit 'em. And I love how there was no whining after the game either. Steve Smith played all seven innings and I have no problem with that. Listen, if you can’t get the guy out, find somebody who can. Newbury got beat. End of story.
5. BostonBizJournal.com - New England auto giant Boch Toyota Inc. has filed a suit against furniture retailer Bob's Discount Furniture for using its service mark, "Come on down!"
The lawsuit, filed in the Suffolk Superior Court March 21, alleges that BDF Holdings Inc., which includes Bob's Discount Furniture LLC, "intentionally and knowingly" used the phrase "to capitalize on the commercial success of the plaintiffs' advertising."
Huh? I'm totally confused. Why would they ever steal "Come on Down?" Let's just say for a second that Bob did steal the Come On Down thing. How is that hurting Ernie Boch Jr? Is he afraid that people are going to leave their house intending to buy a new car and somehow end up at Bob's Discount Furniture and settle for a sofa?
As a side note, who do you have in a fight between Bob or Ernie Boch Jr? I think I've got to go with Bob. I'm guessing that Bob had to scratch and claw his way to the top of the used furniture business. It wouldn't shock me if he killed a couple people along the way. Meanwhile Ernie Boch Jr. was basically given his company by his dad. I'll take the guy who grew up hungry everyday of the week and twice on Sundays.
6. MORTON, Illinois (CNN) -- At 8 o'clock on a recent Saturday morning, more than 250 men gathered at New Life Christian Church in Morton, Illinois, for a breakfast of porn and pancakes.
The event, not as titillating as it sounds, is the brainchild of Craig Gross, founder of the online Christian ministry, XXXChurch.com. Gross concocted the idea of "Porn & Pancakes" as a way to get Christians and church officials to talk about pornography addiction.
A nonscientific poll on XXXChurch.com found that 70 percent of Christians admitted to struggling with porn in their daily lives.
I don’t want to knitpick here, but what exactly is a nonscientific poll? Does this mean the XXXchurch just picked a number out of thin air and went with it? Because 70% of Christians struggling with porn sounds pretty freaking high to me. I mean what does struggling with porn mean anyway? Is that like somebody who beats off 30 times a day or something? Regardless, I think it’s time that the Stool conducts our own little non scientific poll to figure out our readership numbers. Something tells me we could be going toe to toe with Maxim pretty quick.
7 Boston Globe - LOS ANGELES --An Air Force veteran has filed a federal claim after an operation at a Veterans Administration hospital in which a healthy testicle was removed instead of a potentially cancerous one. Benjamin Houghton, 47, was to have had his left testicle removed June 14 at the West Los Angeles VA Medical Center because there was a chance it could harbor cancer cells. But doctors mistakenly removed the right testicle, according to medical records and the claim, which seeks $200,000 for future care and unspecified damages. He still hasn't had the other testicle removed.
D r. Dean Norman, chief of staff for the Greater Los Angeles VA system, has formally apologized to Houghton and his wife.
Listen nobody deserves to have the wrong nut cut off. Nobody. I wouldn’t even wish that on the guys over at the Sports Review. But having said that what kind of fool gets a ball removed because there is a “chance” it could harbor cancer cells? This guy has got to be the biggest fucking pessimist in the world. I mean would it kill you to wait to see if your nut is cancerous before chopping it off? And it’s not like the hospital didn’t apologize or anything. They said they were sorry. What more do you want from them?
In all seriousness though, if I get the wrong testicle cut off by accident I’m suing for way more than 200,000 grand.
8. As most people probably noticed we used an Asian girl for our latest cover. Now let me just say from the start that I freaking love Asian chicks. They just do it for me for some reason. And apparently I'm not the only one. According to Jillian she thinks all white dudes like myself want to bang Asian chicks. Hey, I believe it. But I never really knew why until yesterday. But now I know. The following is a direct quote from Jillian;
"Asian girls are tighter because we have an extra muscle in our box"
Umm, check please!
When I heard this quote I spit my coffee across the room and I wasn't even drinking coffee. I mean this is as close as I've been to passing out since I started the Stool. An extra muscle in their vagina makes their box tighter? Are you serious? Is this a scientific fact? Can we please get our research department on this ASAP? I haven't heard anything like this since I was in college and a black guy I was buddies with claimed that the reason there weren't many black hockey players is because they had an extra bone in their back that broke every time they skated over the blue line. But at least I knew he was kidding. Jillian was 100% serious. She has muscles that white girls and El Pres only dream of.
9. Newsday - Hostile behavior is expected whenever the Islanders and Rangers clash in one of the NHL's fiercest rivalries, but now the Islanders' Ice Girls are involved. During commercial breaks, teams of three Ice Girls clean loose ice known as "snow" in the goal and the blue-painted goaltender's crease in front of the goal line. But Rangers goaltender Henrik Lundqvist declined to move and used his stick to whack the squeegee Kelli Higgins, 23, was using to push the snow into a pile during the first TV timeout, knocking the butt end of the squeegee stick into her stomach.
"I said 'Excuse me' maybe two or three times," Higgins said Wednesday. "He didn't move and didn't say anything, so I gave up and went around him.
"The tip of my squeegee kind of hit the tip of his stick. I don't know if he thought I did that on purpose or whatever, but he took a big windup and slashed the squeegee pretty good. It startled me a little bit. It didn't feel great, but I wouldn't say I was injured or in a ton of pain. I was shocked."
The Ice Girls alternate jobs, and Chanel Benson, 19, had the squeegee during the second TV timeout. This time, a linesman told her to clean around Lundqvist, 24, but not in the crease or the net. As she was leaving the ice, Benson skated near the boards in front of both benches, which are separated only by a panel of glass located at the center red line.
"All of a sudden, my back got wet," said Benson, who was wearing a standard outfit of pants and top that leaves the midriff area exposed. "I believe one of the Rangers players who was sitting along the wall spit on my back. .
Two Ice Girls then notified Tim Beach, Islanders' vice president of game operations, that Benson was crying. Beach said he saw two or three small wet spots on the back of her pants. Benson already had wiped off her exposed back.
The word "hero" is a word that I believe is totally overused in American society. But having said that, Tim Beach Islanders VP of Game Operations, the guy who stepped up and massaged the ice girls exposed back after she got spit on is a true hero in every sense of the word. I only hope that he continued his heroic actions by taking the poor ice girl into his VIP sweet and gently caressing her ass and breasts.
Anyway, onto this story. What kind of man spits or gets in a fight with a pretty girl? I mean are athletes that vain that they can just throw away a perfectly good bang option like this? It just makes no sense.
10. BANGKOK, Thailand -- Thai inmate Samson Sor Siriporn boosted her chances of freedom by beating Japan's Ayaka Miyano to win the vacant women's WBC light flyweight title at the notorious "Bangkok Hilton" prison on Tuesday.
Under the gaze of dozens of prison guards, Siriporn, a convicted drug dealer, battled through the unforgiving Thai heat to score a unanimous victory on points and kick-start parole proceedings for her early release.
Fighting in a makeshift ring in the grounds of the infamous Klong Prem prison with the Thai crowd chanting "fight, fight," Siriporn was on the attack from the start and repeatedly forced Miyano on to the ropes with a barrage of punches. Siriporn's sparring partners also watched the fight, while transvestites in high heels and skimpy outfits were allowed out of their cells to parade around the ring with placards at the beginning of each round.
Siriporn fended off a Miyano comeback in the penultimate round to outpoint her opponent 97-93, 98-92, 100-91 and become the first prisoner to win a world boxing title.
Thai corrections department chief Natti Jitsawang said Siriporn's criminal days were over and her victory would likely see her freed three years early. "I think it's very likely she will be released as a result of this victory, maybe in a couple of months. We gave her a chance to show us her talent, and she has done that.
I've always wondered whether Jean Claude Van Damme movies were based on true stories and now I think I can definitively say that the answer is yes. After all if a convicted criminal can box her way out of jail, with the security guard acting as her promoter than surely there are underground fight clubs throughout Thailand where people are fighting with glass on their hands and shit like that. My biggest question with this story is why did the Japanese boxer take this fight? I mean what were the odds she was going to win a decision at Klong Prem Prison if it went to the scorecards? Oh and what is the penultimate round? I have no clue what that means, but they need to add this round not only to boxing, but all American sports ASAP. Nothing spells excitement like a penultimate round of anything. Just saying it gets me fired up.
11. NEW ORLEANS (April 4) - Five fifth-grade students face criminal charges after authorities said four of them had sex in front of other students in an unsupervised classroom and kept a classmate posted as a lookout for teachers. Two 11-year-old girls, a 12-year-old boy and a 13-year old boy have been charged with obscenity for allegedly having sex in an unsupervised classroom in front of other students. An 11-year-old boy, the alleged lookout, was charged with being an accessory.
"When no teacher showed up, the four began to have sex in the classroom with the other elementary students in the classroom with them," he said.
What the fuck? Kids are banging now and having orgies in the 5th grade? Are you shitting me? What happened to 4 square and making gimp bracelets? Back in my day if a girl was frenching in the 5th grade she was the school slut. This story is disgusting. All I can say is that if I have any daughters they are wearing chastity belts until at least 17 or 18 years old. They'll be no fucking on my watch unless I have boys, in which case I want them banging by kindergarten.