I Am So Psyched For Lindsay Lohan's Upcoming Death
There's no better way to wile away the lazy summer days than eagerly anticipating the announcement that a young starlet has suffered a massive drug overdose and died. Just sitting around, sipping an ice cold beer, enjoying the sun and wondering whether it will be a straight drug overdose that does Lindsay Lohan in or something more spectacular like an erotic asphyxiation gone bad or being eaten alive by ants.
So much anticipation! It's like Christmas Eve except instead it's the Grim Reaper that will be making my morning so special.
Dear Grim Reaper,
All I want this summer is for Lindsay Lohan to die in a freak lesbian orgy accident. Thanks.
Mike
Is it wrong for me to be excited about someone's impending death when that someone happens to be Lindsay Lohan?
In a word, no.
Rooting for Lohan's demise is as American as Mom and apple pie. If you're not rooting for Lohan's last acting role to be as a stiff on CSI, then you're letting the terrorists win.
It's not that I have something against Lindsay. I would love to hang out with her- it's all boobs, drugs and random sex. And that's just when you meet her mom. There are few things in life that are guaranteed to be as good as you believe. Your first time having sex sucks. Any graduation ceremony or subsequent post-graduation activities suck. Your first job sucks.
But hanging out with Lindsay Lohan- that's all it's cracked up to be. I have absolutely no way of knowing that for sure but I've also never looked down at earth from space. But I'm pretty sure that that is also a kickass experience that lives up to the hype. You don't need to go to outer space to know that it would an experience that lives up to your grandest expectations. Just as you don't need to hang out with Lohan to know that it would be just as terrifyingly exciting as you imagined.
Hanging out with Lohan must be like giving Moses the finger while getting a blowjob. It's a constant rush- and there are probably plenty of blowjobs- but the whole time you just know that you're picking a fight with God. Five minutes with Lohan probably gets you on some sort of FBI watch list. Fifteen minutes with Lohan is probably a crime against humanity. And if you spend the night with Lohan, you're pretty much condemning yourself to an eternity of fiery damnation.
But as great as partying with Lohan sounds, her death is more exciting.
Because at this point, Lohan is such a magnificent trainwreck that really you can't come up with a scenario involving her death that isn't plausible.
She could well die in a hail of bullets in retaliation for Tupac's death. She could pass out on a runway at LAX and get cut in half by a landing 747. She could be in a drugged-out haze and jump into a cement mixer. She could die trying to break Paris Hilton out of jail.
Honestly, if you woke up tomorrow and heard that Lindsay Lohan had been murdered by the KGB, would you even blink?
She's one of the most famous celebrities in the world and there isn't anyone anywhere that would be shocked by her death. Think people were upset by the way The Sopranos ended? Just wait until Lohan dies from something mundane like alcohol poisoning. Then you'll see some real fan anger. We've watched Lindsay for years. We haven't missed an episode. We took the time to know all the characters- her nutjob parents, her hopeless siblings, her celebrity friends, Paris and Brandon Davis. We've invested a lot. As fans, we deserve to get a proper ending to the Lohan show.
If she somehow survives her 20's and grows up into some nondescript working actress, how disappointed will you be? What a waste of time.
We'll have Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson and plenty of other 20-something starlets to ogle over the next few decades; we don't need Lohan. By the time she's 30, Lohan will be so washed-up, so gross, so infected, so used that we won't even notice her death.
But if she dies soon- which is a safer bet than Roger Clemens pulling his groin later this summer- it will so much fun because you just know it will live up to the hype. Before the rehab. Before some mother-hen celebrity takes her under her wing and straightens her out. Before her parents are both locked up.
Stop living and get busy dying, Lindsay.
A free-falling Lohan death- unbeatable. Forget all the summer movie blockbusters. Forget the Red Sox marching towards the pennant. Forget counting down Hayden Panettiere's 21st birthday. The highlight of Summer 2007 will be Lindsay Lohan's tragic death.
Rooting for the most ridiculous Lindsay Lohan death imaginable- it's what hot this summer.