El Presidente's New Years Resolutions
This is our last issue of the year here at Barstool Sports. And of course that means only one thing. It’s time for El Presidente’s New Years resolutions.
- Fix the driver’s side door of my Astrovan
I’d say it’s been about a full year since the door of my astrovan worked. And by worked I mean closed. I actually brought it to a mechanic about six months ago but they told me I needed to take it to an auto body shop to get it fixed. Obviously they didn’t realize that I couldn’t afford that type of repair work on a paperboy’s salary. So I just decided to live with the fact that the door doesn’t shut. Don’t worry I hold it with my hand when I drive so it doesn’t fly open on the highway. But that doesn’t stop people from constantly beeping at me and telling me that it isn’t shut. I know everybody is just trying to help, but for some reason it still pisses me off. Just mind your own business and let me deliver the papers. Regardless, I think it’s time to get the thing fixed. Not because I’m afraid of falling out or anything like that, but I feel like the next time I get pulled over on RT 18, the Weymouth “teenage” cops are going to hit me with like 93 violations for my car not being up to code. And the last thing I want to do is have to go to another all day drivers Ed class to keep my license.
Actual likelihood Of Happening – 25%
There are a couple major factors working against this resolution coming to fruition. First of all, I’m afraid that the second I get this thing fixed the Astrovan is going to conk out and I’m going to be shopping on Craigslist for a new one. Therefore, I don’t feel like wasting money on a van that’s on its last legs. And another equally compelling factor against fixing the side door is that I don’t know where any auto body shops are in Abington and I’m too lazy to look them up.
2. Get Commercial License Plates
Sticking with my Astrovan, I’ve been meaning to get commercial plates on my baby for like 2 years now. It just makes no sense not to have them. I mean whoever invented the concept of commercial license plates had to have me in mind when they did. Whenever I’m doing my paper route I always park in commercial spots. And despite the fact that I’m only out of the car for a couple minutes at a time I always manage to pick up a couple tickets for my trouble. In fact, I’ve almost come to believe that a meter maid lives in the back of my astrovan. There is so much junk back there, I’d never know if she did. Heck there could be a whole city of them back there. Regardless, it’s just plain dumb that I don’t have commercial plates yet. It would save me a ton of money plus I’d love to have Barstool Sports painted on the side of the Astrovan. I think it would add a ton of class to my whole operation. And then when I drove down the street people would look and they would say there goes El Presidente, the best paper boy there ever was in this game.
Actual likelihood Of Happening – 85%
It just makes no sense for me not to do this. The only reason why it’s not 100% is because I don’t know what I have to do to make this happen. I don’t think it takes too much so I’m not worried, but if there is a lot of paperwork involved this could drastically affect those odds. I’m not a big paperwork guy.
3. Fix the Fucking Website
The head honchos at Barstool Sports are convinced that our website is a potential goldmine waiting to happen. Personally I think it’s the best thing we do at the Stool. Don’t get me wrong I love the newspaper, but it’s just so much easier to be funny with all the random pictures and You Tubes and other weird crap (porn) that you can post on a blog. In other words, if you have a set of balls and you’re not visiting our website yet then it’s hard for me to respect you as a man. However having said all that, I think rule #1 to having a big time website is that it needs to work. And to be honest, I’m not sure we’ve mastered that concept yet. Over the past few months our website has crashed like five times. And every time it’s because of our dumb ass web hosting company in California. I swear to god they are seeing how far they can push me until I buy a plane ticket and go postal on their asses. So a major priority for the New Year is to switch web hosting companies. I just feel like the next time my website goes down, I want to be able to sit in the lobby of my web hosting company until the problem is fixed. I feel like if they see how bad I freak out when my website is broken, maybe it will light a fire under their asses.
Actual likelihood Of Happening – 110%
The wheels of change are already in motion with this one. I’ll be damned if I let Start Logic stick it to me in 2007 like they did in 2006. It’s takes a lot to get me motivated, but consistently wrecking my website is one of them.
4. Build a Financial Plan
One of the most common questions I get asked regarding the Stool is “what my plan is”. My response is generally something along the lines of “Do you mean what are my plans for tonight?” Honestly, I’ve been so caught up in the day to day shit that comes with running a multiinternational publishing empire, that I haven’t really thought about how I’m going to get out of debt and actually move out of Abington. Don’t get me wrong; The Stool was profitable this year. In fact 2006 was a banner year for us, but you wouldn’t know it by my bank account. I just have a mishmash of bills, expenses and invoices that all blend together. And like any good businessman, I combine my personal expenses with my business expenses so it’s almost impossible to figure out what’s going on. The First Lady (my financial advisor) has instructed me that I need to create some sort of financial plan and start saving money. It sounds like a good idea so I think I’m going to do that this year. This is also good news for our writers because maybe I can budget in a couple cents for them as well. No promises on that one though.
Actual likelihood Of Happening – 38%
I hate doing things that aren’t absolutely necessary. A big factor will be how much my financial advisor gets on my ass about getting this done.
5. Start Working Out
I’m going to be 30 years old on March 22nd. I haven’t worked out since I started Barstool Sports 3 years ago. To say that I’m out of shape is one of the great understatements of our generation. And I’m talking both physical and cardiovascular. I got them both covered. In fact, the other night I was breathing heavy at trivia. That can’t be a good sign. On the bright side, I’ve been promising the First Lady (My Personal Trainer) that I plan on starting to work out every week now going on two years. And at some point I’d like to give it a whirl and 2007 seems as good a time as any. Also, I feel like the clock is ticking on how long I can actually still work out and look like I work out. I feel like once you hit 40 you can hit the gym as much as you want, but nobody will be able to tell. And what’s the point of that? I think being in cardiovascular shape is over rated. Who cares if you can’t breath good or catch your wind? I better fucking look good if I’m going to go the gym or else there is absolutely no way I’m going.
Actual likelihood Of Happening – 62%
The only reason it is this high is because I feel fat.
6. Hit the Nightlife Scene More
I’ll let you know right off the bat that this is a tough one. I’m not exactly dying to go out on the town anymore than I already do. I mean it’s not like I’m looking to bring chicks home because The First Lady frowns upon threesomes. But I always feel guilty when I’m sitting home at night because I feel like I should be schmoozing it up somewhere trying to get more ads for the paper. I mean somewhere in a crowded Boston bar, Ernie Boch Jr. is drinking alone. And I know he is just waiting for me to bump into him and sign a huge contract with us. If not Ernie Boch Jr then at the very least a couple liquor company representatives. I just feel like when I’m sitting home eating 3 bags of microwave popcorn and watching reality TV, I could be doing something more productive with my time.
Actual likelihood Of Happening – 14%
Let’s not forget that I live in Abington. Unless I plan on going to the Abington Ale House 3 times a week, I don’t see myself consistently driving into Boston when I don’t have to be there.
7. Get Some Young Naïve (potentially hot) Interns
The Stool needs some interns and as an FYI, hot chicks get total preference. I’m not sure if this hiring process is legal or not, but frankly I don’t give a fuck. And if no little college hotties want to work for us, we’ll take dudes. I got to think that in a college town like Boston, finding interns should be like taking candy from a baby. We need people to help with our photo shoots, promote and attend our parties, hang out with hot girls and write about sports. Hmm, seems like a decent job description. So if there are any eager beavers who have their heart set on getting me my Dunkin Donuts Great One every morning, I highly suggest getting in contact with us. We’re building an army over here and we need a few good men for the front lines.
Actual likelihood Of Happening – 78%
I really can’t imagine that this is going to be that tough. In fact I’d be surprised if we didn’t have dudes breaking down our door for this job. The only slight catch is getting all the schools to know that the opportunity exists. But that can’t be that hard right?
8. Eliminate Typos
If I had to pick the most consistent and #1 complaint in the history of Barstool Sports it has to be the fact that we have so many grammatical errors in both the newspaper and website. The facts are that I’ve always taken a very light stance on typos. This has been our “Manny being Manny” issue. It’s just the “Stool being the Stool”. I’ve always said that until we can afford to hire a full time editor people are just going to have to deal with it or stop reading. Well I think the time has come to try and step up our game. While we’re not in a position to hire a full time editor yet, I think simple steps like spell check and figuring out the difference between “than” and “then” will make a huge difference. So look for a new and improved Barstool Sports in 2007.
Actual likelihood Of Happening – 0%
Let’s not kid ourselves. El Presidente doesn’t give a flying fuck about typos.
9. Facebook Baby
I feel like we conquered Myspace in 2006. I mean if you’re a hot chick in Boston you’re probably fighting for a space in our top 16. But Facebook is a totally different story. Facebook is still like the Wild West for us. It’s just a totally untapped frontier. And I just know in my heart of hearts that there are thousands of college girls who would love to strip down to their skivvies for the Stool. If we build it, they will come. So if the Stool doesn’t have a large Facebook presence by the end of this year I may have to fire myself as President of the Stool.
Actual likelihood Of Happening – 100%
If Facebook is anything like Myspace we’d be nuts not to throw our hat in the ring.