2006 Porn Wish List

Every publication comes out with their annual Sexiest Celebrity List.  For example, Esquire Magazine recently named Jessica Biel the Sexiest Woman Alive.   People Magazine just named George Clooney the Sexiest Man Alive.    So my question is what kind of publisher would I be if the Stool didn’t come out with our own sexiest celebrity list?  The answer is that I wouldn’t be a very good one.  Therefore, I’m proud to announce our first annual list of celebrities I’d most like to see in a porn movie.  Now just for the record, in order to be considered for this illustrious award, you need to be a legitimate celebrity.  If 80% of the male population has no idea who you are than you’re not eligible.  If I’ve never seen you on a TV Show, in a movie, or in the gossip pages then you don’t count.    So without further ado here is our 2006 Porn Wish List.   (PWL for short)

19 – Amanda Beard

I love athletes.  Amanda Beard was named the world’s sexiest athlete by FHM and I have no problem with this choice.  I still have a vision of Amanda Beard burned into my head from the Olympics when Bob Costas interviewed her right before she was getting ready to hit the clubs.  She was wearing this tight little black outfit that left nothing to the imagination.  And the thing about world class female athletes is that they always seem so serious.  Don’t you wonder what they are like when they let their hair down?  Is Beard a freak?  Is she boring?  Has she ever worn her medals during sex?  I honestly have no idea. The only thing that I can promise is that she’d have the absolute best body of anybody on this list.  I mean it’s perfect.  Plus, wouldn’t it make watching women’s swimming much more interesting if you had seen her in a porno?

18. Kristin Kreuk

There are going to be two types of reactions with this one.  There are going to be the veteran Stoolies who don’t even blink because they know that I’ve had a crush on her for years and then there are going to be the people who have no clue who she is.  For the clueless Stoolies out there, Kristin Kreuk is the chick from Smalleville and the Noxzema commercials.  Truth be told, if I did this list two years ago, she may have been #1.   But she has been slipping for me lately.  And frankly, she probably wouldn’t have even made this list if it weren’t for the fact I’ve been infatuated with her for so long it just didn’t seem right not to include her in this inaugural competition.  It would be like having the first Wrestlemania without Hulk Hogan.

17. Ali Larter

I’ll admit that I had to look up this chick’s name.  But this is the whipped cream girl from Varsity Blues and more recently the slutty chick from Heroes.   Here is the thing about Ali Larter; every time I see her she’s either about to have sex or is simulating having sex.  I mean I almost thought she was going to get naked on NBC a couple weeks ago. It actually wouldn’t shock me if she already starred in a porno and I just don’t know about it.  But the bottom-line is that it’s either put up or shut up time for Ali Larter.   

16. Anna Benson

Speaking of put up or shut up time, it’s time for this former stripper and wife of MLB pitcher Kris Benson to step to the plate. Anna Benson never shuts up about sex.  She’s said everything from wanting to have sex in every MLB stadium to saying she’d sleep with every player on Kris’s team if she ever found out he cheated on her.  Everything about Anna Benson drips sex. The perfect porno would be some dude in a Meet the Met costume yelling at her for forcing the Mets to trade Kris to Orioles while he banged her.

15.  Shakira

It’s not that I think Shakira is super hot or anything like that, but there is no doubt she can move.   Every one of her music videos features at least 5 minutes of intense hip shaking and ass gyrations. You can’t tell me there is a straight male in the universe that isn’t impressed by that. Plus, I kind of dig her accent.  If I were directing Shakira’s porn I’d just turn on one her songs, sit back and let her take over.  As a side note, my buddy Elio claims he danced with her on Spring Break before she was huge.  I highly doubt this is true.

14. Erin Andrews

Erin Andrews of course is the sideline reporter for ESPN.  Not only is she really hot, but I feel like football would be more fun if every time you saw her you could crack jokes about the porn movie she was in.   And you definitely need to have her triple teamed by three guys playing the role of Herbstreit, Lee Corso and Chris Fowler.  Although if the rumors are true, you could have Herbstreit play himself and just sneak a camera in their hotel room.

13. Leeann Tweeden

Not only is Leeann Tweeden hot, but because I met her at our 25 Sexiest White Party at Waterworks she is even hotter. I feel like I need to give brownie points to anybody who I’ve met in person.  That way when you’re watching the porn, you can brag to your buddies that you met her.  

12. Nelly Furtado

What is going on with Nelly Furtado?  One second she is singing about butterflies and baby powder and the next second she’s trying to get laid by Timberland in her music video. Heck, the name of her latest album is “Loose” and has songs titled Promiscuous Girl and Maneaters. Okay, I’ll admit that I’m intrigued.  I want to see if she is as bad as she claims she is now.  You want to be taken seriously as a sex symbol?  Well step up and prove it with a little sex tape action.

11. Mandy Moore

Speaking of girls with squeaky clean images, I’m not buying it with Mandy Moore.  She definitely puts on an act.   My money is on Mandy Moore being one of these quiet, pretty shy girls who is an absolute animal in bed.  You just can’t fight nature whatever that means.

10. Kristin Cavellari

This of course was the star of the first season of Laguna Beach.  And aside from Amanda Beard, I’d put her body up against anybody’s on this list so far.  The key to making this porn work would be to have plenty of alcohol in the green room.  I feel like once you get a little booze in Kristin anything goes.  And I also feel like she’d be a great porn star.  She’s so desperate to break into Hollywood that all you got to do is put a camera on her and she’ll try and put on an Oscar winning performance.   An added bonus would be to have Steven getting in Kristin’s face screaming “Slut! Slut!” during the video. (Added Stoolie points to people who got that last joke)

9. Maria Menounos

Menounos gets big points for being a local girl.  She also gets big points for being ridiculously hot.  I feel like Boston kind of gets a bad rap for having no hot chicks.  And while we may not be LA, Miami or NYC we still have our fair share of smoke shows.  If Menounos would just agree to do a porno this could be our way to plant a flag in the ground.  Whenever somebody said Boston was an ugly city we’d just direct them to watch “Mayor Menounos does Boston”. As a side note, that may be the best title of all time.

8. Rachel McAdams

Okay, now we’re getting into BCS territory.  All of these ladies have a legitimate argument to be #1 in the country this year.  Rachel McAdams is becoming my new “it” girl.   I’m a fan of whatever she does.  If you put her in a teenage comedy like Mean Girls, I’ll watch it.  If you put her in girlie movie like The Notebook, I’ll watch it.   If you put her in a comedy like Wedding Crashers, I’ll watch it.  If you put her in a lame thriller like Red Eye, I’ll watch it.   If you put her on the View, I’ll watch it.   And as far as I know she’s like the most wholesome chick on the entire planet.  She seems like the type of girl that you’d want to take home to mom.  It almost seems good to be true.   I’d love to know what she’s like in the sack.  I’d want her to be good, but not too good if you know what I mean.

 7. Hazel Mae

This one is kind of a no brainer in my opinion.   I mean Hazel Mae is everywhere lately.   And I feel like public opinion is pretty well divided on her.  We have some people who think she’s average looking at best and then we have people like me who think she’s a smoke show.  (Hazel, you have an open invitation to do our cover if you want.) Anyway, I feel like if we could just get her to appear in a porno everybody would agree with me that she’s hot.   Also I feel like Hazel Mae is the perfect porn star name.  It would almost be a shame if she didn’t get involved in the industry.   And naturally you’d need to have the guys in the movie play different Boston Sports figures.   Like I said, it’s a no brainer.   And if she won’t do it than maybe Kelly the Ball Girl will?  Or how about Kelly the Ball Girl and Hazel Mae together?   Sometimes I even surprise myself with my brilliant ideas.

6. Anna Kournikova

If I had to guess who was the biggest bitch on this list I think I’d vote for Anna Kournikova.  I just feel like she’s always pouting and thinks she’s better than everybody else.  Not to mention the fact that I don’t think I’ve ever seen her smile.  In my humble opinion, the best way to knock somebody like that off their pedestal is by saying you saw them in a porno.  I mean it’s impossible to act snooty when you’ve been in a porn before.  

5. Carrie Underwood

I had to sneak an American Idol star on this list. Carrie Underwood is blazing hot. She followed my advice from American Idol and dropped the extra 10-15 lbs that she was carrying and transformed herself into a legitimate sex symbol.  Did people see her during the halftime show of the Cowboys game?  She was hotter than 99% of the Cowboy cheerleaders.  And she was wearing these huge hooker boots which basically screamed porn.  As a side note how old is Carrie Underwood?  I hope she’s at least 18.  If anybody on my list happens to be under 18 I don’t even want to know about it.

4. Scarlett Johansson

This was FHM’s choice for World’s Sexiest Woman and I have no problem with it.   And while Scarlett is definitely hot, I think it’s the way she carries herself that puts her over the edge.  I mean she knows that she has arguably the best breasts in the world and always makes a point to show them off.  Also, I feel like the last two movies I’ve seen her in she’s played the mistress who is f-cking other people’s boyfriends.  These types of roles obviously lend to a starring role in a porno.  And I’d be lying if I said the rumor of her getting caught giving a blowjob to a coworker on tape didn’t sway the selection committee.

3. Jessica Biel

Everybody knows that I’m a huge Jessica Biel fan.  I didn’t need Esquire Magazine to tell me that she was the Sexiest Woman Alive.  I’ve been driving that bandwagon ever since I saw her at the Joshua Tree in Somerville 6 years ago.   And then her spread in Gear Magazine sealed the deal for me.   But beyond her freakish good looks and the fact that I met her, there is another huge reason why I’d love to see her in a porn.  She is currently dating Derek Jeter and we all know that Derek Jeter would shit himself if his girlfriend was in a porno. The only negative of Biel starring in a porn is that you know all the Tufts wack jobs would come out of the woodwork saying they taught Biel this move and that. 

2. Angelina Jolie

How old is Angelina Jolie?  How long can she be on this list?  I feel like she could be 65 and I’d still want to see her in a porno   And of all the people on this list, I think she’s probably the most realistic to ever appear in one.  In fact, I’d be kind of stunned if she didn’t come out with a sex tape at some point in time.  She can do all the peace work she wants in Bamboolini and she can adopt as many children as she wants, but the bottom-line is that she is a flat out freak.  You just don’t brag about f-cking Billy Bob Thornton in the back seat of the limo on the way to the Oscars in front of your dad unless you are in the porn business.  You just don’t. 

1. Stacey Kiebler

I’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m an ass man.  And as far as asses and legs go nobody can hold a candle to Stacey Kiebler.  I feel like her legs are 8 feet long.   Plus, she’s kind of been teasing us with her whole WWE routine for the past 5 years or so.   I mean she’s was always sticking her ass in the camera or getting her clothes ripped off and shit like that.  Now I feel like she is trying to go big time on us with a real acting career.  Please.  Give it a rest and do what you were born to do.  Anytime there is a youtube of you in a spring break bikini contest floating around the internet I think it’s safe to say that porn is your true natural calling. 

So there you have it.   The 1^st ever Barstool Sports Porn Wish List.    My only question is whether Stacey Kiebler is going to come to our office (my apartment) to accept the award.