New England Independence
In my 28 short years, I’ve been to a lot of 4th of July celebrations in a lot of different places around the country. Rarely have I had a bad time on the 4th, but I have found that they are a bit repetitive. Regardless of the locale, a core set of elements are usually present. You’ve got the “Four Fs” – food, fireworks, family, and friends. And depending on the crowd, you may also have the “Three A’s’ – Alcohol, Aggression, and Ambulances. It’s pretty much the same everywhere I’ve been.
However, the 4th of July celebrations I’ve attended in New England some how are in a league of their own. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve become more observant in my recent years, or it truly is a spectacle to behold. Either way, the New England Independence Day is a concept many regions can grasp, but few can replicate. After all, we're talking about the cradle of the American Revolution here. What I've found is that the more American the holiday, the more raucous the behavior and the more dangerous simple activities like walking along the beach can become, especially when you put high-powered fireworks in the hands of average, uneducated men.
But alas, I embrace the tradition, the culture, the revelry, the bad haircuts, all that is a part of this magical celebration. It makes you see things in different lights. For example, there’s a strange serenity in seeing a guy in a tank top holding his toddler in one hand while lighting a high powered bottle rocket with the cigarette in his other hand. I can’t explain it, but you know what I’m talking about if you’ve witnessed similar acts. And so what if that guy in full red, white, and blue body paint, screaming “God Bless America” is the same guy you saw on the local news the other night saying “we need to git all the A-Rabs outta this great country before we git another terrist attack.” Embrace him and all that is America. I embraced my heritage this past holiday weekend and decided it was unfair to keep it to myself. So, without further ado, here is one man's experience and observations of a New England 4th of July, in no particular order:
1. When the kids in your beach group outnumber the adults, it's time to hang up the gangsta rap and backwards caps. Wean yourself off of it in the privacy of your own garage or tricked out Honda, do what you gotta do, but don't let those kids follow those footsteps.
2. There are few sights more precious than that of a mother applying sun block to her giggling toddler while smoking a butt.
3. Worn with the appropriate shorts and footwear, air-brushed tee shirts can actually be quite becoming.
4. Showering outdoors, albeit in a bathing suit, in plain sight of heavy set men with tattoos is the closest this guy plans on getting to prison-bathing.
5. It takes a strong man to wear a mullet. It takes an even stronger woman to follow suit.
6. Held up in traffic due to a street fight is a perfectly legitimate excuse for being late to anything.
7. Sleeveless = better
8. White trash and fireworks may be as natural a combination as cookies and milk; however the former is much more satisfying when one or more accidentally catch on fire.
9. Question of the day - Are bandanas back, or were they ever gone to begin with?
10. If you haven't had Pier Fries, you haven't lived.
11. Apparently, the most effective method of picking up chicks these days is to leer at them intently from afar and then say, 'Sup?' when they pass within earshot. Simple, yet brilliant.
12. A wrap-around sunglass tan line under black lights is so money.
13. Being "walked away from" on the dance floor at Club Galaxy is a new low in my life.
14. My car antenna got snapped off while parked on the Old Orchard Beach “Strip.” No punch line here - that actually happened.
There you have it. One man's New England Independence Day experience. Can't wait to do it again next year.