Mercury Morris: Bitter, Old Douchebag or Bitter, Old Douchebag Being Taken Advantage Of By ESPN?
Mercury Morris is the worst type of old person. Opinionated. Long-winded. Depressingly gaunt. Below average rapper. And refuses to just accept the fact that the poorly conditioned, cocaine addicted, laughably undersized members of the 1972 Dolphins are absolutely, positively, without question no match for the 2007 Patriots- or virtually any other modern NFL team.
Morris and Larry Csonka and Larry Little and many of the undefeated Dolphins were talented players for their time period. But being a good football player in 1972 doesn't necessarily make you a good football player- or even good enough to play in the NFL- in 2007. At some point, simple physics come into play.
Little is in the Hall of Fame and was selected to the Pro Bowl five times. His Hall of Fame bio uses words like "powerful," "intimidating," and "awesome" to describe his play as an offensive lineman. Today, if Little was a NFL Draft prospect he would be described as "undersized," "tweener," and "possible special teams contributor." The guy was 6' 1" and 265 pounds. That's Tedy Bruschi. Essentially, Mercury Morris' contention is the 1972 Dolphins, whose best lineman measures up to undersized 2007 linebacker Tedy Bruschi, could compete in today's NFL.
Freebasing coke definitely doesn't have any long-term impact on cognitive functioning. None at all.
What 2007 Patriot defender gets dominated by a 1972 Little or his teammate and fellow Hall of Famer, center Jim Langer, who went 6' 2", 250? Ty Warren, Vince Wilfork, Richard Seymour, Mike Vrabel, Adalius Thomas and basically anyone Bill Belichick puts onto the field is bigger and stronger and more explosive than Little and Langer.
Hell, give 2007 Pats punter Curtis Hanson a few weeks of fast food and it's a good bet he could bulk up his 6' 2", 202 frame and get to be Langer's size. Miami's current punter, Brandon Fields, goes 6' 5", 236. If he had been playing in 1972, he would now be known as Hall of Fame offensive tackle Brandon Fields.
I may not be the football expert Mercury Morris is but generally I think it's safe to say that a football team performs best when its offensive and defensive linemen aren't smaller than the other team's punter.
So, we can all agree that Morris is an old, bitter, desperate to cling to the spotlight douchebag who doesn't have the slightest idea of what he's talking about.
Then can someone explain to me why ESPN keeps paying to fly this senile old bastard up to Bristol every weekend?
On air, Morris gets your attention- in the same way a car crash does on the highway. Watching Morris rap on ESPN is somewhat morbid. There is such a palpable sense of desperation whenever Morris is on the air. It's like some homeless guy stumbled into the studio and the SportsCenter producers said to themselves "Shit, this is guy is fucking hysterical. We have to clean this poor bastard up and record some of the crazy shit he keeps talking about so we can make sure we have this to play at the Christmas party."
When Morris appeared with fellow '72 bitter bastard Bob Griese, it was clear watching from home that Griese pitied Morris. With good reason- Morris is a pretty pitiable character. Drug addict. Drug trafficker. Broken down physically. Legend in his own mind.
I want to despise Morris and pray for him to die one minute after the Patriots complete their perfect season and shatter his will to live. But I also can't help but think ESPN is taking advantage of Morris. It's clear the guy will do anything to get on camera. And it's just as clear Morris is fully aware that once the Patriots finish their perfect season, he won't matter anymore. Maybe he'll be invited to some Dolphins games and get a free lunch but beyond that what awaits Mercury when he can no longer lay claim to being a member of the NFL's only perfect team?
Every game the Patriots win on their inevitable march to a perfect season, Morris gets another step closer to what every former athlete fears above all else- irrelevance. Morris' phone isn't going to ring in 2008 or 2009 or whenever another NFL team is threatening to join the Dolphins and Patriots as the only undefeated teams in NFL history. Those media calls will go to Bruschi and Rodney Harrison and Tom Brady and the Lonnie Paxton's of the world.
If Morris' eventual death even gets more than the ESPN ticker treatment, I'll be surprised. All he has is the 1972 Dolphins.
Mercury Morris is old and sad and, frankly, pathetic. And it's time ESPN stopped taking advantage of his desperation and kept this broken down old man off the air. Let the poor guy fade into oblivion already.
Peter Powers