MBTA S.A.T
You’ve got your blood, sweat, tears, and maybe a few teeth scattered along the floors of the MBTA. But you take it, through no choice of your own, each and every painstaking day, to and from your cube-filled hellhole known as “work”. And today, when it’s 85 and sunny - just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, now you’re going to be tested on it.
Let’s see how well you’ve been paying attention at 8:45 on a Friday morning, hungover like David Wells before a big game. Are you a keen observer, or a simple zombie with a cup of coffee? We shall see.
You have 5 minutes to complete the exam. Good luck.
Section I – Multiple Choice
1. Classic dilemma: Park Street – Red Line. You have the choice of two cars. Car 1 is completely jammed but has a pack of 15 smoking-hot, Barstool cover model type-looking girls. You have a 0% chance of sitting down for your entire 10 minute ride to Harvard.
Car 2 is much less crowded, but with no one even close to being attractive. Street people, janitors and juvenile delinquents occupy the majority of the seats, but, you are guaranteed a seat for you’re entire trip. Which car do you board? (Note: Your feet are absolutely killing you.)
A. Car 1, you don’t normally come into contact with this many hot girls.
B. Car 2, sitting down trumps everything, especially when your feet hurt.
2. Which of the following would be the MOST excruciatingly awkward situation on an MBTA car?
A. A mentally disturbed obese woman grinding “hardcore” Dance 360-style with a metal handrail.
B. Soccer mom talking to her child about constipation.
C. 90 year old lady uncontrollably popping bubble-wrap.
D. A disobedient seeing-eye dog blatantly ignoring the commands of his all too frustrated master.
Section II – True/False
3. Peering intently down an empty tunnel helps in facilitating the arrival of the train you’ve been waiting for.
A. True
B. False
Section III – Critical Thinking
4. Orange Line, 7 p.m. on a Friday night. You’re on an outbound train approaching your final destination of Stony Brook, for a 2nd date with a chick who you’re 90% sure wants to bang and 100% sure is bisexual. The car is scarcely populated, with you and 6 other quasi-street people. 30 seconds before your stop, you see a man drop dead across the aisle. After surveying the car, you quickly realize you’re the only one remotely qualified to save the man’s life. What should you do?
A. Rush over and initiate CPR, mouth to mouth, and any other life-saving techniques you learned in high school. A human life is more important than a date.
B. Pull a “Hasselhoff” and PRETEND to initiate CPR, mouth to mouth, and any other life-saving techniques you learned in high school. The man will surely die, but at least you simulated a rescue, for your own conscience.
C. Knock on the conductor door just 2 feet to your left to notify a T official of the incident. If you do this though, there’s a 50% chance you could be stuck there all night, thus jeopardizing the date.
D. Wait 30 seconds for the Stony Brook stop, don’t say a word and bolt out the door singing the Baywatch “I’ll Be There” theme.
5. Bus 69 down Cambridge Street, 9:30 a.m. Monday morning. A woman in the front row of the bus questions the driver’s intelligence after running a red light that nearly kills everyone on board. The bus driver then proceeds to stop the bus, pull over, calls the woman “a mother f’ing c*nt”, then threatens to kick her off the bus. Predictably, a fight breaks out between the two. It is heated, but awkward because of the gender gap. Then all of sudden they stop punching, and instead begin just screaming at each other, cursing at least every other word. The rest of the bus is completely motionless. What do you do? (Note: you’re ½ mile from work.)
A. Jokingly ring bell in an attempt to relieve tension.
B. “Tippie-toe, tippie-toe” down the aisle, say “pardon me” as you tap each of them on their respective shoulders and walk out the door.
C. Go “Duke boys” and exit the bus through the window.
D. Don’t say a word; continue to stare into space and question your existence on the planet.
Section IV – Essay
6. The Wednesday morning Mexican guitar player at Park Street, known to commuters as “Guantanamera Guy”, has recently gone from an old acoustic guitar, to a new set-up complete with speakers and an amplifier. Question - Will this radical change have the same impact as Dylan “going electric” at the 1962 Newport Folk Festival or will Guantanamera Guy’s “el switcharoo” have little to no effect on the musicians of the T? Explain.
7. Its Monday night during rush hour. You’ve printed a copy of tonight’s racing program from Evangeline Downs and are attempting to handicap the Late Pick 3 on the Red Line. Sitting next to you is an unbelievably annoying middle-aged woman playing video games on her cell phone. You feel bad, you think she’s mentally disturbed, but really want to hit tonight’s Pick 3. Explain, in detail, the best way to keep your concentration and pick a winner, without violating her space, or the law.
Section V - Final Question
8. Its Wednesday morning, and per usual, you grab your trusty copy of Barstool Sports on your way to work. Also per usual is a stunningly gorgeous girl on the cover, wearing nothing but a white hot bikini and a Sox hat. You want to read/gawk at the paper very badly, but, are too embarrassed to be seen with borderline porn on the Green Line. What do you do?
A. Take quick glances at the Model/Bartender/Ms. Barstool pages before entering the train, then cleverly fold up Stool into 8ths, and save the rest for the office can.
B. Do not open Stool, do not pass go. Carry Stool with you with only the folded back cover visible to your fellow passengers. Nothing to see here, nothing to see.
C. Quickly skim all pages before entering train to find a non-hooter page towards the back of the Stool which you can read. Then after verifying the coast is clear and no one is looking, peek ever-so-slightly at the Model/Bartender/Ms. Barstool pages and privately pump fist.
D. Get a sack. Open your Stool directly to the Model page. Gawk until your eyes bleed. Then go to the Bartenders and gawk some more. Then, since you’re currently unable to stand-up without REALLY embarrassing yourself, read as many articles as you can before exiting the train and reluctantly head-off to work.
Answers:
1. A
2. D
3. B
4. D
5. B
6. send email
7. send email
8. D