Ken & Ariel
When Will My Girlfriend Turn Into Her Mother?
Dear Ken and Ariel: I've been dating a girl for three years now and think she's the one. Only problem: Her mother, my future mother-in-law, is a horror show; a good 400 pound, loud, obnoxious, malodorous. As bad as they come. What are the chances my girl's gonna look like that in, say, thirty years? Thanks.
Ariel Says: First, let me say I am so flattered that you would deign to use a word like "malodorous" in a letter to the likes of us, we of the fourth grade education and obvious mental limitations. I had to look it up because I thought it was perhaps a type of mammal from the Mesozoic Era, like a prehistoric Shetland pony. Anyhoo, I have no idea on this one. Is it indeed innate or learned ugliness? In other words, if mom showered, laid off the Ding Dongs, and got a personal trainer, would that help? Any chance you can get a hold of mom's high school yearbook? What does the dad look like? If he's a woofer too, you may need to bolt. Despite what Extreme Makeover shows would have you believe, there's only so much the good doctor can do.
Ken Says: Ah, the old adage, “if you want to know what your girl will look like in thirty years, look at her mother.” Guys have been using that measure for years, but I’m not sure it’s all that reliable. I’ve seen plenty of knock-out women with ass-ugly mamas, and, conversely, a lot of MILFs cavorting about with unattractive offspring. But if your girl actually does devolve from Eva Longoria to Yoda over the next three decades, you can take comfort in this: the change will be so gradual, you really won’t even notice it. Also, consider how kind the years will be to you, buddy. Perhaps in thirty years, you may be lucky that anyone’s making a play for your johnson, let alone a woman who looks vaguely like your mother-in-law.
More fake advice can be found at www.kenandariel.com.