Ken & Ariel

Dear Ken & Ariel. I need your help: My boyfriend wants us to make a sex video. He says it'd be fun and he'd only watch it by himself when I'm not around to remind him of me. I'm not so sure this is something I want to do. Any thoughts for how to approach it with him?

Ken Says: I’ll put this as simply and delicately as I can: If the idea of your aunt Polly trolling around YouTube and inadvertently coming upon a video of your boyfriend working your ass over with a leather strap and two gallons of Mazola doesn’t appeal to you, then I’d pass. In these “content driven” times, you literally never know where your video is liable to show up. One minute, you’re fooling around with a camera, the next, you’re the most downloaded clip at HotTeenFacials.com. Unless you want to experience the embarrassment that comes with discovering your Dad’s poker buddies have been jacking off to your boobs, leave the filmmaking to Scorsese. Seriously.

Ariel Says: Dear Vacillating Video Vixen: Pamela and Tommy Lee, Pamela and Brett Michaels, Art Kelly, Rob Lowe, that annoying dude from Creed and Kid Rock, Colin Farrell, Paris Hilton and Screech have all followed your boyfriend's suggestion. If you wish to have their unintended audience of millions (well, unintended except for Paris and Screech) then by all means, exfoliate, wax, and proceed. However, if you feel too camera-shy and would prefer to have your fifteen minutes of fame fully clothed, tell him very sweetly that you simply will be too nervous, unable to relax, and far too inhibited to do all the fantastically hot, crazy-assed, illegal-in-several-states shit you normally do to him behind closed doors.

Dear Ken & Ariel: My girlfriend and I have been together for about six months, and we have a very active, exciting sex life.  But when it comes to hand jobs and oral sex, she's not very good. In fact, she's very bad. How do I tactfully tell her I'd like to spend a little time on technique? I've tried to gently suggest how she go about it during sex, but she doesn't respond very well in the heat of the moment.  Help?

Ariel Says: You remind me of the old joke about the virgin who gets hand job advice: "you  know, shake it like a bottle of ketchup." Well, there are several ways of getting ketchup out of a bottle, one of which is turning the bottle upside down and giving it a few furious whacks. Yeeeouch. As much as I thought you can't really screw up a hand job or a blow job, tragic tales such yours are beginning to surface and methinks we may even need a 12 step program soon for all these pecker abusers. The penis is a wonderful creation, and we must protect it! Now to the actual logistics of your problem -- how to let your lady friend know she needs serious improvement without crushing her enthusiasm, misguided as it is. My suggestion is to get, like, one of those Costco gallons of Vaseline Intensive Care lotion, and invite her over for some playful foreplay. Just as things are about to get started, tell her brightly, "Hey, by the way, I just read about this fucking AWESOME hand job method in Stuff--do you think we can try it out?"

Then demonstrate, using both your hands. Think "The Miracle Worker", the porno version. Next, ask her if there's anything that she would like YOU to try out on HER. You know, cuz you're just that kind of guy. This takes the pressure off and makes you seem like the best lover on the planet.

Sounds like a win-win to me.

Ken Says: Let this serve as testament to all those who claim, “there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob.” In fact, there is, and there’s nothing on this planet as disheartening than having your pecker in some girl’s mouth and your mind on Kevin Youkilis’ batting average. In my experience, it all comes down to enthusiasm: when a girl actually enjoys the idea of giving a dude a smoothie, that enjoyment’s gonna come through in the finished product. If she doesn’t, then it’s like getting dragged to your second cousin’s bar mitzvah: you’re only doing it because you feel you have to. Unfortunately, unless you’re paying your date fifty bucks an hour, it’s your job to help create that enthusiasm. Being clean, having a good sense of humor, and returning the favor are probably the best ways to do that.

Want fake advice? Send your questions to kenandariel@barstoolsports.com, or visit www.kenandariel.com.

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