How Old is Too Old? #3

When the thong of a 59 year old woman inspired me to pen the original “How Old is Too Old” last October, it’s safe to say I was in a strange place in my life - East Cambridge.  But more than that, I was blatantly staring at an old lady’s ass, questioning not only myself, but the future of America.  And surprisingly, even after a second edition of “How Old is Too Old” this past April, I’m still seeing people throughout Boston and beyond, flat-out ignoring the age restrictions I took it upon myself to set “for the good of society”. 

Sure, Barstool Sports influence on degenerate pop culture is becoming more widespread by the NSFW blogs, NSFW cover model videos and NSFW gambling picks (NSFW = not safe for wallet, in that example).  However, despite those undeniable facts of our ever-growing clout in the modern world - we still have work to do.

Giving the kid the ball – maximum age: 73.  From the ages of 35-73 I think you’re socially obligated to give the kid next to you a foul ball if you catch it.  You have to.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a Yankee fan -- if little Jimmy Wendelstein is sitting next to you with ice cream smeared all over his face and an oversized Red Sox hat sideways on his head, you have to give the fucking kid the ball.  However, once you hit 74 – that ball is yours.  Fuck little Jimmy Wendelstein.  You might not see tomorrow, let alone another baseball game, let alone have the opportunity to catch another foul ball. 

Doing a Cannonball – maximum age: 22.  Interesting story from a buddy of mine.  He said he was “mingling” in the pool with some chick, just the two of them, when out of nowhere one his buddies “cannon balled” RIGHT in between him and his unsuspecting lady-friend.  Not only a Grade 1 c-block by the buddy, but the guy, at 25, was technically too old to be doing a cannon ball anyway.  But not by much.  Once you hit 23 you should only be doing straight dives or belly flops… or “pencils”.   “Pencils” are still allowed.

Revving your engine – maximum age: 29.  I’m stopped at a red light last month next to some guy in a black Camaro circa 1975.  So I look over – the guy looks back.  I look straight ahead.  Then the guy, almost on cue, proceeds to “rev” his engine.  Huh?  What was he serious?  Are we gonna drag race down Commercial Street?  Regardless, the man had to be 55 and clearly too old to be “revving” his engine. 

Crashing on the couch – maximum age: 34.  I’m planning another trip to the left coast to visit a buddy who moved out there and I’m wondering if I can still get away with “crashing on the couch”.  One of these times I’m going to have to suck it up and pay for a hotel.  I can’t be 50 and sleeping on my buddy’s futon.  I can’t be 50 and still visiting my buddy.  I’ll have a wife and kids by then, right?  Right?  Now if you’re breaking up with your wife, girlfriend, etc. that’s a whole other subject, article, etc.  I’m just talking about crashing on the couch because you’re too cheap.

Singing the words to “You’re a Crazy Bitch” – maximum age: 26.  First of all this is just an awkward song to begin with.  “You’re a crazy bitch, you F so good blah-blah…”  I can’t even write it.  I was down in Newport this summer and saw a cover band in their 30’s (shock) perform this song and it was creepy.  I would’ve preferred a timeless classic like “Uncle John’s Band” or something like that.  It’s actually not a bad song, I don’t think.  Just belting out, “I-LIKE-THE-WAY- YOU F*CK - ME” is weird if you’re over 27.  Nobody wants to hear old people talk about banging.

Entering “dirty” initials in a video game – maximum age: 19.  If you ever go to Game On by Fenway you’ll see somebody entered the initials “F-U-K” on Buckhunter.  Um, I used to do this when I was 12 in Centipede, which I was the greatest at by the way.  Now I’m assuming the guy was over 21 since it’s a bar, and I can’t help but wonder what the heck he was thinking as he “rifled in” the letters, F-U-K.  Was he bragging to his buddies?  And did they laugh when he showed them?  It just can’t be.

Having a bachelor party – maximum age: 42.  Once you hit 43, unfortunately your buddies are no longer required to throw you a bachelor party.  Hey, you snoozed you losed.  Instead, you’re just entitled to a “thing”.  Here’s what I mean…

“Hey, what are you guys doing for Steve?  I hear he’s getting married next month.”

“Yeah, we’re having a ‘thing’ for him on Saturday if you want to stop by.”

“No bachelor party?”

“No, just a thing…”

“Okay, sounds good dude!”

Sure there will most likely be plenty of over-priced strippers and cheap booze; and guys who couldn’t make it because their wives won’t let them, but technically, because you’re over 43, despite all the necessary ingredients in place, it’s still not a bachelor party.   Just a ‘thing’…  (Note: for bachelorettes over 43, their “thing” will mostly likely be at a Dick’s Last Resort in Myrtle Beach.)

Celebrating after a touchdown – maximum age: 28.  Did anyone notice Corey Dillon on Sunday doing a 15-step dance ala Chad Johnson after he scored a touchdown?  And did it seem strange to anyone that he did?  Well it should’ve been.  Corey, you’re 500 years old.  Just flip the ball to the ref.  You’re gonna get hurt.  Even towards the end of Deion’s “high stepping” career, it was kind of sad to see “Primetime” attempt the same dance moves that he did when he was 22.  He was all out of step, etc.  I think that’s what officially convinced him to hang up his cleats.

Throwing a party when your parents go away – maximum age: 20.  True story, a 25 year old friend of mine went home to Jersey a few weeks ago and threw some kind of “rager” when her parents went away for the weekend.  Apparently the cops were called to “break it up” at 2 in the morning and started laughing because it was the same cops who broke up their parties 9 years ago in high school.  That’s unbelievable!  What’s also unbelievable is that they used their mom’s kitchen table to play Beirut…  “RE-RACK!”

Playing Beirut – maximum age: 33.  Tough one on this.  I played many a Beirut game this summer and decided I still have a few years left of tossing ping-pong balls into plastic cups of Busch Light for absolutely no reason.  When I was in college people played Beirut, sure, but most of us just drank beer.  In other words, we weren’t “big” on drinking games.  We just sat around, drank and played Sega.  Then went out and drank more at the bar.  Then came home and drank and played more Sega.   That was pretty much my college experience.

Well that concludes Part 3 of the “Too Old” Series.  Please, heed my words of wisdom and do not attempt these activities if you have exceeded the maximum age.  If you choose to do so, you’ll be doing it at your own risk.  Hey, I’m just trying to help, “for the good of society”…