In Honor of Cinco de Mayo: A Brief History of Mexico
Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo, a day in which we observe Mexican Independence Day, even though Mexico declared it's independence from Spain on September 15, 1810.
Whatever. It's a friggin' excuse for Americans to drink. Count me among those who's knowledge of Mexican history extends as far as sticking a lime wedge in a beer bottle and my lifelong quest to find the perfect Margarita.
Still I feel a little guilty; ignorance is never a good thing. Mexico should mean more to us than just Michael Vick's alias. So I did a little research and found these significant dates in Mexican history:
1535. Spain establishes a colonial government in Mexico, which pretty much came as a surprise to the Mayans and Aztecs who kind of felt like they already had some. Spanish becomes the primarily language of the region and 434 years later is spoken by Salma Hayek.
1535-1790. Three centuries of Spanish rule. The population goes from 25 million to less than six million mostly due to European diseases. God, in his infinite wisdom, spares Jessica Alba's ancestors.
1810. Miguel Hildago declares independence and is promptly executed by Spanish loyalists. The investigation into who is responsible goes pretty much nowhere:
1821. Augustine Irturbide declares himself Emperor Augustin I. His empire lasts one year. After that, a long series of Mexican rulers start dropping like they're working out under the Yankees conditioning program.
1836. The Battle of the Alamo is fought. Santa Ana's troops overrun the former Spanish Mission and fail to find Pee Wee's bike in the basement.
1846. The Thornton affair sparks the Mexican-American War. US Calvary Captain Seth Thornton bravely leads his men into battle before being captured. One hundred years later, another Thornton single handely brings down Nazi Germany. Neither Thornton spends his life holed up in his basement blogging about football and semi nude actresses he can never have.
1862. Mexico defeats France in the Battle of Puebla, saving the Mexican's from suffering generations of rich, creamy foods and street mimes. France accuses the Mexicans of using performance enhancing substances. Mexico accuses them of head butting.
1911-1926. Mexican Revolution fought as rival factions vie for power. Many people are slain, none of them prevent the genealogical line of Alexis Bledel's mom.
1960. Olympic Games held in Mexico City. An enormous swell of national pride results, which takes the sting out of the introduction of offensive stereotype Speedy Gonzalez seven years earlier.
1964. Laura Harring is born in Los Mochis, Sinaloa. She goes on to become Miss USA. Then to be a defense lawyer defending Vic Mackey and the Strike Team, who ironically enough pay her legal fees by shaking down Mexicans.
1981. Fernando Valenzeula shatters stereotypes by winning the National League ROTY and Cy Young awards. Proving that it IS possible for a big fat junk-balling lefty to make it in the Majors. To this day he gets thank you cards from Teddy Higuera and David Wells.
1985. Mexico City earthquake. 9,000 killed. Eva Longoria survives. Twenty years later, many consider both events to be tragedies.
1987 to ? Cancun becomes most popular Spring Break destination for drunken US college girls and five centuries of bloodshed, turmoil and upheaval are made worthwhile. Cheers.
