Holiday Office Party 101
Holiday season has arrived. More importantly, that means that holiday office party season has begun. The holiday office party is quite simply the most important event both personally and professionally during the course of the year. Reputations are won and lost during this four-hour span. It is the only night of the year when cube dwellers rub shoulders with techies, who rub shoulders with CEO’s, all in the midst of an open bar, fancy food and the option to dance. With so much at stake, Barstool Sports thought we’d mention a few simple pointers on how to maximize your chances for success at the office party. We’d love to hear more from our readers.
- Choosing Your Date
Not all decisions are made the night of the party. Almost all holiday parties will allow you to bring one guest. Choosing your date is a major decision, not to be trifled with. Obviously if you have a serious girlfriend or are married, there is no decision to be made. However, if you just started dating a girl or are thinking about asking a girl you met yesterday, than you better think long and hard about what she brings to the table. I would strongly advise to go the stag route if at all possible. In order to pull off the stag routine, you should start laying the groundwork early. Essentially talk to all the single chicks in your office and say that it would be fun for everybody to go alone. It should be a no brainer to get the single guys to go along with this plot. However if the girls in your office insist on bringing dates, than you have no choice but to roll the dice with a female companion. There is probably no other event where the trophy date will carry as much clout as at the office party. Nothing says “up and comer” like a pretty little blond wrapped around your arm. However, be aware that your date is not only a reflection on you, but is basically you. If your date wears a mini skirt with her ass hanging out, than your wearing a mini skirt with your ass hanging out. If your date decides she wants to talk shop with the boss, than your talking shop with the boss. I’ve seen everything from dates grinding with random techies, to stuffing food in their pockets, to passing out drunk at dinner If your going with a girl you don’t know that well, I’d make sure I knew what they were wearing in advance and I’d keep a close eye on alcohol consumption. There are enough ways to screw up the office party, that the last thing you need is your date messing it up for you.
2. “Hold, Hold, Hold, Hold, Hold, NOW!
The open bar is going to be open all night, so pace yourself. (If your company didn’t spring for an open bar, I highly recommend posting your resume on Monster ASAP) When you go up to the bartender in the beginning, give him a friendly wink as if to say “don’t worry buddy, you haven’t seen anything yet. I’ll turn it on. Everything is under control here.” There is a delicate balance that you need to maintain the entire night. You need to have your wits about you to talk business or sports with the boss, but you want to be loose enough to be working on the females. Therefore, keep the happy buzz going until there is an hour or so left in the party and then drop the hammer. I hate to relive stories from Holiday parties of yester year, but I went to one where one of my good buddies decided he was going to drop the hammer from the word go. The result? Within two hours he was physically escorted into a cab and ushered from the party. Two years later people were still talking about the incident and passing him over for promotions despite the fact his sales numbers were better than 99% of the company. Don’t tell me Holiday parties don’t matter.
3. To kiss ass or not to kiss ass, that is the question
If I had to pick one thing I hated most about my time spent in cube world, it would be the amount of ass kissing that goes on. I hate it. Maybe it’s because I hated cube life and the only reason somebody would kiss ass, would be to strengthen their position in the world of Cubeville. Regardless, the office party is a great time for those non-ass kissers to make their move without compromising their manhood. Everybody is out of his or her element at the office party. Everybody is drinking and having a good time. Suddenly everybody at the office is in your house. You’re back at the Old Garden. You can be the hit of the party by talking about sports or which chicks look good or anything else that normal guys talk about. Maybe mix in a quick work reference, but show em what your all about. Break out those people skills. You’d be surprised what the boss remembers about you the next day.
4. Hey Deion, Act Like You’ve Been There Before”
This is one of my favorite quotes any of my buddies have ever had and it is very appropriate for all facets of the holiday office party. A quick story on where the quote came from which I’m sure is much funnier to me than to anybody else, but I’ll give it a shot anyways.
Basically a bunch of my buddies and I went to the Vineyard one weekend a few years ago. It was off-season so there weren’t that many people there, but we did manage to meet up with a bunch of high society girls who were having an engagement party. These were the types of chicks who wear the red pants and have their sweaters tied around their shoulders. Anyway, they invited us back to one of the girls houses, who was hosting the party and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t the biggest freakin house you’ve ever seen in your life. It was basically on it’s own secluded island on a cliff overlooking the ocean. For a bunch of average Joe’s it was extremely impressive. One of my buddies was overly impressed to the point of repeating the phrase “Are you shitting me? Are your shitting me?” over and over again with a look of fascination and awe on his face. Another one of my buddies shot him a quick death glare and hissed to him, “Hey Deion, Act like you’ve been there before.” And he was right. We had to act like this was no big deal; we see this stuff all the time to have any chance here.
Back to the holiday party. Don’t look overly impressed about anything. Don’t make a scene about the open bar; don’t make a scene about the fancy food, just act like it’s normal for you to be at big time functions. It makes you seem more important. If you have a conversation with a wealthy upper management type act like what he is telling you is commonplace or possibly even below you. Your stock will skyrocket.
5. Skip the Dancing
I don’t care whether your fredesteire. The holiday party is no place for dancing. It seems simple enough. But after you’ve had a few pops, you just may start to notice that the dance floor is filled with only chicks. It’s bound to happen at 7 out of 10 holiday parties throughout Boston this year. Chicks look good dancing, they don’t make fools out of themselves, so they’ll hit the floor. Guys will stay away early, but once the alcohol kicks in so will the temptation to join the ladies. After all, when is the last time you went out and saw a dance floor comprised solely of females and females that your actually friends with. You may ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen if you take a shot, but trust me, you’ll end up being the male version of Elaine from Seinfeld. On a completely unrelated note, I wish there was a way for guys to make as much progress with a girl as quickly as you do when you start dancing with them, without having to dance. There is no way to build sexual tension faster than dancing, but I’d rather sleep on a bed of nails than go out and make a fool of myself. I digress.
6. The After Party
The Holiday Party is that one time when you get all the chicks that everybody talks about in the office to go out for a night on the town. Not only that, but you’ve got an open bar for four hours. Therefore, if you’re ever going to make something happen with any of these chicks, this is the night. However, nothing is happening at the actual office party. As long as upper management is in the house, aggressive skirt chasing is frowned upon. Sure you can talk with the chicks, but you’ve got to be social with everybody from the wives of employees, to your boss, to his boss. Your main mission should be ensuring that everybody knows where he or she is going after the holiday party. The worst-case scenario is to have confusion as the party winds down. You don’t want your female coworkers thinking about the next step. The more confusion, the better the chances that people just hop in a cab and go home. You’ve got to be a general here. “Hey Cindy, everybody is going to Grand Canal after, your coming right.” Personally, I would pick a place where you can dance, despite the fact that I hate it like poison. The only reason I say that is because everybody should be very intoxicated thanks to the open bar and again dancing one song is like 2 hours of small talk.
7. Vow of Silence
If you should be lucky enough to hook up after the holiday party do not tell a soul you work with. The workplace rumor mill is fast and deadly and it’s not a good place to be. It’s like those unpredictable wild fires out in California, there is no way to stop it once it starts and no telling who it jumps to next. This is probably the best advice in the article.
8. Be the Lay in the Weeds Guy
This is kind of the overall strategy of the party. Drink moderately, don’t spend too much time with any one person, and don’t hound any one particular chick. You want to be everywhere at once, but nowhere at the same time. Leave everybody wanting a little bit more of you. Figure out your goals and strategy. Is it more important to climb the social latter or are you more concerned with taking your best shot at the hot chick you’ve been dreaming about. Whatever your goals are plan appropriately and use this opportunity to make some strides because the holiday party only comes around once a year.