Hard Core World Cup Analysis (From a Stupid American)
I don’t know anything about soccer.
To tell the truth, all of my knowledge comes from two places – My Token Buddy Who Likes Soccer, and the beach scene from “Karate Kid”. But that hasn’t stopped me from watching, analyzing and dissecting this year’s World Cup. Why? Well, it’s on TV number one. Number two, I have $750 riding on the outcome. And number three, who says you need to know anything about a sport to have opinions on it? Have you ever watched MLB on Fox? It’s horrible...
So, without freddy adu, I present to you my “hard core” breakdown of the 2006, World Cup.
- First thing you dudes need to do is start watching the UNI-VIS-I-ONNE! “en vivo” coverage of the games. The difference between the ESPN play-by-play guy (Dave Ryan) and the “GOOOOOOOOOALLLLL!!!!” guy on Univision is unbelievable. It doesn’t matter if you can’t parlez a word of Spanish. He’s just a better announcer, in any language, and it makes for a far more exciting viewing experience. (What happened to Jack Edwards?)
My only suggestion at this point to ESPN would be to hire C’s color man Tommy Heinsohn to spice things up…
“They’re gonna call that a red card?!... THEY’RE GONNA CALL THAT A RED CARD?!.... These guys are RIDICULOUS!”
Or even the immortal, Gus Johnson… “And a SHOCKER here in Kaiserslautern!”
Also, after the games on Univision – stay tune for “Primero Impacto”, the Spanish channel’s nightly news show. “Dios Mio” is all I can say. “Dios Mio”. The first 3 stories on Monday night were about stabbings, not shootings – stabbings, and the weather girl chick has ENORMOUS friggin’ cans.
- Ok, this one has been bothering me for days – if a Mexican player scores 3 goals in a game, will the fans throw sombreros on the field? No really, do they? I’m praying the answer is “Yes” but we haven’t seen it yet so I don’t know.
I really hope its yes.
- By far the most entertaining part of the first 4 days of the actual soccer tournament has to be the award winning performance of the Italian Diving Team, a.k.a. Team Italy. If you missed them in action against Ghana on Monday, you’ll get a chance to see them “Triple Lindy” all over the field on Saturday versus the U.S.
It’s hilarious to watch, especially on replay. And the weaker and more meaningless “the foul”, the more “pain” and “anguish” in their faces. They had 2 guys carried off on stretchers for no reason whatsoever, one of whom (Iaquinta) somehow rose from the dead 2 minutes later and scored Italy’s 2nd goal. You’d think he’d never walk again after collapsing to the ground like a deer in “Buckhunter”. Hell, I thought they’d have to amputate right then and there! But nope, he was fine.
I’m sure all teams take dives, but these Italians certainly like to embellish… hey, as Jesse “The Body” Ventura once said, “It doesn’t matter how you play the game; it’s whether you win or lose.”
- Where the heck is China? How are they not in the World Cup? You mean to tell me out of a billion people they can’t find 11 good soccer players? To me this is the biggest untold story of the tournament. It has to be. I’m stunned by this.
ONE BILLION. You just need 11! How did they not qualify? Togo made it. Togo. I literally never heard of Togo until 4 days ago.
I’ve heard of China.
- The Angolan flag has a machete on it.
REPEAT: the Angolan flag has a fucking machete on it! Now, I don’t know about you, but I really wouldn’t want to score an “own goal” if I was playing for Team Angola.
That’s just me.
- Finally, I was probably the only man in America fist-pumping like Kirk Gibson around 2nd base during the U.S.’ 3-0 loss to Petr Czech and the Czech Republic. Two weeks ago in Vegas I asked My Token Buddy Who Likes Soccer if he could pick one semi-long shot to win the World Cup, who would it be? He replied, “Czech Republic. You need help.”
So I promptly plopped down a mindless $50 on the Czechs at 15-1. Right now I’m looking good. They completely overmatched a supposedly solid U.S. team and with a win over Ghana, (and maybe Italy) will advance to the round of 16 and hopefully well beyond. Go Czechs go.
Random Bold Prediction: The U.S. squad beats Italy and Ghana and advances to the round of 16. For my Final 4, I’m going with England, France, Brazil and the Czech Republic (why not), with Brazil winning it all again. Remember to watch Univision, and try to enjoy the rest of the tournament.