Handicapping American Idol

People can say a lot of things about El Presidente, but nobody can deny that I’m an American Idol expert. And with the competition beginning this Wednesday night I figured I’d put my expertise to good use and handicap the contestants So without further adieu here is my breakdown of what has to be considered the sexiest field in the history of American Idol. As a side note, the breakdown is in no particular order. This is how the contestants appear on the American Idol website

Ayla Brown – 17 – Wrentham, MA

Checking in at 6'7” and hailing from Wrentham MA, Ayla Brown…Brown….Brown…. This future full scholarship Lady Eagle (is that what you call BC Women’s hoop players?) will become a household name in Boston over the next few months. And it won’t be for her basketball abilities although she always manages to bring that up every chance she gets. Not only is Brown a good athlete, but she is the daughter of local TV anchor (Gail Huff) and is sort of cute. Her only weakness is that Simon and company are building her up to be too perfect and robotic. Unfortunately, while she is a jack of all trades, she’s an ace of none. She isn’t quite pretty enough and she isn’t quite a good enough singer to win the whole thing.

Odds 7 -1

Becky O’Donohue – 25- NY

I almost passed out the first time Becky and her twin sister (yes- identical twin) walked into the audition room. Simon had the understatement of the year when upon seeing the Flying O’Donohue’s for the first time he said “aren’t you two commercial looking?” Let’s get one thing straight. Vocally, Becky O’Donohue doesn’t belong in this competition. But from a sex standpoint, American Idol has never seen anything like her. She is a flat out 10. Becky’s run on American Idol will last as long as she can continue to wear less and less clothing every week. Eventually though she’ll be as naked as cable television will allow and after a couple weeks of seeing that and saving it on TIVO there will be no more need for her. She will make it to the final 10 on sex appeal alone, but you need to be able to sing to get to the final 5 and she can’t. As a side note Becky was also a full scholarship hoops player in college meaning this year’s American Idol may have 2 of the prettiest female hoops players of all time.

Odds 11-1

Ace Young – 25 – CO

This guy is like a high powered version of Bo Bice and that’s saying a lot since Bo made it to the Finals last year. Paula Abdul already has her “I get goose bumps” routine ready to go for whenever Ace hits the stage. The one question mark is whether Ace Young will be able to overcome the reality TV curse that is his first name. After all, Ace from Real World is arguably the worst competitor in the history of reality TV. But despite this handicap I fully expect a top 5 finish from Ace Young with an outside chance to win the whole thing. But that doesn’t mean I’m buying his claim that he is good at sports.

Odds 3 -1

Bobby Bennett – 19 –CO

Dude, what is up with your porn mustache? Is this to hide the fact that your fat and below average looking? Guys like this don’t win American Idol. You need to be either orca fat like Ruben Stoddard or skinny. You can’t be in-between. Of course, the fact that this guy isn’t fun to look at and made it this far means he can really sing. He’s a top 15, maybe top 10 guy with no shot at all of winning or ever being heard from again. And it is a 100% lock Simon makes fun of the mustache and he shaves it before he’s eliminated.

Odds 32 -1

Brenna Getthers – 25 – NY

The mouth. This chick never shuts up. In other American Idol years she may have been considered cute, but not this year. I think her attitude will work well for her in the beginning, but eventually she’ll wear out her welcome just like all New Yorkers do.

Odds - 15 -1

Heather Cox – 22 –NC

It’s not a good sign when you’re very attractive and I don’t really remember you from auditions. It’s a tough break for Heather that she came out for the draft in a year when her position was so deep. And make no mistake, her position is sex pot. I think she’ll be an early casualty of having so many pretty girls in the competition this year.

Odds 17 -1

Bucky Covington– 28 – NC

I don’t know what to say about this guy. I don’t remember him in the auditions at all. He could be a sleeper because he’s going to go with the hardcore Rock N Roll angle which will separate him from the field. He’s also one of the oldest competitors in there. Bucky is an absolute wildcard. I could see him being on of the first guys bounced but a top 10 finish may not be out of his reach. He is truly the one dark horse of the field.

Odds -12 -1

Chris Daughtry – 26 – NC

This kid is going to be Ace’s sidekick the entire show. Again he is one of those guys who stands no real chance to win the thing, but he’ll hang around for a long time. He’s already married and has a kid so I’m sure we’re going to get a heavy dose of them as well.

Odds – 9-1

Katharine McPhee – 21 – LA

This is the Todd Marinovich of the competition. Her mother basically raised her to become a professional singer and I’m sure is putting tons of pressure on her to win this thing. And while she is certainly talented I think the pressure is going to get to her. Plus she sort of seems like a poor man’s version of Kelly Clarkson. If you look back at all the past American Idol winners, they have all been drastically different. I just think this girl is too cookie cutter. She clearly has talent as the judges thought she had the best audition of the entire show, but I just don’t see her having that extra level you need to win this thing. And she is another one who in a different year could have gone further with just her looks.

Odds 5 - 1

Kelly Pickler – 19 –NC

This is the trailer trash girl who makes good. She is also the 2nd hottest girl in the competition. Being as hot as this chick guarantees that you skate through the first 10 elimination ceremonies. But she will struggle the more this competition continues and it will become painfully obvious that she doesn’t have the talent to be a real threat. Still she has an over the top bubbly personality that will make her a crowd favorite and she’ll get the “pervert guy” vote. Kelly will get eliminated around the top 10 and will be one of these chicks who launch some sort of career from American Idol.

Odds 8-1

David Radford – 17 – IL

American Idol always has a few people who clearly don’t belong and this crooner is one of them. I like Sinatra. I like the Rat Pack. And this is the type of singer that this guy is but I don’t like him. I’ve heard better singers at Lucky’s than this guy. And who is he trying to make swoon? 95 year old ladies and 8 year old girls? Plus, what’s he going to do when he can’t pick songs from the 18th century? If this guy makes it past the top 15, then my name isn’t El Presidente. The only good thing about this guy being in the competition is that he should be an absolute punching bag for Simon.

Odds 40 -1

Elliot Yamon – 27 – VA

Blah. There is nothing worse than being blah in American Idol. You better be pretty, orca fat, ultra dorky or something. You need to stand out from the competition. Elliot Yamon is the guy whose name you can’t remember at your high school reunion.

Odds 40 -1

Kinnick Sky -28 – GA

I’ve done my research and apparently Kinnick Sky is not a stage/stripper name. It is her real name. I honestly have no idea who this chick is. I feel like I wouldn’t have forgotten a name like Kinnick Sky which doesn’t bode well for her. But with “Jesus” as her lucky charm I have a hard time believing she won’t make it to at least the final 15.

Odds – 32 -1

Lisa Tucker – 16 – CA

This is why I lift all them weights. This is where all my years of watching American Idol come into play. I may be the only one on the planet who already has a beat on this girl. She sort of skated through the preliminaries and I can tell she’s a huge threat. In fact it wouldn’t surprise me to see Lisa make it to the Final 3. She’s just going to be consistently strong the entire competition.

Odds 4 -1

GEDEON MCKINNEY – 17- TN

Somebody needs to stick Gedeon McKinney in a locker and steal his lunch money. This is the guy who came into the final auditions and said how the judges needed to find somebody with “it” and “it” was the difference between good performers and superstars and how naturally he had “it.”. After hearing the speech Simon said he wished he heard it earlier so he could have not put him through to the finals. And that’s how I felt too. I don’t know how this kid is so cocky already. He claims his life goal is to win 10 Grammy’s within 2 years. Kid, shut up. You’re a freaking nobody. I can’t wait until you’re gone. I have you being one of the first 10 people bounced just because you’re so freaking annoying. Stop smiling so wide and shave your porno mustache. Contrary to what the American Idol contestants have been told, the porn mustache isn’t back in style.

Odds 19 - 1

Jose “Sway” Penala -28- SF

This kid can blow. (Thanks for that terminology Randy) He’s also got a very likable and laid back personality. I don’t think he has enough to win the competition but he’ll be a fan favorite and should hang around until at least the top 10, maybe top 5.

Odds 6 -1

Mandisa – 29 – TN

“Mandisa”. The only contestant who has one name. She is also by far the biggest person in the competition. And by big I mean fat. Simon hurt her feelings during her original audition when he said “I hope we have a bigger stage this year” I think you could fit two Ruben Stoddard’s in this chick. And not surprisingly she is clearly the best female singer in the group and also has a great personality. Mandisa has star written all over her. She has the one word name, the star look and the star voice. Nobody will ever forget her because she is too huge and too talented. I think she is a legitimate threat to win the whole competition. For sure a top 5 finisher and my guess is the 3rd place finisher.

Odds – 2-1

Melissa McGhee -21- FL

This is another contestant that I can’t remember at all. That spells doom. She’ll be gone early.

Odds – 50 -1

Kevin Covais – 16 – NY

I like this kid. I usually don’t like the dorky dudes, but I don’t mind this one. And this is despite the fact I think he has a lisp. The reason I don’t mind him is because he doesn’t try to be Rico Suave like a lot of past American Idol dorks. But let’s call a spade a spade. This kid has no shot in hell at winning. He’ll be one of the first people eliminated. I’m actually shocked he made it this far.

Odds – 39 -1

Patrick Hall – 27 – AK

This is the type of guy you need on a sports team to win championships. He’s solid but not spectacular. He’s going to get the job done but not want any of the credit. He’s a solid lunch pale type guy. This guy will be good the entire competition, but not good enough to really threaten for the title. He’ll get bounced right around the midway point of the competition.

Odds – 18 -1

Paris Bennett -17- GA

If “Mandisa” is the best female singer in this competition than Paris Bennett is 1A. And if American Idol was a horse race than Paris Bennett would have to be considered the favorite because of her bloodlines. Her entire family is professional singers. In many ways this competition means the least to this girl because she is going to become a professional singer regardless of whether she wins this thing or not. I think she may be just a tad too young to actually win the whole shooting match, but she’ll definitely make her presence felt.

Odds – 3-1

Stevie Scott – 19 – CA

I feel like this may be the first chick in the history of American Idol to get the B-O-R-I-N-G chant broken out on her mid performance. I was shocked when she made it through to the finals. And I’ll be even more shocked if she isn’t one of the first 10 people voted off the island.

Odds – 40 -1

Taylor Hix – 29 –

This is my man. For the first time since Kelly Clarkson, I think we have a clear superstar in the mix. He just has that special “it” factor that is impossible to put your finger on like GEDEON MCKINNEY was talking about. You can’t learn it, you can’t teach it and you can’t buy it. You can only be born with it and Taylor Hix has it. The thing I love about Hix besides the fact he looks like he is 40 is that everything he does just seems to come natural and he doesn’t have to press to make it happen. He’s a natural born performer and star. I don’t feel like I’m being sold a false bill of goods when I watch him sing. Taylor Hix is my pick to be the next American Idol and if he doesn’t win it will only be because 12 year old girls won’t be voting for him. But I’d pay to see him perform and those are fighting words. As a side note, Simon hates him which makes me nervous because I usually am on the same page with Simon, but I’m guessing he’ll change his tune a couple performances into the show.

Odds – 1-2

Will Makar – 16 – Texas

Moving on from a guy who looks like he’s 40 to a kid who looks like he’s 12. Will Makar is another one of these rat pack wannabees who make no sense to me. This kid seems nice enough, but I just don’t understand- who would ever like his music? Don’t little teenage girls like cool white rapper boys? What 12 year old girl wants to listen to Sinatra? And what’s up with him pointing at us in his picture? Don’t point at me kid. You have no chance at making it to the top 10.

Odds 22 -1