Handicapping American Idol

Ok everybody the wait is over.   It’s time for El Presidente’s American Idol preview.  Now for those of you who are new to the Stool, let me give you a little history lesson.  I have successfully picked the winner of every single season of American Idol before the first elimination show has even aired.  It’s a streak that has to rival Joe DiMaggio’s Hit Streak, Cal Ripken’s consecutive game steak and every other major streak in the world.  I’ve often said that God gave me three gifts in life.  The first one is the ability to get a great parking spot under any circumstance.  I’m telling you that I could get a spot right in front of Giacamo’s on Hanover Street at 8pm on a Friday Night if I needed to.  The second gift is the ability to spot a bad fashion trend before I fall victim to it.   I was the guy in middle school who never pegged my jeans.  I just knew it looked stupid.   And finally I can spot the American Idol winner a mile away.  Now I’m not saying that I’m proud of any these natural born abilities, but it is what it is.  So without further ado here is my American Idol preview.   And before I get started let me say that this is by far the hardest season to handicap in the history of the show.

Leslie Hunt

No offense Leslie, but you might as well not even unpack your bags.   I’m sure you’re a decent singer but the next American Idol?  Please.   I mean you were obviously the captain of the drama club in high school and the popular crowd didn’t even know you existed.   Unfortunately that doesn’t bode well for being the next American Idol.  Also, if you’re going to try and win this thing with red hair then you better be an absolute smoke show because nobody is going to vote for an average looking redhead.   

Odds – 5 billion - 1

Paul Kim

Ugh.  Now unfortunately for Paul Kim I do remember him from Hollywood week.  But the only reason I remember him is because he is one ugly dude.   In fact, if this was an ugly competition, I think he’d be the favorite.  But here is the bottom line with being ugly.   If you’re going to be ugly you’d better be able to sing your ass off.   Kim has the ugly part down cold, but his singing is nothing to write home about.   It looks like the Asian community will have to wait another year for an American Idol Winner.

Odds - 5000-1

Sabrina Sloan

Chalk up another one in the “I don’t remember you” category.    But apparently she is from “Studio City, CA”   Studio City?  I didn’t even know that was a real place.  Is this like a song or something? Stu Stu Studio? If I had to pick the winner simply based on where people live, Sabrina would win in a landslide.   Unfortunately that’s not how they do it as far as I know.

Odds - 2000-1

Alaina Alexander (age 24)

Okay the first thing I do when handicapping American Idol is I look at all the contestants and rule out the ones that I can’t remember from Hollywood week or the auditions.  There is nothing worse in American Idol than being forgettable and Alaina Alexander is forgettable.  I have no idea whether she can sing or not and frankly it doesn’t really matter does it?

Odds – 1,000 – 1

AJ Tabalo

AJ Tablo is just blah.  I’d almost rather be ugly than blah.  I’m trying to think what I can write about him and I can’t even come up with something.   I mean I guess this guy could hang around for 5-7 elimination ceremonies, but he’s really just wasting everybody’s time and money.

Odds 1000-1

Sanjay Malakar

Sanjay’s sister also made it to Hollywood, but got cut before the finals.   However, it wasn’t before the brother/sister combo got a ton of airtime.  Lots of airtime usually bodes well for a long stay on American Idol because everybody already knows who you are before the competition even begins.  Not to mention the fact that his mom is a MILF. Therefore, I’m sure American Idol will keep showing his mom and sister in the crowd which should help him.   But he’s got two things working against him.  First, he has a porn mustache that seems to grow right before your eyes and more importantly I think he may piss himself on stage.   I mean this kid looks like he’s scared of his own shadow.    It’s a lot to ask a 17 year old kid to make any noise in this tournament and Sanjay clearly doesn’t have the poise you need.

Odds - 500-1

Nicole Tranquillo

Again, I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but Nicole Tranquillo is just another classic mid major.  She is a decent singer with no personality.  Or at least not enough personality to make up for the fact she isn’t a great singer.  I mean Nicole will hang around for a little while but at no time will she be a threat to make it into the top 8.

Odds - 500-1

Amy Krebs

Read everything I just said for Nicole Tranquillo.

Odds – 500-1

Jarod Cotter

Okay this is the first guy that I’d separate from the people that have no chance.   Don’t get me wrong Jarod has no chance either, but at least he brings something to the table.  He’s got a little personality to go with his singing.  The only problem is that I hate his personality.   There is nothing that gets on my nerves faster than people who are always mugging to the cameras.  Jarod is going to be one of those guys who tries to stick his ding dong in the camera every time he sees it. I’ll watch his first performance, but I may be forced to boycott him the rest of the way because he is too annoying to watch.

Odds 300-1

Rudy Cardenas

Rudy is the only guy in this competition who can challenge Sanjay for the porn mustache of the year award.   But unlike Sanjay I expect Rudy to stick around for a little while.   Every year we get a guy like this.  He is the guy who is super happy no matter what is going on.   Everybody in the competition loves him.  The judges love him.  The crowd loves him.  He may or may not be gay.   And even though he won’t crack the top 10, he’ll be one of the more memorable non threatening singers in the competition.

Odds – 75-1

Gina Glockson

I think Gina Glockson really believes in her heart of hearts that she is going to be the next American Idol.  If you ask me she should have taken the hint last year when she was cut during Hollywood week.   Gina is just one of those girls that no matter what you do to her, no matter what stylist you hire, no matter what makeover you give her, she’s always going to look like she got mutilated by the ugly stick.  And it’s a proven fact that in order to be a white female pop star, you need to look hot.    She obviously didn’t get the memo.

Odds - 75-1

Brandon Rodgers

Brandon Rodgers is the prototypical mid major.  Sure he could pull a few upsets and knock on the door of the top 10, but when push comes to shove he is just going to be outgunned and outclassed.   And this is another guy who thinks that making googly eyes at the cameras is just as important as singing.   My biggest piece of advice to guys like Brandon Rodgers would just be to act natural.   Don’t worry about putting on a show for the cameras because everybody looks like a fool when they do this.    

Odds - 60-1

Antonella Barba

In what I consider a shocking development there are only two hot chicks on American Idol this year.  How is that even possible?   I feel like there should be a minimum of 5 smoke shows every year.   Anyway, Antonella Barba is one of the two hotties, although I’d even debate just how hot she is.   Cleary she has a great body, but I’m not sold on her face.  In fact, it looks like she kind of has buck teeth if you ask me.  Regardless the good news is that she is 20 years old so we can all discuss her sex appeal without a guilty conscience.   Antonella’s only chance of making a run in this competition is by slutting it up big time.  She needs to pick all stripper songs and shake her ass all over the place.  But there is no chance in hell that she’s going to do this so there is no chance in hell she’s going to win.  I mean look at this picture of her!   Who dressed her for this photo shoot? You couldn’t show less skin if you tried.   This type of attitude sucks and it stinks and it sucks and it isn’t going to get her very far in this competition.  

Odds - 50 -1

Haley Scarnato

Well we might as well move right along and discuss the 2^nd of the sexpots in American Idol this year.   I present you with Haley Scarnato.   Yup, this is the hottest chick on the show this year.  How depressing is that?   Sure, she’s decent to look at, but she wouldn’t have even cracked the top 5 last year.  I haven’t totally decided what I think about her face yet but her body is legit.   Regardless she was stiff as a board during Hollywood week and I’d be shocked if she used her sex appeal to her advantage.  Honestly, when will these girls learn that shaking your shit puts asses in the seats?

Odds 50-1

Jordan Sparks

Jordan could be a girl to keep your eye on.   First of all her first name screams superstar or porn star at the very least.  Also, she has one of the better voices in this competition and has a decent stage presence.   The only thing she’s missing is looks, but she’s not ugly despite the fact she is fat if that makes any sense.   It’s weird because sometimes you’re better off not even being close to sexy in this competition.   You just don’t want to be caught in the middle.    I think Jordan’s voice and personality may be enough to carry her into the top 10.  

Odds - 35-1

Melissa Doolittle

Melissa Doolittle’s main goal in American Idol is to answer the question “if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it does it make any noise?   I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but people who look like Melissa and have the last name Doolittle are destined to be career back up singers.  The limelight isn’t for everybody and it’s certainly not for the Doolittle’s of the world.  

Odds - 28-1

Phil Stacey

I haven’t figured out what I think of Phil Stacey yet.  He’s kind of a tweener in my book.   I could see myself hating him or being a fan of his.   He is teetering right on the edge of being a little too sappy vs. the guy next door.   You got to give him credit though.  He skipped the birth of his kid so he could audition for American Idol.   If I did that I think the First Lady would chop my balls off.    Regardless this proves that the guy has confidence in his singing ability.  I mean you’d kind of look like a fool if you missed the birth of your child so Simon could rip you a new asshole on National TV.   I don’t know what it is about Phil Stacey, but I think he could be a real dark horse.

Odds - 25-1

Nicholas Pedro

One year after withdrawing from the competition because he couldn’t handle the pressure of Hollywood week, Taunton’s own Nicholas Pedro has rebounded by making it to the final 24.   Good for him.  It’s nice to see a Masshole representing.   And if you ask me he kind of looks like a Masshole right?   I mean I’m pretty sure I bumped into like 6 of him last week at the Purple Shamrock.  Also if you thought that Aila Brown (BC hoops chick) got a lot of press last year you haven’t seen anything yet.   Keep in mind that Aila was only on American Idol for a cup of coffee while Nicholas Pedro is a lock for the top 10.   Does he have a chance to win?   Well he is balding so I’d have to say no.

Odds - 15-1

Stephanie Edwards

There is always a version of Stephanie Edwards in every year of American Idol.   This is the chick who is arguably one of the best singers/performers in the entire group.  Yet she just doesn’t capture the public’s imagination.  She’ll sail through the early rounds and people will be shocked when she is eliminated around the top 8.    But it really shouldn’t be a shock because while everybody likes her, nobody loves her.  Therefore while everybody is voting for their favorites she gets lost in the shuffle and bounced in what people will call the most controversial elimination ever.   But don’t worry, these chicks always land on their feet and end up with a career after Idol.

Odds - 10-1

Chris Sligh

Okay now we’re into the top five.  And for the first time in the history of American idol I’m not 100% convinced that I know who the winner is going to be.    Let’s start the top five count down with Chris Sligh.  In the history of American Idol there has never been anybody like him.   He is the friendly fat kid who you went to high school with and everybody liked.  In fact it’s almost impossible not to like Chris Sligh.   Chris had me at hello during the auditions when the judges asked him why he wanted to be the next American Idol and he responded by saying “because he wanted to make David Hasselhoff cry.”   As a reminder Fox showed David Hasselhoff crying when Taylor Hix was announced the winner last year.  When I heard Chris Sligh say he wanted to make Hasselhoff cry I basically gave him a free pass to the final five right then and there.   Luckily it turns out that he can sing as well.   Also he has the perfect balance of weird fat quirkiness and dry sense of humor to be considered a huge threat in this competition.  But despite how much I like him, I just can’t picture him actually winning this thing.

Odds – 8-1

Lakisha Jones

I’m a sucker for the fat black chick who can really sing.  There is one every year and this year it is Lakisha Jones.   And I feel like every year the motto of the fat black chick is that they are doing it for their kids.   Same old same old in that regard with Lakisha.  But I think Lakisha may be my favorite fat black chick of all time.   Not only can she blow, but she actually has a few dance moves stashed away in places you don’t talk about at parties.   She did a “get back” during Hollywood Week that almost made me pass out.  Eventually a fat black chick is going to bring home the crown and it wouldn’t shock me if this is the year.  

Odds – 6-1

Sundance Head

Ok, now we’re into the final 3 and this is where it really gets tough.   I honestly think any of the final three guys could win this thing.  It’s almost a dead heat.  Now if you asked me who was going to win after the first round of auditions I would have told you it was going to be Sundance Head in a rout.   Not only does he have the ultimate porn star name, but he had the single best audition I’ve ever heard in my life.   Also, he comes from great bloodlines as his father had a billboard #1 hit back in the day.   But a funny thing happened on the way to the Sundance Head’s coronation ceremony.   He sucked during Hollywood week.  He couldn’t remember his words and he just turned in one shitty performance after another.   In fact the only reason he even made it to the Final 24 was because of that first audition.   But I just can’t ignore his potential.   If Sundance brings his "A" game there is nobody who can beat him.

Odds – 3-1

Blake Lewis Beat box Guy

We have our first official Beat Box guy in the history of American Idol.   Now even though Simon warned him that this was a singing competition, it doesn’t matter what Simon thinks anymore.   And I kind of disagree with Simon on this one.  American Idol is an entertainment competition above anything else.   Yeah, you need to be able to sing, but you also need to be able to do shit that separates you from the crowd.  And Blake’s beat box skills give him a huge advantage.   The only question is how much he uses it.  If I were his coach I’d make sure he breaks out the beat box every chance he gets.   If I’ve learned one thing in life it’s that good beat boxing never gets old.   If Blake can continue to put on the type of shows he did during Hollywood week, he has a great shot at being the next American Idol.   If he tries to prove that he’s the greatest singer in the world then this pick could come back to haunt me as my worst American Idol pick of all time.

Odds – 3-1

Chris Richardson

This is just a glorious pick by me.   I’m probably the only person in America who has pegged Chris Richardson as the winner.  But the bottom line is this.   Anybody who legitimately reminds me of Justin Timberlake is going to be a superstar.    I mean Timberlake is the most powerful dude in Hollywood right now.  Keep in mind that he fucked Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson in the same month!  That’s some powerful shit right there.   And Chris Richardson reminds me of him.  Now I’m betting that if Richardson reminds me of Timberlake then he’s also going to remind all the little girls who have wet dreams about JT of him as well.   And this spells huge success with the voting public.   So here is my pick for this year’s American Idol winner;  Chris “JT” Richardson.   You heard it here first. 

Odds - 2-1