Guys You Watch the NFL With: Part I
Now I might be jumping the gun here titling this “Part I”, but I’m hoping this list will continue to grow. What I’m doing is compiling the different types of dudes you watch football with on Sunday afternoons. Or Mondays, or Thursdays or Saturdays – you get the point. Now if you’re NOT mentioned in this article, that’s okay: it just means you A., either don’t follow professional football (HUH?), or B., have no distinguishing qualities about you when it comes to watching the NFL. Anyway let’s just end all the pre-article hype, bring in a first year referee and kickoff our “Guys You Watch the NFL With: Part I”.
Conspiracy Guy – Conspiracy Guy is hilarious. Not only is every call a bad call, but it’s all part of an intricate, league-wide CIA plot against his team. It could be the Jets, it could be the Lions; obviously it depends on what team Conspiracy Guy is rooting for/betting on that day. The point is that by the end of the game he’ll have you convinced Jack Ruby’s grandkid is going to come running onto the field and shoot the Mob-tied head linesman in the stomach. What is this, the NBA? One of my best friends is an admitted Patriots’ Conspiracy Guy and there’s simply nothing anyone can say or do to change his mind that the entire NFL is conspiring against the Pats and have been for years. Why? Doesn’t matter. Tuck Rule? Never heard of it. Although after last week’s game against the Colts, this time he might have a point.
Horse Collar Guy – What’s with Horse Collar Guy? Ever since the NFL put the Horse Collar rule into effect last year this guy, for whatever reason, keeps yelling “Horse Collar! Horse Collar!” after every freaking tackle. “OHH! Horse Collar! That’s a fucking Horse Collar!” Now I’ve probably seen this called maybe once in a year and a half, but this guy wants a horse collar flag on every play. Dude, every tackle is not a horse collar! Learn the rule! When they actually do call it for him, watch out because it’s going to be like Christmas, New Years and 4th of July all at the same time. He may even horse collar himself.
Captain Fantasy – I’m sure we all know a Captain Fantasy. I’m at a local bar for Giants/Cowboys on Sunday and there was a guy who had to have every player on the god damn field on at least one of his 36 fantasy teams. First I thought he was a Giants fan because he was celebrating every Eli Manning completion, but then 5 minutes later when Crayton scored a touchdown for Dallas, the same guy was clapping again. 10 minutes after that, he’s fist-pumping a Nick Folk field goal, then, once I thought I figured out his entire starting lineup he “Booyeahed” a Giants’ interception. I gave up. For Captain Fantasy, it’s all in a days work, whatever that means. However to the untrained eye, he can be a very confusing individual.
These Announcers Suck Guy – A first cousin of Conspiracy Guy, These Announcers Suck Guy is flat-out obsessed with the how bad the announcers are. I mean sometimes he’s not even paying attention to the game, he’s just too upset to concentrate on anything else other than the announcers. A few Sundays ago I told my These Announcers Suck buddy to hit the SAP button just to calm him down and he said to me, and I quote, “those guys suck too.” At this point, I don’t know what to do for These Announcers Suck Guy. I think Gamecast is his only hope.
Go For It on 4th Down Guy – I don’t know who taught Go For It On 4th Down Guy the rules of football, but he clearly is in dire need of extra help. I can see on the opposing 35-40 yard line, sometimes it’s a tough decision, but not for Go For It On 4th Down Guy – he’s yelling “GO!” as soon as they come up short on 3rd and 5 at their own 20. Although last week I think I finally figured out Go For It On 4th Down Guy -- he just likes to be entertained. I mean he cares, but in the end, for whatever reason it’s not life or death. Also, Go For It On 4th Down Guy is probably more qualified than Norv Turner to coach in this league.
Racist Guy – Whoa, who brought Racist Guy? Not that it was ever okay, but it’s 2007 and Racist Guy is still rooting against black quarterbacks. Huh? Vince Young, McNabb, now he’s doing the same thing rooting against Quinn Gray on the Jaguars. Can you get any more predictable/pathetic? Racist Guy is a joke, I’m done talking about him – onto the next one.
Clap After Every Play Guy – Maybe I’m alone on this one, but I can’t stand Clap After Every Play Guy. Sure after a sack, a 3rd down conversion, any big play is perfectly acceptable to clap. But sometimes Clap After Every Play Guy gets a little carried away with the celebrations. 2 yard run on 1st and 10, “Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap.” Timeout to save a delay of game penalty, “Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap”. Extra point is up… and good, “Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap.” I don’t know, just relax a little on the clapping, some of us are trying to listen to how bad the announcers are, do you mind?
The Under Guy – I may have written about this guy before, but I know a guy who since the early 90’s just strictly bets Unders. Never the Over. It’s almost like red and black on roulette for this guy, 20 years ago he must’ve hit an Under for $50 and to this day just continues to press it. I mean I’ve never seen the kid bet an Over in my life, it’s against his religion or something. He either won’t bet the game, or he takes the Under. Every game, “Who do you have here, Browns or Steelers?” “Nah, I just bet the Under.” “Nice pick...”