A Guide to the Perfect Pig Roast

This week, I was lucky enough to attend my very first pig roast.  As a girl who values her pork produces above all else, it was easily my most eagerly anticiapated day of the year.  And it did not disappoint.  I don’t know how many of you are seasoned roasters or what, but I am certain that the pig roast I attended was the greatest in history.  I’m serious.  And in that time, I developed a set of guidelines that anyone can follow to ensure that his or her pig roast is the best of all time. because, really, everything I do, I do for you guys.

Make t-shirts.  Extra points if you can keep it a surprise, which is what we did.  I’m not going to lie, seeing 75 people running around in a backyard, all wearing shirts that said “I can get you a pig” was one of the most moving things I’ve ever witnessed.  The process of getting shirts made can be kind of a hassle and kind of expensive, but the joy that it will bring to the little faces of your fellow roasters makes it all worth it.

Get the little ones involved in a Beirut tournament.  I mean, let’s be honest, it’s not really a party unless elementary schoolers are embroiled in an intense round of beer pong.  No, they weren’t drinking the beer, but those little hands can produce results.  They are a definite asset to any team who craves success.

Set stuff on fire.  If a small campfire can keep the bugs away, it stands to reason that dismantling a shed and setting that on fire will… um… you know, I’m not exactly sure about the logic behind that one.  But huge fires are cool, so when in Rome…

Remember to stock up on the ice cream you buy for the little kids, because the big kids are going to eat it all.  Let’s face it, Nutty Buddys are really good.  And even though you’re not eight, you still want to enjoy them.  Especially after the kegs have been tapped.  So buy a box or six extra, so nobody loses their mind when the first graders are enjoying the last of the cones.

Eat all parts of the pig.  Don’t be scared.  Just because a pig kind of looks like a baby when it comes out of the spit doesn’t mean that it doesn’t taste like heaven.  Pig skin tastes like bacon (Ha, duh.).  The inside meat is sex on a plate.  You can even suck on the curly tail. I’m kidding.  The tail isn’t curly.  It’s also incredibly hilarious to pretend to make out with the pig’s face, in a totally sick and disgusting way.  I’m just saying, it’s not often that you have an entire pig at your disposal.  It’s selfish not to take full advantage.

Embrace one-touching Twisted Teas.  I know, Twisted Teas are for girls, right?  Wrong.  Twisted Teas, regardless of your gender, are awesome.  But only if you drink them down in one gulp, and prefereably as a group.  That way, you get all the taste without having that gross sugar-tongue that comes with sipping malternatives.  Plus, it’s really fun.  Besides, all the experts say that pairing pig with a One-Touch truly brings out the flavor.

So listen, next time you find yourself in the company of a 90-pound porker (I mean the pig, you fresh thing!), you’ll know what to do.  give it 110%, don’t let me down.  And if you want to invite me along, you will be amazed at what I can do with the tongue.  Ew, I mean I’ll eat it!  It tastes delicious!  Get your mind out of the gutter!