From Her Perspective

By Kati Cawley
feedback@barstoolsports.com

When guys get jealous, it’s all Alpha males and pissing contests. With girls, it’s different. It’s still about competition, but it’s a different kind of competition, because it takes place inside her head. She knows that you love her. She knows that it is unlikely you’ll leave her for any of the girls we’re going to talk about. But most girls, by the time they hit their early twenties forward, have experienced some pretty shocking stuff (receiving a phone call from the ex while he’s in the act of nailing his next conquest, etc.) and are of the attitude that the worst is still yet to come. So when she is finally fortunate enough to meet a great guy like you, who loves her and thinks she’s super hot and can’t wait to spend time with her, she comes with some little part of expecting that you’re going to drop her or treat her just like all of the other jerks she’s encountered in her life. Sorry, buddy, but this is how it is and as annoying as you think it is, it’s inevitable. Hopefully, she’s able to see that you only have eyes for her and think she’s the greatest thing since TiVo, but if she’s not so self-assured, it’s likely you’ll have to deal with her being jealous of the following people in your life:

The best ex you ever had. Relationships are hard. And things often look better in hindsight. So when you speak fondly of the ex with the giant breasts who stayed out and partied all night, every night, while watching football, cooking you dinner, and giving you head, the current girl in your life will probably get a little jealous. Of course you don’t talk about her drug problem, her neediness and her complete inability to trust you, and we know that something went wrong, obviously, but hearing about how great an ex is makes a girl think that you may not realize/think how great she is. So talk about all of the great things the ex does all you want, just be sure to throw in twice as many compliments about your girl here and now.

Her hot friend. Every girl has at least one friend that she knows is hotter than she is. And she knows that 99% of guys, you included, would die to get with her. This hot friend looks nothing like your girlfriend, and never will. She’s shorter or taller, darker or blonder, funnier or smarter, and there is nothing your girl can do to compete with this. Telling your girl that you want to get with her friend is an exercise in futility. She feels inadequate and is just going to take out her insecurities on you. You don’t want to sit in her living room while she tries on every outfit in her closet and asks you, each time, if you think she looks fat. Talk about her hot friend with your friends – maybe you can hook one of them up with her and live vicariously through him.

Your best female friend. It has been discussed at length whether guys and girls can be friends. There is one camp that claims that friendship between males and females is possible if neither party is interested in having sex with the other, but quite another that thinks that friendship between males and females is impossible, rife with ulterior motives and inevitably results in naughty behavior. Regardless, it is likely your girl is suspect of the other chick in your life that you share everything with. You may know that nothing will ever happen, but there is a competition going on between your girlfriend and your best friend, even if the best friend has no idea it’s going on. Just be sensitive to that.

Celebrities. It’s cliché, of course, but when guys talk about girls with zero percent body fat, impeccably dyed platinum blonde hair with extensions down to her ass, wears the sexy, expensive clothes we wish we could afford to the grocery store and poses regularly, airbrushed, in men’s magazines, girls feel inadequate. Of course you’re going to think about how hot Jessica Simpson/the chick from Lost/Betty White (what? I don’t know what you’re into…) and although girls know you are never actually going to meet these chicks and run off with them, hearing about how a girl whose job it is to look hot just makes normal girls feel like they are fat, ugly, poor, unsexy, etc. I know it’s stupid, and it’s awful, but there is a ton of pressure on girls to be perfect in all areas, and it’s pretty much impossible to live up to that. Reminders that we’re not what everyone says we should be can be a big downer. And again, you don’t want to be forced into convincing her that her thighs aren’t too big every night before sex. So just talk about how good their latest movie is or how hot you think she’d look in that whips-and-chains number you saw the It-Girl-du-jour wearing on the cover of Maxim this month to avoid any sort of insanity.

Girls know they are almost as lucky to be with you as you are to be with them, and they are terrified you are going to go away. So sometimes they have to be a little crazy, because they don’t always know how to express it. The next time she gets a little green around the edges, give her a hug, tell her she’s the hottest thing that you’ve ever seen, and tell her to get over it. You’re not going anywhere.