From Her Perspective

So, all of you rotten kids are headed back to school.  Summer is over and it’s time to get serious again.  Ha, yeah right.  At any rate, it’s a good time to start over.  The mistakes you made last year are forgotten and you have a clean slate.  Remember when you vomited all over that guy’s shoes ten minutes after you made out with him?  Nobody else does.  Okay, fine, probably they do.  And fine, that was probably me when I was nineteen, and not you guys.  But you know what I mean.  So let’s talk about some do’s and don’ts for back to school, so you can optimize your fun time and spend less time sitting in your room embarrassed over what you did the night before.

Getting drunk in class can be hilarious.  But don’t get drunk in a class where you might get called on!  You’re so busted and you would probably get in real trouble.  Save the beer in the soda cups for lecture classes where you can fade into the background, or for those classes you watch movies in.  My all-time favorite blow-off class was something called “Contemporary American Society”, which was held on Wednesday nights.  All we did was watch movies.  It was a small class, but it didn’t matter since the lights were off and the professor wasn’t even there ninety percent of the time.  He also wore giant bow ties.  Clearly, I got a lot out of this class. 

Make sure that before you fuck a girl, she is not a virgin.  If you unknowingly take a girl’s virginity, you are setting yourself up for billions of phone calls, texts and emails.  She will stalk you on campus and show up at your favorite bar.  Her friends will come up and ask you why you won’t talk to her.  Your life will be hellish.  I know it holds an allure and all, but if you’re just out for sex, have it with someone who’s had it before. 

Girls, watch your drinks, especially at the frat houses and the sports houses.  I know the guys are hot, and it’s cool to hook up with a brother or an athlete, but dude, just be careful.  It’s better to be a little cautious and keep your self-respect than to wake up the next morning in a place you don’t know with a guy you don’t know and having no idea what you did the night before.  Pregnancy tests are expensive and STDs are gross.  So just don’t be dumb, okay?  Take care of yourself.

In the same vein, boys, when a girl is passed out, leave her alone.  Don’t try to have sex with her.  Don’t jerk off on her.   You’re reading this and thinking “Dude, I would never do that.  That’s disgusting.”  But if you ask any girl who attended college or ever went to a college party if that has happened to her, she will unequivocally say yes.  It happens all the time, and it’s super creepy.  Girls talk, and you’ll definitely be known as that guy and nobody will want to make out with you.  I know the guy who did it to me became a total pariah in my social circles because of it, which really sucked for him because we were all really easy. 

Welcome back, kids.  It’s going to be a good year.  Have fun and be safe.  Load up on the cheese fries and enjoy the tailgates.  College really is an amazing time and I hope you love every minute of it.  And if there are any good parties, let me know.  What?!  I may be old (actually, today is my 28^th birthday, yikes), but I can still hang.  Okay, fine, probably I can’t.  Whatever, leave me alone.  Good luck!