From Her Perspective

I am by no means a kid anymore.  If I stay out until four in the morning, work the next day is either not happening or a total disaster.  I know there are bars that, if I enter, I will immediately get made fun of by people five years younger than me.  I no longer shop at Abercrombie and Fitch.  I use wrinkle cream.  But getting to this point has given me plenty of wisdom when it comes to sex.  I feel as though I know what my strengths are.  I also know what I am less-adept at, so I compensate in other ways.  For girls, though, it’s easy.  Breasts come in different sizes, but once you get down to the unders, you’re going to find pretty much the same thing no matter who you’re talking to.  Yes, I know there are exceptions, but generally, all vaginas look the same.  With guys, on the other hand, you never know what you’re going to get.

This of course begs the question: does size matter?  Depending on which of my skanky friends you ask, they will tell you that it definitely does or it definitely does not.  There are of course girls who love a big dick (let’s be honest, who doesn’t?), but I think the general consensus is that size does not matter as long as you know what you are doing with it.  Of course this makes sense, but it is surprising just how many guys our age still treat sex like they are sixteen years old on prom night – they have no idea what they are doing.

I am very lucky to be with someone right now who has both size and expertise on his side, but I know that, unfortunately, I am in the minority.  Nobody can help the size of their penis.  But it’s really easy to make up for this.  Like, really, really easy.  Just be awesome in bed.  Here are a few things that you can do to take the attention off of your little friend and onto the fact that you are a hot piece that any chick would die to get with.

Hang on.  The worst thing ever is to have a guy who is both really small and consistently shoots his wad thirty seconds after he’s inside you.  Everyone is embarrassed, she’s disappointed, and unless you are really, really funny, she’s not going to want to hang out with you anymore.  We are too old to teach guys how to go through the mechanics of sex.  We did that ten years ago and it was bad enough then. 

Have moves.  Make her focus on how you bite on her neck with the perfect amount of pressure and hold her hair back while she’s going down on you and she won’t be preoccupied with the fact that your penis is the size of a pencil eraser.  It’s all about the whole package, and if the only thing you don’t have is a 12-inch cock, it’s really not a big deal.  Like, at all.  Seriously. 

Use your tongue.  We of course love sex, but a guy who can get us off orally is definitely a keeper because everyone does it wrong.  I know it’s tricky, and that blow jobs are so much easier, but if you master the art of eating her out, she’ll be hooked.  There is nothing hotter than a guy who both wants to do this and does it well.  It’s pretty much the Holy Grail. 

Use your fingers.  It’s really hard for girls to orgasm strictly through f*cking.  We generally need a bit of help when it comes to coming (hee hee), and we are usually too embarrassed to tell you that.  So while you’re doing it, casually start rubbing her you-know-where and prepare for screams that will wake the neighbors. 

When she’s done, and you’re done, it’s done.  Ew.  Nothing is worse than great sex being ruined by the fact that he’s pumping away 45 minutes after you’ve finished.  I don’t know who told you guys that we like to bone for hours and that your ability to last for days is a sign that you are all that is man.  We’re delicate.  We chafe.  Too short is no good, but too long is just annoying.  Let’s try to keep it somewhere between thirty seconds and all night, to quote an extra-cheesy romantic comedy from the early nineties…

I know most of you are thinking right now that this whole article was a waste of space, and that you know everything there is to know about getting chicks off, but I am telling you that everyone can use a little help now and then.  And some of you can use a lot of help.  Who cares if you’re smallish, if you can make us see God we really don’t care if it’s three feet long or three centimeters long.  Well, that may be pushing it a bit… both of those are kind of creepy… good luck!