The Flawless Wisdom of the All-Knowing Father
Father's Day is upon us. And after a year in which I spent most of my time holed up in the basement like a troll, searching NFL rumor web sites and Google-imaging Kate Beckinsale, I want to make it up to my two sons by doing some actual fathering.
Generally speaking, my kids are better off if I avoid them. At least to avoid them to the extent that I don't accidentally influence them. By any objective measure, my Darling Trophy Wife is simply further along on the evolutionary ladder than I am, and we both agree the boys would be better prepared for this life if they use her as their moral compass. I mean it's a team effort, and I try to put my time in and contribute. But ultimately I'm more of the example of how NOT to conduct yourself. We're like a husband and wife version of "Goofus and Gallant."
For instance a couple of weeks ago, my older son came home talking about how they had a D.A.R.E. officer in school to talk about alcohol. The cop brought a pair of goggles that show kids what the world looks like when you're drunk. "It was so funny, Dad" he said, "Thomas tripped over a chair…Mark kept bumping into the desk..." So I said "Hey, these glasses...Did they happen to make the ugly girls look good?" See, I should just leave the parental guidance to their mom.
The thing is, I'm clueless when it comes to being a father. My own dad, bless him, died when I was a kid, so I'm in the dark as to how a father should act or what he's supposed to tell his kids. This isn't an attempt to pull at anyone's heartstrings, it's just a fact. Not having a father around sets a kid back. Fathers are demanding, angry, nasty, pains-in-the-ass (I should know, I am one) but you need that. There were a million things growing up that I simply didn't know. Things my dad would've been on me like stink on a monkey about if his heart hadn't given out before I reached the appropriate age of ball-bustage.
I'm embarrassed to admit this, but the first time I bought a car, as I went to drive it away, the dealer said "So who's your insurance company?" and I gave him that look like a dog does when he doesn't know which hand you put the baloney in. "Huh? Insurance? You need that? Um, gee...this is awkward..." I was in college at the time.
There are things that will help you in life that can only be taught to you by your father. Things you won't learn anywhere else; not from your mom, in school, or from your idiot buddies who still have 90% of their life's acts of boneheadism ahead of them. I want to give my sons the head start I didn't have. I want my kids lives, with my guidance, to be an error-free series of straight A's, perfect driving records, game winning hits, and bra clasps that come undone with a snap of the fingers.
Of course it would be good if I could pull some great speech out of my ass, filled with high ideals and grandeloquent themes like a Hamlet soliloquy, but that's unlikely. When Polonius sent Laertes off to France with "Neither a borrower nor a lender be" he wasn't in the process of maxing out on his home equity line of credit.
My kids don't read Barstool (you can stop dialing DSS now). But I’m hoping this list of life lessons will give me something to go on when they're old enough:
*Women are an unfathomable mystery, but you’ll want to keep fathoming. Your Uncle Bill once taught me this: No matter how much you like a woman (and believe me, you'll like them a lot), or how much you think you understand one, there'll be moments when you’ll hang up the phone and say "What in the Holy Hell was that all about?" Still, they're worth it.
*The person you are when you're six years old is basically the same person you'll be when you're thirty-six. Those evil, backstabbing jagoffs you know in school don't just vanish into the ether on graduation day. They grow up and get jobs, too. There will always be one in the next cubicle.
*Be a self-promoter. People don’t notice the quiet, humble guy…the “glue” guy. The more you act like you're awesome at everything you do, the more awesome everyone will think you are. Perception is reality.
*With that in mind, when playing hoops with your friends, follow this rule: When you're hot, keep shooting. When you're cold, keep shooting until you get hot.
*On the first Christmas you spend with your girlfriend's family, don't go over to her mom's manger scene, slide a Wise Man over next to the Baby Jesus and yell "Checkmate!" Unless you like barely disguised anger and passive/aggressive disapproval.
*Don't be afraid to admit you don't know something. Most of the useful stuff I've learned has come from finding someone who knows how to do it and saying "Explain it to me, and feel free to talk to me like I'm four years old." Which explains why everything in our house looks like it was done by a four year old contractor.
*Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night to check on you. And there have been times when I've watched you lying there in your blissful childhood slumber and I've cried like Dick Vermeil, for no reason other than I love you so much. This has no practical application, but I still think it will help you in life to know it.
*Never, ever ask a woman if she's pregnant, no matter how pregnant you think she looks. Trust me on this one.
*Don't let me or anyone else tell you your music sucks. Older people have been saying that about younger people's music since Beethoven released his last album. I can go on and on about The Clash's "London Calling," and it was a magnum opus, but in truth we all spent more time listening to "Take on Me" by Aha.
*Video games are toys, not a lifestyle. Hot coeds don't dump athletes, musicians and MBAs so they can give handjobs to gamers.
*More fathoming: Women love jerks. It sounds odd, but it's true. You're both good kids which means at some point, a girl you're nice to will dump you for a guy who looks at her the way you look at vegetables. I'm not saying you should treat women badly; be yourself. Just be prepared to deal.
*Sequels suck. With the exception of "Godfather II," "Aliens" and a couple of others, they‘re all rubbish. I know you've been doubting me on this topic, but do I need to remind you about "Jaws: The Revenge"?
*When a politician is moving his or her lips, assume that what's coming out is unfiltered sewage. The guy on TV who tells you your car is destroying the planet took a motorcade of SUVs to the interview. Don't be fooled by hypocrites. Make your own choices. Just know that no chick in a bikini on Nantasket Beach will ever ask for a ride in your Prius.
*No pressure, but if you can decide early on what you want to do in your life, you'll have a big advantage. And not to discourage you, but there are 280 million Americans, and exactly eight of them are Patriots linebackers. It's good to have a Plan B.
*If there’s one thing life has taught me, it’s that as long as you have brothers who love each other like…well, like brothers...you don’t need much else. And neither does your dad. Thanks boys, for a happy Father’s Day.