Fantasy Draft Day Tips

There are only two social events in the world that force me to break out my calendar and plan something weeks in advance. The first event is a bachelor party. The second event is a fantasy draft. Quite simply, a fantasy draft is one of the most important days of the year for men. Reputations are won and lost over the course of a draft night. Therefore, the Stool is here to give you some tips on how to ensure a successful fantasy draft. And we’re not talking about what round to draft Ricky Williams or who will be a sleeper WR this year because you can get that info anywhere. In fact, the odds are that everybody in your league as well as everybody else on the planet is probably reading the same draft magazines that you’re reading. Therefore, the key to a great fantasy draft usually comes down to whoever best uses psychological warfare to their advantage. So without further ado, here are seven surefire verbal assaults that will mentally incapacitate your fellow league owners.

1. Running Back By Committee

Everybody knows that the key to a successful fantasy season is the backfield. You simply can’t win without two solid running backs. Therefore, it’s not a surprise that RB’s are the most sought after commodity on draft day. But some fantasy owners take their obsession with the running game to unhealthy heights. Their first 6 picks will be running backs and they refuse to focus on any other position until they feel they have their backfield secured. Therefore, it is your duty to create question marks about their number 2 or number 3 running back. There is nothing more frightening to these owners than the potential of a running back controversy on their team. And the best way to start a running back controversy is by asking lots questions. For example right after somebody drafts Priest Holmes you should chime in with the following;

“Hey, aren’t the Chiefs giving all the goal line carries to Larry Johnson this year to save the wear and tear on Priest Holmes? It’s like what the Jets did with Curtis Martin last year. Seems stupid if you ask me. It’s still a great pick though.”

Something as simple as this will throw the running back owner into a tizzy and almost guarantee that they’ll pass on Chad Johnson in the next round to draft Jerome Bettis. It’s also highly recommended to keep commenting about how there are virtually no RB’s left in the draft as every new running back gets drafted. Once again this will force the RB crazed owner to stockpile his backfield until the draft is over and he still doesn’t have a kicker, defense or wide receiver.

2. Excessive Compliments

There are some fantasy owners who are simply too confident and cocky for their own good. These are the guys that somehow think they’re the only ones reading all the draft guides. They pride themselves on having the best sleeper picks in the draft. The best way to neutralize these wannabe John Clayton’s is to play into the perception they have of themselves. Every time they draft somebody you should seem amazed and heap lavish praise upon the selection. The more impressed you seem by their selections, the crazier they’ll want to get. By the time the night is over they’ll be drafting guys who play in the World League.

3. Lingering Injuries

Bringing up fake injuries may be the easiest way to ruin somebody’s draft night. We have a rule in our league where if some moron drafts a guy who is legitimately injured we tell that idiot about his mistake. While this is certainly a benevolent gesture, I like to mistakenly tell people that a player is injured or at least I think he is. There is nothing worse when selecting a player only to hear that he has already suffered an injury. It should never be anything major where everybody would obviously know about it. Instead try something like this:

“Didn’t Julius Jones tweak his hamstring in practice yesterday? They took a MRI just to be safe and he’s listed as day to day I think. I just wanted to let you know before you drafted him.”

The brilliance of the fake injury report is that it almost guarantees that the guy who drafted the non-injured player has to waste a future pick on a back up just in case the fake lingering injury doesn’t go away.

4. Scoring System Changes

I keep waiting for the day to come when some National committee is formed and mandates that all fantasy leagues across America use the same scoring system. (And while they’re at it they can mandate a March Madness scoring system as well.) But until that day comes there is nothing that can cause more havoc in fantasy leagues than scoring changes. And there is nothing that can make other fantasy owners question themselves more than you questioning how the scoring changes will affect the league. The scenarios are really endless. For starters, whenever there is a scoring change you should spend at least 20 minutes during the draft talking about how WR’s are going to be much more important this year. TD’s and Rushing Yardage are out and receptions are in. It is a Jimmy Johnson guarantee that somebody will swallow the bait and switch their offense to the Fun’N’Gun.

5. I had him last year… and he sucked.

I make a point of it every year to tell fellow owners who draft my former players that the guy they just drafted was on my squad last year and sucked. I’ll usually chime in with something to this effect:

I hope you have more luck with Jake Plummer than I did last year. I almost drafted him but I wasn’t going to let him torpedo my team like he did last year.

Nobody wants to hear that the guy they just drafted isn’t wanted in another city. It immediately raises red flags and puts question marks in the other owners’ head that can linger right up until game day.

6. Disbelief

The disbelief routine during draft day is probably the easiest way to eliminate one team from title contention before the league even begins. The key to the “disbelief” method is to single out one owner before the draft and act like you are having a heart attack every time he makes a selection. There is nothing more demoralizing than having people go into shock overtime you make a pick. You may want to throw in a couple one liners like “I thought that guy was dead” or “He’s still in the league?” For the best results, you may want to bring somebody else into the loop on this one. This way it won’t seem like you’re the only one who thinks your buddy is crazy. By the time the 7th round rolls around the victim of your assault will be so flustered that he’ll probably throw out his entire draft board and just start making picks by the seat of his pants.

7. Roster Changes

The final strategy that I recommend to psychologically impair you fellow league owners is rampant talk about player movement throughout the league. And not just any player movement, but offensive lineman movement. The beauty of this strategy is twofold. First of all, when Michael Vick is drafted, the guy who drafted him will not be able call bullshit on you when you ask him how he feels about Todd McClure who was the starting center for the Falcons last year signing with the Saints in the off-season. This statement is 100% false but only a handful of guys in America will know this. And more importantly the guy who drafted Vick will feel like throwing up when he hears the news. Sure, it may not affect how Mike Vick performs in real life, but it will surely put the guy who drafted him in a bad state of mind for the rest of the draft. And maybe he burns a pick on a back up QB before he really wanted to.

So, there you have it. 7 quick tips on how to mentally incapacitate your fantasy competition before one snap is taken in the NFL. Don’t ever underestimate the relationship between psychological warfare on draft day and long term fantasy success. Doing your homework and studying the draft magazines is great, but it’s only half the battle.