Fake Q & A with Belichick, (Truth Serum Added)
I admire Bill Belichick more than any other Boston sports figure of my lifetime. The fact that he’s the object of my mancrush, and I’m the subject of his many restraining orders, bears that out. But like everyone else, the man is a complete mystery to me. Even if he sat down and let me interview him (in my dreams) it would be a waste of time since he never actually says anything. So I’m left with imagining a pretend interview with an ersatz Belichick, in which he’s fictitiously injected with made up truth serum. It would abstractly go something like this....
Barstool Sports: Since you’re all pumped full of Sodium Pentothal, let me start with a question no one would have the stones to ask if you weren’t all drugged up: Are you a likeable guy?
Bill Belichick: Since I’ve got no choice but to be honest...yeah, I’m likeable. I mean, I’m not the kind of guy everyone likes; I’m not Tom Hanks fercrissakes. But hell yeah, the guys who play for me, coach with me, my friends, my neighbors...they’ll tell you I’m a good guy. David Halberstam, rest his soul, was my friend. And Jon Bon Jovi. How bad a guy can you be if you pal around with Jon frickin’ Bon Jovi?
BS: Why doesn’t the public like you?
BB: Well, first of all, I think the public around here does. After the SpyGate thing or whatever you want to call it, the standing O they gave me meant a hell of a lot. Truly. I needed that support and I’ll never forget it. As for the rest of the country...who gives a shit really? I suspect it’s because I built a dynasty and they’re sick of us being better than them. And it doesn’t help that the press makes me out to be Bin Laden because I don’t drop to my knees, kiss their ass, and give them the Rusty Trombone while I’m at it.
BS: Why don’t you get along with the press?
BB: You know that expression “Don’t get into an argument with someone who buys ink by the barrel”? It’s true. But you also shouldn’t waste your time making them like you because you simply can’t win with them. The first opportunity they get to tear you a new one because it’ll make for a good story, they’re going to take it. Let Dr. Martin Luther Dungy put together back-to-back 6-10 seasons and see how long they stay in love with him.
BS: I’m glad you brought up Tony Dungy. Do you hate him?
BB: You’re goddamned right I do. Christ, ever since he got a head coaching job they’ve been trying to turn his birthday into a national holiday. Funny how all his Christian charity went right out the window after SpyGate and he ripped me the first chance he got. In all the years I’ve been coaching, do you know how many times I’ve criticized another coach? Zero. No matter how bad a coach a guy is, I respect the profession. The job’s too tough, the life’s too hard, for me not to have a fellow coaches back, at least in public. But St. Anthony of Indianapolis says my whole career is tainted? Eff him. The press can talk all they want about our bad handshake, but did it occur to anyone else that maybe he was the one blowing me off? I don’t mind a guy trying to beat me brains in on the field, but I got no need to play nice with preachy hypocrites.
BS: OK, what about SpyGate?
BB: Of course had a guy taping the opponents sidelines. And when I got caught, 26 other NFL teams immediately called their Special Assistants of Football Operations into the office, threw their video cameras into the shredder and handed them clip boards and whistles.
BS: So everyone was doing it?
BB: If I owned a team, and the coach told me they weren’t doing it, I’d damned well want to know why not. How do you think Eric Mangini knew about it? Through brilliant deductive reasoning? He used to tell me he didn’t know how he’d come up with a game plan if he didn’t have the videos to use. Now he’s what? 2-9? I guess he has his answer.
BS: So I guess it’s safe to say you don’t like Mangini either?
BB: Look, I had no use for the guy before this. I spent time with the guy, tutored him, brought him up through the ranks, taught him everything, trusted him, made him my DC, and after one year on the job he bailed. This wasn’t like Charlie or RAC...those guys were long overdue for their shot to Head Coach. They’d earned it. And unlike them, Mangina started trying to raid the rest of my staff like an ungrateful little bitch. But the SpyGate thing sealed the deal between us. He’s Fredo; dead to me. The swamps of Jersey are filled with the remains of guys who snitched on the men who made them rich. Mangini will be fired by the Jets soon enough then he’ll never get another coaching job because he violated the coaches’ code. Serves him right.
BS: OK, you’ve got some bad blood between you and some of the rest of the league. But you say your players like you? Why is that?
BB: For the same reason other people don’t like me. Because all I care about...in my professional life anyway...is winning. That’s it. I’m driven to win. I don’t give a tinker’s damn if I’m beloved or if I’m thought of as a genius. Love me or hate me, everything I do or say is based on one question: Will this help me win a Super Bowl? You don’t see me looking for TV face time like Brian Billick or begging the league to let me wear suits on the sidelines like Mike Nolan...no disrespect to them... because none of that is conducive to winning. And I’ve built this team on guys who want to win so bad nothing else matters to them. Not money. Not adulation. Not Pro Bowls. Just rings. I mean, look at us. Our entire roster is made up of guys that were given up on by somebody else. We’re the Island of Misfit Toys. Tom Brady was the 199th pick. Troy Brown the 201st. Mike Vrabel was let go by the Steelers. The only high draft picks we have on the team are Richard Seymour and Junior Seau. We were killed in the press for taking Sey and Seau was left on the curb by the Dolphins. The goddamned Dolphins. My core football philosophy is to bring in guys who have something to prove, and giving them the means to go out and prove it. Look at Randy Moss. 30 other teams in the NFL could have had him for nothing. None of them wanted him. But he comes here and not only is he a great player, every man, woman and child in this organization loves the guy. Because he’s all about winning. He’s a Misfit Toy like the rest of us.
BS: Are you as tough on the players as everyone thinks?
BB: Yes and no. I mean, yeah I drive them to do better all the time because they love it. The whole “Humble Pie” thing is a running joke; a character I play. And I’ve got the right players for it because they eat it up. But again, when was the last time you heard me bad mouthing one of my guys in public? The truth is, I love my players. Every last one of them is reflection of me; a football lifer. No one outside our circle can understand what it’s like to coach these guys. To ask our O-line to bash their brains in week after week. Or Tedy Bruschi to come back after his stroke. To ask Troy to play defense or Vrabel to move inside to outside to Tight End or for Junior after 18 years in the league to block on goal line plays...and they do it. Without question, without complaint. Because football is important to all of us. And that’s not something the nitwits with the tape recorders will ever understand.
BS: Last question: can you go 19-0?
BB: Sorry. The truth serum is wearing off. All I’m worried about is Baltimore this week.