Dear Chris Berman

Dear Chris Berman,

I just wanted to drop you line to let you know that I am your biggest fan. While other people might say that your acts are tired and unfunny, I am here to tell you – keep doing your thing. Those “acts” that people say are worn out have been working for the last 15 years, right? Why stop now?

Some people even have the nerve to say that ESPN has gone downhill. I say hogwash. As long as you’re still with the network, it will be the only place I go to get my sports coverage. Sometimes I think that ESPN stands for “Every Sports Program Needs…some Chris Berman.” Wouldn’t life be grand if we could hear your shtick all the time?

Personally, I think the nicknames that you do are downright hysterical. Chuck “New Kids on” Knoblauch is just top shelf comedy any way you slice it. I mean, think about how much that sounds like “New Kids on the Block”; I’d like to see your critics come up with such a perfect combination of humor, sports and NKOTB.

I always laugh when I hear you say Julius “Salt and” Peppers or Albert “Winnie the” Pujols. Some people may think it’s just you stubbornly refusing to accept that you aren’t funny anymore by continuing to use the same jokes you used in 1987, but I’m not one of those people. Those jokes never cease to amuse me.

I think that Sportscenter would be so much better if you were back on there doing it everyday. And the same goes for ESPNews. Who wants to just see highlights with no jokes mixed in? Boring!

My favorite show on the network has to be NFL Primetime. No surprise why that is!!! Most of the time people who cover the NFL just show highlights and expect the game itself to provide the excitement. Who wants to just see football highlights and scores? I want to be entertained.

All sportscasters should watch you do highlights so they could get a clue how to make them fun. I just can’t wait until you do the “rumbling, bumbling, stumbling,” thing and sure enough, every show you do it. I also love the fact that you still say “Marshall, Marshall, Marshall” when Marshall Faulk is running the ball. I used to not know his first name; but after 8 years of that joke, now I sure do!!!

That Swami character that you’ve created is just brilliant. Who cares if you are wrong on 90% of the games, those little sketches are so funny that one time I actually urinated on myself while I watching.

If that wasn’t enough, I consider it a second Christmas every year when you do the All Star Game Homerun Derby. My year isn’t complete until I hear you go “Back, back, back, back,” at least 15 times per batter. You say it so fast!!

Your witty brand of comedy comes in handy during that show too. This year I heard you say that a ball was headed for East Lansing, even though the game was being played in Detroit. That must have been a far homerun!!!

As far as I’m concerned, when it comes to comedy, it’s Gallagher, Louie Anderson and Chris Berman; then everyone else.

Don’t listen to the negative critics. The people who think that you aren’t the best thing to ever happen to ESPN just don’t understand true genius when they see it. I just want to tell you to keep up the stellar work. Now get back, back, back to work!

Sincerely,

Chris Berman