Da Belichick Code

I’ve always admired people who are good with languages, because I‘m not.  If you’re a regular Barstool reader, you know I’m barely fluent in rudimentary English.  I took a little Latin, Spanish and French in Junior High.  I took three years of honors German in High School. And in all the years since the only time I put any of them to use was when I got cut off in a ski lift line by two German guys and said “Du bist ein dummer Kugelschreiber!” which means “You are a stupid pen.”  That, and when I used to take the Green Line to Lechmere Station to work every day I used to chuckle to myself because “Lechmere“, loosely translated, means “Lick me.”  So like I say, I’m not real good with the languages.

Except one.  I speak fluent Belichick.

And for this I think I have every reason to be proud.  It’s by no means an easy thing to master.  Languages are created for the purpose of communication.  They express thought, feelings, knowledge ideas…all except for this one.  Belichickian is designed for the sole purpose of winning football games.  It has no other practical application.  It doesn’t communicate or express anything other than what the speaker needs to say in order to win the Super Bowl.

Belichickian is especially effective when speaking to people whose job it is to get in the way of those plans.  In football coach parlance, those people are often referred to as “reporters.”  These “reporters” are people whose sole purpose of asking a coach questions is to get him to say something stupid, insulting or inflammatory so the reporters can have what’s known as “something to write about” for the week.  For example, this is an actual question directed to Coach Belichick in the week leading up to the Jets game:
Q: “Is one of Pennington's strengths is he takes care of the ball?”

Now, if the Great One wanted to answer in standard English, he could’ve mentioned that the last time the Patriots faced Pennington he threw five interceptions.  And he could’ve reminded the reporter that he’d remember that fact if he wasn’t so busy that night watching Joe Namath trying to slip Suzy Kolber a roofie.  Instead, this was Belichick’s answer:

BB: “I think that's a key to any good quarterback. That's the most important thing, is to come away with possession at the end of the play. There's nothing worse than losing possession of the ball. You can't score that way and you end up giving up a lot more points in the long run.”

See the artful phrasing, the subtle use of language?  He gave an answer alright.  He didn’t pass on the question. He didn’t lie. But he never once referred to Pennington or pointed out what an overrated mediocrity he is, because honesty is not going to win football games.  That’s the essence of Belichickese.

His Hoodedness has faced no greater challenge this year than quelling the Deion Branch controversy.  This is what he said the day Branch was traded:

“On the Deion situation, I would just sum it up with a couple of brief comments. It's been a long process. I think that we tried hard to get it to work out…but in the end it just didn’t work. It just didn’t happen, so we made the trade with Seattle today. That’s where we are on that one.”

Brilliant.  As a fluent Belichickish linguist, allow me to translate that into English for you.  What he actually said was:
“I’d had enough of this crap.  We offered Deion what we think he’s worth.  He’s got a contract and I‘ve got a franchise to run.  If he wasn’t going to play for what he signed for, he’s dead to us.  So I took a guy we drafted with the 65th pick three years ago and flipped him for a first rounder.  Not a bad day’s work.”

But unlike me, the press didn’t understand.  So they kept wasting the Great Man’s valuable time with their inane questions.  Why?  Because I speak Belichick and they don’t.  And I wasn’t there to interpret.  If I was, here is how their follow up questions would have gone, with my translation added:
Q: “How would you characterize the organization's feelings? Is it relief? Disappointment?”
BB: “I don’t know. Just the way I characterized it, that’s how I would do it. I don’t have one word to describe it.”
My translation: “We’re a football team.  We don’t have feelings, Dumbass.  And neither do I.  Who’re you, Dr. Phil?”
Q: “Are you disappointed that it couldn't get done?”
BB: “Really, I don’t know what else I can add to what I just said. We tried. It didn’t work out and we’ve moved on.”
My translation: “Disappointment?  Gee, is that anything like a feeling?  Shaddup!”
 Q: “I'm assuming that there’s some part of you that would feel bad that you didn’t work it out with a guy who has been a key player on this team.”
BB: “That’s the way I thought I put it. We tried, it didn’t work out. We tried. It just didn’t work out.”
My translation: “I will punch you right in the ovaries, Borges.”
Q: “Can you confirm that it was for a first-round draft pick?”
BB: “I think it was a high pick. You got the announcement, whatever we said. Whatever it is, that’s what it is.”
My translation: “Goddamned right it was.  Bwwahahaha!!!”
Q: “Where do you go from here?”
BB: “Where do we go from here? It’s the Monday after the Buffalo game. We’ve watched the film. We’ve made our corrections. When we go back out on the practice field Wednesday we’ll work on those things and get ready for the Jets.”
My translation: “Eventually the Super Bowl, Jagoff.”

Like I said, being fluent in Belichick has no other practical applications.  But I’m working on it.  I’m trying to work conversational Belichickese into everyday situations.  For example, getting pulled over by a cop at two in the morning:
Cop: “You been drinking?”
Me: “Whatever happened earlier happened earlier.  The important thing is that I correct the mistakes I made further back up the road and do the best job I can moving forward toward my house.”

Or at home:
The Lovely Mrs. Thornton: “Where’ve you been?  It’s late.  I’ve been worried.”
Me: “I wouldn’t categorize it as late.  You’ve got the clock there.  Whatever time it says it is, is what time it is.”

Or at work:
Boss:  “You haven‘t done a thing around here all week.”
Me: “I tried, and it didn’t work out.  I tried, and it didn’t work out and we’re moving on.”

I’m continuing to do pioneer research in this field of study.  My goal is that by the middle of the season, I’ll be proficient enough in the language to offer my services to all members of the New England sports press.  I’ll interpret Belichick for you for a fee.  Failing that, I’m hoping the Patriots will hire me.  With Deion Branch gone, at least I know they can afford me.