Barstool Interview With John Madden
(FAKE INTERVIEW ALERT: THIS IS TOTALLY MADE UP!)
Q+A with John Madden
Pat Ronan(PR): John, I'm going to ask you some non-football related questions. I think the world wants to know how Mr. Monday Night feels about this country's hottest topics.
John Madden (JM): Sure thing. But I'm warning you. My opinion is worthless.
PR: But your stupidity is entertaining.
JM: Gotcha.
PR: John, what is your opinion on the war in Iraq?
JM: Well, what we have going on in Iraq is a straight out war. It's a battle between two countries who want to win. My money is on the Americans but with Iraq, you never know what you're going to get. Because war is war. And Iraq is a country. You see what I'm saying?
PR: Not really. But anyways, in a related topic, we have a President in office constantly surrounded by controversy and criticism. What's your take on Bush since his election in 2000?
JM: What we have is a President from Texas. Texas is a state in this country. And you know how guys are in Texas? Jimmy Johnson was quite the commander in Dallas years back. They won some Super Bowls because they were the best team in the NFL at that point in time. Jimmy was a gun slinging cowboy. And that's what Bush is: a gun slinging cowboy. But boy, let me tell you, Jimmy Johnson has much nicer hair than George W. will ever have. And I really think that's where you see most of Bush's criticism come from. His hair is nothing compared to Jimmy Johnson's. There's no contest.
PR: That was truly some groundbreaking political commentary, John.
JM: Thanks.
PR: I know the NFL has been very instrumental in supporting the relief in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. I have to ask. A lot of people are talking about the recent hurricanes that have devastated this country. John, do you feel like this country is prepared for another major natural disaster?
JM: What we need are more umbrellas. Because whenever I'm outside and the weather gets a little crazy, I pull out my trusty umbrella. And boom! I'm dry. Because the umbrella prevented me from getting wet. That's what they do. But here's something I bet you didn't know. My umbrella is custom made. Because I am a large man and I have an unusually huge cranium. So I called my umbrella guy. Boom! Extra large umbrella! I wish I wasn't so ginormous, but that's life. And war is war.
PR: You kind of look like a monster. Do you hear that often?
JM: I do. Quite a bit, actually. Pat Summerall used to call me 'The Blob' during commercial breaks. I wanted to kill that guy but he already looked dead most of the time. As a matter of fact, I think he was legally dead during one game a few years back.
PR: Really?
JM: Yes. We were in Washington. Eagles versus Skins. He slipped into a coma during the game. No one even noticed until halftime. We just thought it was Pat being Pat. The guy looked dead. Like, as dead as a deer.
PR: Dead as a deer?
JM: As a deer.
PR: Why a deer?
JM: Deer die. And Summerall looked pretty dead to me.
PR: (a minute of awkward silence passes) But, John. Frogs die. Why wasn't Pat as dead as a frog?
JM: Because I eat frogs. I don't eat deer.
PR: You're a useless human being, John. I hope you know that.
JM: If you don't like frog, that's your loss. More frog for me.
PR: Ok. Last question. You worked on the movie "Little Giants" years ago. You shared the screen with the one, the only, Rick Moranis. How was that?
JM: Heaven on earth. Mr. Moranis, or 'Sticky Ricky' as we called him on the set, was a man amongst boys. Watching him act was like watching Picasso in his prime. He created movie magic. And I think that magic translated into some huge box office success and tremendous DVD sales for "Little Giants".
PR: Is "Little Giants" even on DVD?
JM: Of course. Pick up a copy for yourself as soon as you can. There is some great bonus footage. In one classic outtake, I have a heart attack in the middle of one of my scenes. It was a pretty good one, too. I collapsed right on top of one of the child actors. BOOM! I broke the poor kid's neck. He hasn't walked since. I've tried to visit him at his home to apologize but he hates me.
PR: I hate you too, John.
JM: I hate me, too. (A tear falls down John's cheek)
End of Interview.
AS A REMINDER THIS WAS TOTALLY FAKE!!!!