“Baby Come Back”: The Official Red Sox “Mix Tape” for Roger Clemens
Well according to reports last week, apparently the Red Sox produced some super sappy DVD in an attempt to woo Roger Clemens back to Boston. According to common sense though, there’s no way in hell this is going to work. Why? Because everybody in America knows the only way to get back together with an old flame who just happened to win 4 Cy Young’s and 2 World Series with your arch-rival AFTER you broke up, is NOT through super sappy film; but through super sappy music. Specifically, an 80’s style “mix tape”, like the kind you made in 7th grade.
So today I took it upon myself to save the Red Sox time and effort, and compiled the cheesiest and most pathetic 80’s songs I could think of with hopes of persuading the Rocket to come back to Boston. It wasn’t easy, these songs are horrible. I hate all of them. But it’s an 80’s mix tape so what can you do.
(Disclaimer: if you happen to have any of them stuck in your head all day, don’t shoot the messenger.)
Roger, just press play…
Track 1 - “Baby Come Back”, Player
Not to be confused with the Eminem remake, “Bitch, GIT yo’ ass over here”, the original is what we’re going for today.
Now as a rule of thumb, every mix tape should start out with something unspeakably desperate, yet straight and to the point. Straight, and to the point. And I think Players’ “Baby Come Back” is the perfect song for the Sox to begin with...
“Baby come back, any kind of fool could see
There was something, in everything about you
Baby come back, you can blame it all on me
I was wrong, and I just can't live without you…”
What we’re telling Roger here is essentially that we, the Red Sox, f’d up. Big time. It’s our fault for the breakup. You certainly weren’t in the twilight of your career in 1996 and looking back, we were idiots for not resigning you. As an organization, we apologize for this mistake and would love to see your career end where it all began. Then we can retire your number without changing team rules, etc., etc.,…it would just be easier for everyone.
Track 2 - “I Don’t Know Much”, Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville
(I’ll spare you the nauseating lyrics…for now)
This off-season has been one of the most confusing in Red Sox history - no one really knows what the hell just happened. It’s like having a house party in college. You wake up the next morning with 3 inches of standing beer in the kitchen, a stranger face-down in the bathtub and a missing Snoop Dogg CD.
With the Sox - the General Manager retired, then came back 3 months later; in the interim they gave up on one of the top shortstops in baseball after 1 sub-par year, and the star centerfielder was allowed to sign with the Yankees and replaced by a guy named Coco. It’s just been strange. However, despite the turmoil, the one thing they DO know is that they’d love to have The Rocket at the top of the rotation...
“And that may be…” (insert bomb sound)
Track 3 – “We Belong”, Pat Benatar
“We Belong” is a classic mix tape song because basically it says yeah, our relationship ended in disaster, but just trust me on this one, we’re supposed to be together. Just the title alone should express to Roger that forces beyond his control are at work here and frankly, there’s really nothing he can do.
Listen - fate, destiny and bullshit like that are powerful, powerful things to someone confused and unsure of which team to sign his next multi-million dollar contract with. Plus, when you got Pat Benatar yelling at you at the top of her pool-hall-smoke-filled lungs, it’s kind of hard not to pay attention. We belong, Roger. “Weeeeeee belong….”
Track 4 - “What Have I Done to Deserve This”, The Pet Shop Boys (featuring Dusty Springfield)
A mix tape by nature is cheesy and pathetic. We already know this. But it can’t hurt to sneak-in a little pride as long as it’s only for one song, and The Pet Shop Boys’ “What Have I Done to Deserve This” serves that purpose.
With this song the Sox are saying “Listen dude, this ownership group wasn’t around in 1996. The people who made that decision and thought your career was over are long gone. Hell, Theo was still playing Pearl Jam songs in his dorm room in ‘96. If you have any ill will towards the team, don’t take it out on us – we don’t deserve it. The fans on the other hand, well, most of them have hated your guts for the better part of 10 years, but I think they’ll take it all back if you pitch well.”
Now I don’t think this will fly with Roger, but hey, it’s worth a shot.
Track 5 - “You Got It”, Roy Orbison
“Anything you want, you got it.
Anything you need, you got it.
Anything at all, you got it.
Baaaabeeeee….”
In this track from Roy Orbison, the message to Clemens couldn’t be clearer. Any demand you make, we will agree too. $19 million, $20 million; free nights and weekends. Whatever. Don’t want to travel with the team? Fine. Only wanna pitch at home against the Royals and D-Rays? That’s cool…we cool.
If Clemens signs with the Red Sox we all know the normal rules of the club will not apply to him. His “come-and-go-as-I-please” attitude is going to make Pedro look like Tim Wakefield, and I’m not sure how well that’s going to go over with the fans and media, let alone his teammates. But, as the song says – “Anything at all, you got it.” And that’s exactly what Roger will get.
Track 6 - “Didn’t We Almost Have It All” – Whitney Houston
For the final track, the Red Sox HAVE to go for the jugular. We need to hit Roger right where it hurts. No, not there. I’m talking about his heart.
Sure, the man has a ring. 2 rings, actually, both with the Yankees. But there’s gotta be some emptiness; there’s gotta be a void, still unfulfilled from 1986. I mean 1 strike away. 1 strike away! I can’t imagine anyone on that team ever truly getting over that game.
Plus the controversy still exists about Clemens asking to be taken out, or was it McNamara who “acted alone”? Questions like that still linger. And if Roger is still unsure of whether to stay in Houston or finish the job here in Boston, this song should be powerful enough to remind him of how close he and the Sox came 20 years ago.
So to the Red Sox brass: I did you a big favor and took care of the leg work here. If you truly want Roger back in Boston, keeping begging him to come, but please, screw the damn DVD – that ain’t gonna work. A mix tape though, now that should do the trick.