All Pro Movie Lineup

The most anticipated movie in recent memory is coming out in October. I can only be talking about Friday Night Lights. From all the previews I’ve seen so far, it looks like the movie may just live up to the hype. In preparation of this new flick, the staff of Barstool Sports has put together an All Pro team consisting of the best players from past football movies. Now keep in mind our roster is filled with players ranging from High School to the Pro’s. The only criteria to make our squad is that you were the best of the best at whatever level you played.

QB’s

(Quarterback is easily the most competitive position in Movie Football land. But the Barstool Sports roster can only have one starter. Therefore, we will break down the candidates before we name a starter.)

Reno Hightower (Best of Times)

The legend of Reno Hightower. How many passes did Reno throw back in the City Championship? I love the thought of having a QB that simply needs to throw on a pair of white spikes to ignite the entire team. Reno single handedly defeated Bakersfield in the biggest game of his life. He proved he can handle bad weather, take a beating, and that he is a natural leader. He is the type of guy that others will follow into battle. Despite the fact he is the star he will also sit down and chug a few beers with you. He sort of reminds me of Bret Favre.

Joe Kane (The Program)

Joe Kane clearly has all the talent in the world. He was recruited to play big time college football at ESU and is a Heisman caliber QB. But his drinking and confidence problems are major concerns. I can’t have my QB missing games because he is scared to fail. If Kane’s daddy doesn’t show up to one of our games, I can’t be worried that my QB is going to have a mental breakdown.

Paul Crewe (The Longest Yard)

How can you not like the guy who finally knocked off the prison guards? Without Crewe, the Mean Machine would have had no chance. I also like the fact he can run and throw. Crewe had one of the greatest two yard plunges in the history of football to win the final game. He had zero blocking on that play. The big question with Crewe is what is he doing in jail? Does he have a serious character flaw that we don’t know about? Also, it’s tough to overlook the fact that he was actually trying to throw the prison game in the second half. Regardless, I like his moxie. Crewe may be the best leader of any of the QB’s on this list.

Bird (Wildcats)

Truly a great athlete. Bird reminds me a lot of a young Michael Vick. But I don’t like the fact that you need to beg him to play. I want a QB that loves the game.

David Greene (School Ties)

How can you not like David Greene? His fairy prep school couldn’t beat St. Luke’s for the life of them until Greene arrived on the scene. He is also a born leader. Chicks dig him and guys want to be him. At least until they find out that’s he’s Jewish. Luckily for Greene, religion doesn’t play a factor in our evaluation process. I also love his attitude. If we need a Barstool Sports representative to stand out in the pouring rain and challenge the Boston Sports Review to a fight, Greene is our man. So while his courage can’t be questioned, his throwing mechanics can. He makes Philip Rivers look like Peyton Manning. Therefore, Greene would be a real project if we offered him a contract. I love his attitude though.

Willie Beamon (Any Given Sunday)

Another very talented QB. But we don’t want punks on our team and Beamon is a punk.

John Moxley (Varsity Blues)

Here is another QB that doesn’t like playing the game of football. Moxley wants to be a poet or something. We need our QB to spend hours in the film room breaking down film. We need him to live, breathe and sleep football. Also, I can’t have my starting QB going out and getting everybody wasted the day before a game. This type of behavior is simply unacceptable. Also, who turns down that chick with the whipped cream all over her? Is he gay? Even though it shouldn’t matter, I just know my guys won’t want to follow a gay QB into battle.

Johnny Walker (Johnny be Good)

Johnny Walker has some Jim McMahon in him. He clearly walks to the beat of his own drummer. But the question I have with Johnny is success going to get to his head? He may be just a bit too immature for the job.

In the end, we’ve got to go with Reno Hightower as our starting QB. It’s just impossible to put into words what he did with that rag tag group of Taft Rockets. I love his leadership. I love his field awareness and I love those white cleats.

Offensive Line

So who are we going to have to protect Reno? Well I think we’ve assembled a heck of an offensive line. Here are the five guys who will be doing the dirty work for us.

Manumana (Necessery Roughness)

This is the type of Offensive Lineman that we scoured the country for. Manumana takes it as a personal challenge to make sure that his QB is safe. Reno Hightower isn’t the most mobile QB ever to come down the pike so we’ve got to make sure his backside is protected at all times and Manumana is just the man to do it.

Jamal and Andre Jackson (The Replacements)

I like having brothers on the offensive line. (By brothers I don’t mean black guys, but actual siblings.) Everybody knows that the key to a good offensive line is to have guys who know each other and can anticipate each other’s moves. Well what can beat having two huge fat siblings anchoring the offensive line. I also like the edge that the Jacksons bring to the team. As former bodyguards they always carry guns and other weapons around with them, which is a good thing. We want to send the message that we’re going to run the ball right down your face and carrying guns helps send that message.

Billy Bob (Varsity Blues)

I want an absolute monster at center. But he’s got to have a little athletic ability and I think Billy Bob is that guy. Despite how fat he is Billy Bob was able to rumble for a TD at the end of Varsity Blues. I also love his attitude. Bill Bobs’ entire life revolves around football. I don’t blame him at all for getting drunk before the big game. He was just following his QB. He is a soldier that just follows orders.

Matteus (Rudy)

This is the guy who started chanting Rudy, Rudy, Rudy on the sidelines of Rudy’s final game. Again with offensive lineman you just want guys who are willing to sacrifice for the great goal of the team. Matteus turned in his shirt so Rudy could dress. What bigger sacrifice is there than that? Also, the guy is an absolute monster. As a side note, Rudy did not make this squad. There is no place for annoying runts who are going to hang out at Barstool Sports “U” 20 years after they graduated.

Running Backs

Billy Cole (The Last Boy Scout)

Oh wait a minute, didn’t he shoot somebody in the middle of one of his carries? I guess we can scratch him off the list.

Darnell Jefferson (The Program)

“Darnell Jefferson, starting tailback.” Sure, he’s a bit cocky and arrogant, but you need that out of your tailback. Also, it seems like he fixed his fumbling problem. It’s also a major plus to have Halle Berry hanging around the team.

Johnny O (Best of Times)

Listen, I know that Johnny O busted his knee during a TD celebration at the end of the first half against Taft, but I’ve got to give him a shot. Did everybody see his first half performance? Every two seconds the PA announcer was saying “Touchdown Johnny O”, “Touchdown Johnny O”. Just the thought of having Reno Hightower and Johnny O in the same lineup gives me the chills.

Grey Ghost (Everybody’s All American)

The only problem with the Ghost is that he is 107 years old. However, he was just too good to keep off this team.

WR’s

Rod Tidwell (Jerry Mcguire)

The first thing I’m going to tell Tidwell when he comes to camp is that I don’t care whether he talks to the media, whether he celebrates, whether he is nice to the other players just as long as he makes plays. In fact, I’ll make him the highest paid player in the game, but he’s only getting one year contracts. I feel like he may go to bed on me if I give him a multi year deal.

Tweeter (Varsity Blues)

Here is another guy that has no regard for his body. Tweeter is just one of those football meatheads. He’s the kind of guy that picks on nerds and stuff like that. With Tweeter and Tidwell I’m going to be able to throw across the middle with no fear of my WR’s getting alligator arms.

Jack Dundee (Best of Times)

Don’t worry, Dundee won’t sniff the field, but he’s still a very valuable guy to have on the squad. Dundee will be the coach’s pet. He will be given the assignment of motivating the rest of the team through devious tactics every week. Instead of dressing up as a Tiger and painting people orange, maybe he’ll spray paint Boston Sports Review all over a few of our newsracks.

Kickers

Lucy Draper (Necessery Roughness)

A.K.A Kathy Ireland. Not lots of competition in this category. It was between Lucy and Nigel “the leg” Gruff. Both proved they can make clutch kicks but Lucy gets the edge because we needed a hot chick to put on the cover of the paper. Life’s not always fair.

Defense

Defensive Line

Latimer on ‘roids – The Program

We’re not out to win the Nobel peace prize. We’re out to win football games. I don’t care whether you do drugs or steroids just as long as you are ready to go on Sundays.

Finch (Wildcats)

The new rage in football is to have gigantic fat guys play nose guard to clog up the middle. Finch is just the man to do it. There is no way that he can be moved. Furthermore he can be the team bookie. That seems right up his alley.

Julias Cambell (Remember the Titans)

Julias has tons of natural talent and is the ideal guy to put some heat on the opposing QB from his Defensive End position. I also have the perfect motivational tactic planned for him. I will have Jack Dundee silently put pictures of his buddy who got maimed on his locker before every game.

Andre Krimm (Necessery Roughness)

Who is Andre Krimm you ask? It’s none other than Sinbad. I’m not sure what Sinbad is doing wasting away on Texas State Armadillos. He seems like a pretty good player. And luckily for him we have a lack of depth on the offensive line. I just hope he doesn’t wear any of that wacky clothing around the locker room because it could give me color blindness.

LB’s

Bobby Boucher – Waterboy

What can’t Bobby Boucher do? I’m always a sucker for the guys who single handedly take teams that haven’t won a game in years and carry them on their back to national prominence. Despite the fact that the movie sucked, there was no other choice for our middle linebacker. And once again Jack Dundee will play a pivotal role in getting Boucher in the right frame of mind before kickoff.

Alvin Mack – The Program

Yes, we are concerned about that career-ending knee injury that he may have suffered, but we hear he has been in rehab with Johnny O all off-season. And I could have sworn I saw him club boxing in Diggstown after the injury so I think he’ll be okay. I just love the intensity that Mack plays with. While Joe Kane was getting all the headlines at ESU I feel like it was really Mack’s team.

Stef – All The Right Moves

It wouldn’t be a football team if we didn’t have a hard-nosed coal miner from West Virginia or Pennsylvania or wherever Stef is from. He’s not going to be the most talented guy on the field, but he’s a perfect compliment to Mack and Boucher. I’m also going to have to give Steve Grogan a call and find out where to order some extra large cowboy collars because both Boucher and Stef wear big ones.

Safety

Dr. Death (Best of Times)

Sure, Jack Dundee beat him on the last play of the Taft vs. Bakersfield game, but what about all the plays before that? Dr. Death was pummeling all the Taft WR’s. They couldn’t even get off the line of scrimmage. He was intimidating and dominating everybody. And don’t worry, we’ll coach him up so he doesn’t fall for that “I’m pretty fast for a white guy” routine anymore.