Dave Fabricating This Potato Skin Story Is The Saddest Thing In The World

I’m a man of honor. I’m a man of integrity. I’m a man of two earrings. And men with those 3 pre-requisites do not eat food out of the trash. I could end this blog right there, but I will go on to tell the full story, not the Davey Pageviews’d story where he twists everything.

Yesterday was a day like any other. Everyone was working hard, making the best site on the internet. I had a chicken salad sandwich (with swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion) and a cup of vegetable soup for lunch. Delicious.

John Feitelberg, my fearless coworker, had a bit of a different lunch. He ordered a salad that he threw away and a big thing of poutine aka french fries smothered in gravy and cheese. Also delicious. Because he is a man of restraint, he wasn’t going to eat the entire thing. So I had a bite. Then Big Cat, also a man of restraint and portion control, took it over to his desk for a few bites. He was on his way to the trash can and I shouted out “Hey Big Cat, lemme get a few more bites!” because I am a disgusting human. So he handed me the poutine and I had a few more great bites, before deciding I wasn’t ready to have another heart attack. So I got up and threw the rest away.

That’s where I thought lunch yesterday started and ended.

But nope.

That’s not the Barstool way.

At the same time, Marketing Superstar Kelly had ordered Potato Skins. Apparently they sucked, because duh, and she threw 3 away. Flash forward a bit, and the aforementioned John Feitelberg noticed the potato skins in the trash were tampered with. He dug around and concluded one had been eaten. Gross.

And thus, an investigation was launched. Video was magically “deleted”. Then Tech Guy Pete, the only person in this office with an actual brain, took a look and said he cannot conclude, under any circumstances, that anyone ate a potato skin at all. And certainly not me, because I didn’t linger at the trash can when I threw away the fries, nor am I holding a potato skin at my desk. It’s all on video, I guess Dave forgot to mention all of that.

So here’s the important part- why did Ebony say it was me? Well, she didn’t. Dave made that up for video. All she said was she saw me walk by the trash can, which obviously I did.

Maybe old Nate would have eaten food out of the trash. Not Bling Nate. Not after I had a sandwich, soup, and poutine for lunch. And not cold garbage potato skins. And shit, if I did, I would straight up admit it cause that’s something stupid to lie about.

So I’d hate to burst everyone’s bubble, but I am not the culprit in this case. In fact, I’m not sure there even is a culprit. Maybe Tex. But probably nobody. Possibly Ebony. But probably nobody.

And that my friends, is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Cliff notes:

They keep trying to keep us down, but we just come back stronger every time. #BlingNateBling 4 life.