When Is The Best Time To Breakup With Somebody?

This week we had a young lad call in questioning when the best time to break up with someone. Of course, my answer was never because I’m a hopeless romantic who roots for love. My second answer was whenever the girl decides it’s time to dump me. My third answer? That’s a difficult one.

The caller suggested right now was the time, before football season starts because your girlfriend won’t let you watch sports. With all do respect, caller, you’re a big dumb idiot. If you have a girlfriend who won’t let you watch football then just dump her, but fall is the time for a girlfriend. You get to do all the “girly” stuff that you can’t really do with your boys. Carving pumpkins? Delightful! Couples costumes? A blast! Apple orchards? Romantic! Cutesy, autumn pictures? Adorable! I’m in on all of that shit. Stay in on cool Saturday nights, drink red wine, watch movies, I mean I’m falling in love with a hypothetical woman just writing this.

The actual answer is probably “whatever time it happens to be when you wonder to yourself ‘when is the best time to break up with someone?'” That’s a good spot to end it because there’s never gonna be a perfect time. It’s always almost gonna be her birthday or her beloved aunt just died or Valentine’s Day is around the corner. There’s never a good time, the time is now.

But in a perfect world? I guess you’d have to say right before summer. Summer everyone gets tan, hot, drunk, and horny. You’re roughly 3 points sexier in August than you are in December. Wasting that time of hotness with a girlfriend is like being rich without access to your money. However, you can’t just dump a girl and think that’s the only thing that was keeping you from being fuckable to every girl on the planet. There are a LOT of other things aside from a significant other that you need to straighten out. You’ve gotta get your affairs in order leading up to that, like you’re in a divorce and need copies of the finances. You need to start eating right, hit the gym, get a haircut, just tighten everything up. A breakup, if done right, is about a three month process so there’s really no “right” time because you never know which breakup is actually gonna stick and not end with you giving a “sorry baby, I was just upset, I don’t want you to cry” apology.