Are Landscapers Allowed To Poop Inside Your House?

Kevin did some yardwork this weekend so it got me thinking about this blog from ages ago, legit like 7 years ago…

So I’m home right now, blogging from the synagogue. I wake up this morning and there’s a landscaping crew getting the yard in tip-top shape for Thanksgiving. Thrilled that I don’t have to do it, I make some coffee, put on my blogging pants, and grab a seat at the kitchen table. Not 2 minutes later dude walks in asking where the bathroom is. Guy was so nonchalant and entitled about it that I pointed him in the direction without giving it a second thought. Like when rich chicks skip the lines at clubs with their nose in the air and the bouncers say “Please, please, go ahead. Sorry to slow you up.” like a bitch.  Yeah, I was the bouncer. I hear this dude’s belt buckle hit the floor and all I can think is “This dude better be pissing kindergarten style, pants around the ankles.” Ten minutes later, no such luck. Fucking guy is literally grunting in there.  Then like half an hour later he comes out of the bathroom and drops a “Thanks, man.” on me. Jesus, kick me while I’m down. See this huge cup of coffee? Yea, I was planning on destroying that bathroom in about 10 minutes. Now I have to wait for it to stop reeking of twigs, dried leaves, and tacos. Or whatever he had for dinner last night.

I’ve done some landscaping in my day, and I would never dare shit in someone’s house. I’ve shit my pants no less than 3 times while landscaping, didn’t even break stride pushing that mower. Breaks are for the weak. Just did my business while doing my business, like a professional should.  But am I missing something here? Could I have been shitting in comfort, reading GQ, and resting my legs that whole time?

KFC summed it up best, “you clean the yard, you shit in the yard.” Thats that.

Years later I’ve still never received an answer to this but I don’t think it’s outrageous to say that the only landscaper allowed to shit in Kevin’s house should be Kevin the landscaper working a hard hour. That’s it. Anyone else has to shit on their lunch break, in a bucket, or in the yard. That’s it.

We also discussed Fyre Fest and why the kids missed out on a good weekend despite the conditions, I told some Bahamas stories and one about the time I was offered 10k dollars for my fake passport, Kevin vented about hating marriage, and also Kevin wants to buy a minivan and why that’s absolutely not allowed.