If You Think You Know How Female Contraception Works You're A Liar

Today Kevin and I were shamed for not knowing the intricacies of how female contraceptives work. I know, I know, I was as shocked as anyone. Because *Coach Taylor voice* let me tell you something, female contraceptives are the most cockamamie bullshit I’ve ever encountered in my entire life.

In fact, the difference in contraceptives is a perfect microcosm for the difference in sexes. Men and condoms? We’re simple to understand. We’re simple and not complicated at all. A condom is a bag you put on a penis and the sperm can’t get anyone pregnant. Men? We like to sit on the couch and do nothing, maybe have the occasional beer or ten. If you can’t figure out a condom or how to interact with a man then you’re too young and stupid for sex.

Women on the other hand? Well, they’re just like their kid preventers: you need to be a genius or a scientist to fully comprehend it. A Nuva ring is just a circle you put in a vagina and has an invisible forcefield prevent sperm. Explain that to me without saying there are secret microwave waves that kill the sperm on the way. IUD’s look like wishbones in a vagina (that come out WAY too easily). They look like Star Wars ships but instead of TIE fighters but instead they kill cum. Birth control is just a pill you take that makes you superhuman, like Mario’s mushrooms, and immune to babies. It’s the ultimate vaccine and it doesn’t even give you Aspberger’s. I don’t know how any of that shit works, just like I don’t know how women work.

But don’t you go shaming me for that shit. I’m not a genius and that’s exactly what you need to be to understand women or their anti-baby measures.