How Do You Handle You Girlfriend, Or Ex-Girlfriend, Crying Over You At The Bar?

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Caller today said he ran into his ex-girlfriend at a bar and she started crying and he was wondering if it was ok if part of him felt good about it. 1, stupid fucking question. Of course. Everyone wants to win the break-up, I don’t care if you’re a guy, a girl, or a praying mantis… you want to come out on top and you’ll rip a head off to do it. 2, “we’re totally fine. It’s gonna be fun” is the biggest lie anyone ever tells their friends. DO NOT believe that shit and DO NOT go to a bar knowing that a friend’s ex will be there. Everyone says they’re fine then they get a few drinks in them and want to cry and/or fight everyone talking to their significant other. Believe “I’m fine” like you’d believe “I’m clean” from an African hooker.

But he also asked if that’s ever happened to any of us, if we’d ever had a girl cry over us at a bar and what we did. While I’ve never had a girl cry over me, I’ve most certainly had one cry because of me. They’re very different journeys to the same destination. You wanna know the best way to handle it? Let me introduce you to a little something called Feitelberzation, it’s the same thing as Ferberization only it’s used on a drunk girl instead of a baby. So it’s really the same exact thing, because drunk girls, drunk people, really, and babies are one in the same.

When your girlfriend starts crying because of nothing, you just ignore her. Total, psychopath level freeze out. In fact, you start acting like you’re having more fun, thus making her cry harder, and you repeat this vicious cycle until the crying ceases. Much like an infant, it’s just a little problem mixed with a little rum in a baby bottle that’s causing this to escalate to full-on tears. You can’t reward that demand for attention or its something you’ll be dealing with forever. Ignore the issue and demand all friends ignore the issue until the crying stops, then after a certain period of time go head over and see if you accidentally bumping into that girl you’ve never met is still as big a deal. This is a tried and true method coming from a guy who once had a girlfriend for almost six months, so don’t try and say it’s stupid.