Your Full Llama Chase 2015 Recap

So, where to begin. I honestly don’t know. I guess this is a problem in Phoenix? Some cities have murders, some have bad traffic, and Phoenix has the perpetual threat of a Llama chase breaking at out at any moment. So here we are. 2 Llamas on the loose, one black, one white, best friends most likely, just looking to escape the petting zoo and shitty birthday parties for a taste of that bad boy life.

The chase started off how most chases start off. Llamas just trotting down the road in the middle of the day, not a care in the world while the Llama catchers hatch their plan.

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And what was their plan? Well it seemed like it was to just run up on the Llamas and grab them.

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This plan did not work

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Now I should stop for a second here and give you a quick scouting report. First of all the White Llama was 100% the ring leader. He’s the guy who opened the gate with his teeth, he’s the guy who promised black Llama unlimited carrots and Llama food wherever they ended up. He had it all figured out, black Llama was just along for the ride.

As for the scouting Report

White Llama

Speed – 94

Agility – 87

Stamina – 99

Upright runner, long strides, deceptive speed, great motor. Closest comparison, Adrian Peterson.

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“Hey Bro, you dropped your ankles” -White Llama, probably.

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Black Llama

Speed – 96

Agility – 95

Stamina – 83

Short, quick bursts, hits the hole hard, lacks vision makes up for it in pure athleticism. Closest comparison, Darren Sproles.

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At one point the plan shifted to trying to lull the Llamas into a false sense of security. Too bad Llamas are smart as shit and know that the random guy coming to pet you is probably trying to arrest your ass.

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Then they went back to the circling them and trying to run at them approach.

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Finally some guys showed up with Lassos. Black Llama Down.

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Fox News was ready to pin it all on Black Llama.

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Also a word about the Lassos. That’s cheating. A bunch of Mexican dudes showed up with pick up trucks and lassos and chased the Llamas down. Fuck that. You lose a Llama you gotta catch the Llama with your bare hands. Those should be the Llama rules. Fair is fair. I should get to laugh at a bunch of people trying to outrun a Llama for the entire afternoon.

Anyway, the pick up truck guys finally had their day. The game evolves. You adapt or die. White Llama was detained and that was that. I just hope the Llamas had their stories straight before their arrest, would break my heart if one of them rats on the other.

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And that was Llama Chase 2015. What did we learn? The fact that you never know when a Llama chase will break out. Always be ready. Never sleep and if you do have to sleep, sleep with your computer by your bed in case a Llama escapes in the greater Phoenix area.

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PS

Buzzfeed already ruined it, assholes.