PUTY’S WORLD CUP PREVIEW (presented by Barstool) – Groups C & D
Sam’s Safe Space for Soccer Stoolies
Hi haters™,
I included an exhaustive two-pronged introduction – one for long-time readers and another for n00bs – in the initial preview (Group A & B) that got posted earlier this week so I’ll spare you the spiel this time around. In order to keep things as simple as possible for you, dearly beloveds, my plan is to include links to all of the previous blogs at the top of each successive post… there is only one at the moment but I assure you there are plenty more to come as I do whatever I can to help push, pull and drag anyone and everyone towards embracing the greatest sports spectacle on the planet.
PUTY’S WORLD CUP PREVIEW (presented by Barstool) – Groups A & B
Also, as I teased before, the truly unthinkable is in fact happening and Barstool green lit a World Cup podcast. I know, I know, a dedicated soccer podcast on Barstool Sports… 2018 is truly f*cking wild, man. Anyway, Apple is apparently dragging its feet on getting the official link up on iTunes but as soon as it becomes available, and as soon as the technical geniuses who are putting it together give me the thumbs up, I will definitely be letting you know how to download, subscribe, unsubscribe and re-subscribe.
One important note: soccer only gets one chance to make a good first impression around here. If four people (three excluding my mom) listen/download/subscribe or whatever than it is a good bet that soccer will slink back into Barstool’s shadows from whence we came. So even if you think I am the single dumbest, least entertaining jogo bonito fan on the face of the earth, if you like soccer and wouldn’t hate more related content, please go ahead and smash that listen/download/subscribe button… as soon as it is available!
For now though let’s move right along to the latest installment of PUTY’S WORLD CUP PREVIEW…
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GROUP C – tough draw for smaller fries
FRANCE (1st)
FIFA rank: 7
Best finish: Champions (1998)
2014 finish: Quarterfinals (lost to Germany)
Outside of Brazil, they are arguably the deepest team in the tournament. This French team wakes up in the morning pissing talent… but in soccer – as in war – there are serious doubts about their capacity for mental midgetry.
Example A: The president of the French soccer federation recently said out loud in public that the “aspiration” for the team is to make the semifinals. Semifinals? Jurgen Klinsmann’s goal for the USMNT at Puty’s World Cup was to make the godamn semifinals. Set your sights a little higher, bud.
Difference makers are hard to come by and the decision not to include Dmitri Payet on the roster could come back to bite France as he has the ability to change games with his free kicks. Not saying it was an awful decision as Payet didn’t have the greatest of seasons, but he was playing well coming down the stretch before a tweaked hammy in the Europe League final may have been the tiebreaker that led to be being left at home this summer.
Key player: Antoine Griezmann, when not dressing up in blackface, is a world class talent. Just ask Antoine Griezmann who says he is in the same class as Messi and Ronny. I beg to disagree… though a huge showing at the World Cup this summer would go a long way towards supporting his case (and might add an extra zero to Barcelona’s purchase price).
Red flag: Didier Deschamps has made some highly questionable personnel decisions in big games that have almost always come back to bite France in the ass and the Frenchies seem like they are just ITCHING to find a reason to fire him. The sudden availability of Zinedine Zidane will not help matters in this respect. [Editor’s note: I don’t know what the odds are of Zidane replacing Deschamps between the group stage and R16 but I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody is offering the bet and if we’re being honest I’d definitely be willing to throw a few shekels at it.]
Don’t mind me, just here to watch some soccuh!
BEST CASE: France without question have enough talent to win it all.
WORST CASE: Nightmare scenario for Les Blues is facing Argentina in R16, which would be an incredible matchup but could very well mean an early death for the frog-eaters.
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PERU (2nd)
FIFA rank: 11
Best finish: Quarterfinals (1970)
2014 finish: DNQ (last qualified in 1982)
Oddsmakers are not big fans of Peru. I disagree.
First of all, the feel-good story of the tournament is Paolo Guerrero (F – Flamengo). Just imagine if he can lead Peru out of the group and perhaps even through a knockout game or two… parents everywhere will be able to tell their kids that they, too, can be successful in life even if they get caught snorting a little cocaine. Truly heartwarming.
See, Billy, success in life is still possible!
The team feeds off a stingy defense but is deceptively dangerous in attack, with Andre Carillo (MF – Benfica) in the Christian Cueva (MF – Sao Paulo) in the middle and Jefferson Farfan (F – Lokomotiv Moscow) and Guerrero up top.
What’s more, Peru is trending in the right direction as they have been steadily climbing up the rankings for a decade now (ranked 75th in 2008) and may be peaking at just the right time.
Key player: Guerrero
Red flag/weakness: Cocaine
WORST CASE: In some groups I’d call them a lock for the R16 but Denmark is a legit opponent and could cause problems, so three-and-out is plausible.
BEST CASE: It would take some good fortune in the knockout rounds because their path looks absolutely brutal but if Lady Luck smiles upon them like the Court of Arbitration for Sport already did then an incredibly sneaky semifinals run might just be possible.
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DENMARK (3rd)
FIFA rank: 12
Best finish: Quarterfinals (1998)
2014 finish: DNQ (last qualified in 2010)
The Danes benefited from a relatively weak qualifying group but, credit to them, you can only beat the teams they put in front of you. Basically, they are Switzerland with weaker defense – but the advantage of having one bonafide difference maker in Christian Eriksen (MF – Tottenham).
Key player: Eriksen was an unsung hero for Spurs for much of the season and is the little engine that makes Denmark go. Also a set piece magician, which could be important given their rather ho-hum offense. [Honorable mention: Nicklas Bendtner (F – Norway), who said in 2009 that he was going to be the best striker in the world within five years. World Cup 2018 could have been your mama’s favorite big boy’s time to shine. Alas, he didn’t even make the team. Damn. Fair thee well, sweet prince.]
You will be missed, sweet prince
Red flag: No Bendtner, no party
BEST CASE: Could slip past Peru and get out of the group but unlikely to make it any further than R16
WORST CASE: More likely than oddsmakers think to fall at the group stage
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AUSTRALIA (4th)
FIFA rank: 40
Best finish: R16 (2006)
2014 finish: Group stage
The Aussies are essentially what the USMNT was back in the good old days. They are not overly talented but willing to push forward and go balls to the wall trying to out-hustle opponents. Unfortunately, as the US found out time and again, grit and determination can only take you so far.
Key player: Mat Ryan (GK – Brighton) is about to see more balls than a Kardashian on All-Star Weekend.
Red flag: Australia’s coach resigned immediately after leading the team to qualification. That’s like putting in all the hard work in talking to female and taking her out to dinner and paying for her movie and walking her back home… then letting your roommate go to pound town. WTF? No idea what that is all about but just smells like bad mojo.
BEST/WORST CASE: The Socceroos always seem to be good for a big upset of some sort, perhaps a draw with (say) Denmark… but, in the end, I can’t help thinking that their potential floor and ceiling are about the same and both amount to a group stage exit this year.
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GROUP D – prettaaaaaaay, prettaaaaaaaay, prettay brutal
ARGENTINA (1st)
FIFA rank: 5
Best finish: Champions (1978, 1986)
2014 finish: Runners-up (lost to Germany)
This is it. This is really it. Messi’s last (legitimate) shot at leading Argentina to the one and only thing that has eluded him so far in what has otherwise been the greatest career in soccer history. To be fair, it may not technically be Messi’s last World Cup. He is 30 years old and could conceivably hang on for one more. However, this is the last one in which he will be at or near the peak of his powers. Doubt the G.O.A.T. with that much motivation at your own peril.
Argentina has offensive weapons galore. In addition to Messi, the team can call on Angel di Maria (MF – PSG) and Paulo Dybala (MF – Juventus) among many others in midfield, plus Sergio Aguero (F – City) and Gonzalo Higuain (F – Juventus) up top. Also, keep an eye out for the name Cristian Pavon (AMF – Boca Juniors), who could be a breakout star if given the chance at this tournament.
The problem for La Albiceleste, though, is that their attack may be able to paper over weaknesses in the back against lesser competition, but doing so against other true contenders in the knockout rounds may prove more difficult. To be fair, Nicolas Otamendi (D – City) and Federica Fazio (D – Roma) are coming off really good seasons… but cheetahs [capable of huge defensive blunders] can’t change their spots. [Example: even after a great season, Loris Karius reminding everybody in the Champions League final that, yes, he is in fact still Loris Karius.]
Key player: Ummmmmmmmm, Messi? Yeah, Messi. [Honorable mention: Paulo Dybala has the potential to be one of the breakout stars of the tournament… he is already well known among serious soccer fans, obviously, but he is a relative no-name for more casual followers here in the US (compared to the Messi’s, Ronny’s and even Neymar’s of the world). That could change over the next month, which would be great because hopefully it would mean a bigger, fatter contract that pays him enough to get rid of that godawful tattoo.]
Red flag: Coach Jorge Sampaoli has a habit of over-thinking lineups and tinkering his teams to death. An optimist would say that it promotes competition for starting spots and can be successful – just look at what Claudio Rainieri did at Lester! However, a pessimist would counter that it disrupts cohesiveness and note that (a) Rainieri did not actually do much tinkering during Lester’s miraculous season and a better example of the problems constant squad and formation changes can cause is Jurgen Klinsmann’s recent fall from grace with the USMNT. [Late-breaking update: Manuel Lanzini’s ACL exploded leaving the team with one less playmaker… maybe Mauro Icardi will make the trip after all?!]
WORST CASE: Highly unlikely for many reasons, but absolute worst case is they get matched up against France in the R16 and lose. It’s possible, but certainly not probable.
BEST CASE: I love Messi. I would probably jump in front of a speeding train for him. But Argentina is not winning this tournament. I’d say semifinals is about as far as this team could go. Sorry not sorry. (But kinda sorry way down deep in my Messi-stanning heart.)
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NIGERIA (2nd)
FIFA rank: 47
Best finish: R16
2014 finish: R16 (lost to France)
If the World Cup was won or lost by the freshness of teams’ jerseys, Nigeria would already be lifting the trophy. Those sweet lime green babies make me a little randy just thinking about them.
Nigeria vs France would meet in the final if wins were based on jersey alone
Which is kind of annoying because know there are gonna be so many damn hipster dildos who don’t even like soccer – hate it in fact, and think hacky-sacking with their ironically-tatted bros is more exciting – who are nevertheless going to be sporting Nigeria jerseys around town… and if the team actually makes a run in this tournament then those jackasses will look smart, and yes the reason I am kind of butthurt about it is because I do think Nigeria has a shot at pulling some upsets and making some noise.
Soccer? Fer sure not bra, I play real sports. Check this out clipper kick!
Nigeria has a lot of talent. They beat Argentina 4-2 in a friendly last fall, for example, and while it was just a friendly (and Messi wasn’t available) so needs to be taken with a BIG grain of salt, it was the way that Nigeria came out unafraid and attacked an otherwise pretty strong Argentina from start to finish that was more impressive than the actual score. Point being, Nigeria can play.
Key players: Victor Moses (MF – Chelsea) has graduated from being “that really fast guy” as of a couple of years ago to “that really fast guy who can play”. He and Wilfred Ndidi (MF – Lester), aka poor man’s N’Golo Kante, need to be on point offensively and defensively – respectively – for Nigeria to have a shot at advancing out of what is an absolutely brutal group.
Red flags: Jon Obi Mikel is allegedly expected to be the straw the stirs Nigeria’s drink this month but at 31 years old – and after a season spent playing in China – it remains to be seen of the ex-Chelsea man can still hack it at the top level. Also, you will probably hear a lot about the contingent of goalkeepers, who are all either error-prone or inexperienced (Francis Uzoho of Deportivo, for example, is only 19 years old).
WORST CASE: Tough group so not advancing out would come as a shock to precisely nobody
BEST CASE: That said, they have the talent to slip through and make it to the R16… though it is hard to imagine them beating the likes of France or Peru at that stage.
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CROATIA (3rd)
FIFA rank: 18
Best finish: 3rd place (1998)
2014 finish: Group stage
Anybody who says they know the difference between Croatia and Serbia that isn’t actually from one of the countries is either a geography nerd or a liar. The only way I can tell them apart is that one of their flags has that ugly checkerboard pattern. And, yes, I know some people like it. I just don’t. Maybe it’s because I thought I was good at chess as a kid then played someone who was actually good at chess and lost so bad that I never played it again. Cool story, bro, I know, but point being I’m not a fan of Croatia’s flag, nor their jerseys, and perhaps that is shading my opinion of the team’s chances… but first a little bit about the squad.
Croatia’s midfield stacked. Luka Modric (Real Madrid), Mateo Kovacic (Real Madrid), Ivan Rakitic (Barcelona) and Ivan Perisic (Inter Milan) to name a handful. Solid group with nice combination of skill and experience.
Behind and in front of, though, that is where the question marks appear. The team just wasn’t clicking offensively during qualifying, scoring just 15 goals in 10 games. The defense is anchored by the rather “mercurial” (in this instance synonymous with “inconsistent”) Dejan Lovren, who has yet to demonstrate that he is better than a pile of dogshit without the steady guidance of Virgil van Djik next to him.
So all things being equal, on paper Croatia do seem like the second best team in the group. But sometimes you just gotta go with your gut, which is telling me they will finish third behind an underrated Nigeria squad.
We won’t have long to wait to find out how dumb my tummy is. Big, big, BIG first game on June 16 against Nigeria, which should be an entertaining affair and may very well end up deciding who advances alongside Argentina.
Key player: Modric
Red flag: Speaking of the diminutive playmaker, Croatian soccer is in the midst of a kerfuffle as the one-time “big cheese” of the federation, Zdravko Mamic, is being charged with all sorts of corruption-related crimes (embezzlement, tax fraud, etc) from his time running the country’s biggest club in Dinamo Zagreb. The situation has been a bit of a circus but the most important thing as it relates to the World Cup is that Modric – seemingly one of the most mild-mannered dudes in the history – is looking at up to five years in prison after being charged with perjury in what looks to have been a move (a dumb one apparently) by Modric to try and save his former mentor. How that will affect his play is anyone’s guess. He played fine for Real Madrid down the stretch but perhaps when immersed back in the context of the Croatian national team the issues could flare up.
“Uhhhh, I was told there would be no math?”
UPDATE: since this post was originally written news broke that Dejan Lovren is also facing perjury charges… so yeah, keep that in mind when weighing Croatia’s chances.
BEST CASE: R16
WORST CASE: Group stage exit
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ICELAND (4th)
FIFA rank: 22
Best finish: First time qualifying
2014 finish: DNQ
Everybody’s favorite underdog caught lightening in a bottle at Euro 2016, which has led to an untold number of hoity-toity thinkpieces praising the Icelandic soccer system and holding it up as the model for other countries to emulate. More likely they had a good generation of talent who happened to come through the pipeline at the same time and received some good fortune from the scheduling and bounces off the post… but, hey, narrative-pushing content-producers always gotta find a good hook. (Okay, yeah, and they must have a pretty solid system too since the whole damn country would not be among the 50 biggest cities in the US. Sheesh.)
So big. Yet so small.
Anyway, as for the Icelandic team itself, they do the most with what they’ve got. They are an albino Burnley, with a cooler post-game celebration.
Why is Iceland green and Greenland ice? I don’t know. But I do know why Iceland is so dependent on set pieces: because they are not nearly as talented as some of those thinkpieces would lead you to believe.
Key player: Gylfi Sigurdsson is coming off a craptastic season, his first since a big-money transfer to Everton, but will try to turn it around for country. He is known for pulling a ridiculous free kick (or two) out of his ass every now and again, but unfortunately not much else lately.
Red flag: Betting on Iceland is a little like betting on a college basketball team who shoots nothing but threes to win the NCAA tournament… highly speculative and ultimately dumb because in the end Duke (Germany) or Kentucky (Brazil) is probably going to win.
WORST CASE: Iceland should not be confused with the likes of Saudi Arabia or Panama that would need a gift from the heavens to advance. Their self-belief alone will make them a tough out – just look how long it took Ireland and Scotland to get rid of the Vikings (hint: they never really did) – but I do think a group stage exit is in the cards.
BEST CASE: Sneaking through to the R16 is unlikely but not unpossible.
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So there we have it. The second of an unknown number of blogs that will be posting over the next week or so, which are intended to help start getting your mind right for WC18.
Previews of Groups E&F and G&H are up next, and – last I heard – you can expect the first installment of PUTY’S WORLD CUP PODCAST to drop on Monday.
Thanks peeps. More content coming. Have a good weekend. Get some sleep. Lottttsa soccuh starting bright and early on Thursday!
Holler,
Samuel Army