This Guy's Facebook Post Where He "Cheated" On His Wife Is The Lamest Thing In The History Of History
Want to know what happens when the PDA couple you hated in high school grows up? There you have it. They graduate from little “I miss my little cuddle bear” posts and move on to huge, horrible situations about their wholly unique love and emotion that absolutely no one else has ever experienced, and couldn’t possibly understand if it wasn’t for these heroes explaining it to us. I hate this post so much I’m going to break it down by bits.
Kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I think I sort of cheated on my wife today.
Fuck you if you think looking at another woman is cheating, or even “sort of” cheating. That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever head. Is jerking off being unfaithful as well? As long as a dick doesn’t go in a vagina then it’s not cheating. You can flirt, drunkenly make out, maybe even touch a tit… still not cheating. The difference between being a guy and being a cheater is like the difference in softcore and hardcore porn: if there’s no close-up penetration then you’re all good.
To explain what I mean, I was at Target getting a few manly things, you know – eyebrow tweezers, toenail clippers, beard trimmers, mustache molding waxes, some beef jerky, sardines, trail mix, a loofah – and as I went to pay I saw this woman in line that knocked me out.
If I didn’t hate you for every other reason that existed, that list of purchases is reason enough.
I thought, “Wow, some lucky guy is with her”, and in a split second I realized it was my wife!
No one’s first thought when they see a smoke is “Wow, some other guy gets to fuck her!” No one’s. In fact that’s not in the first 10,000 thoughts. They’re all disgusting, and you’re the only male character in the fantasy.
You know, it was just out of context to see my spouse at the same store, in the same line, living her life and not knowing she might be at the same place, same time, different car.
I’ll give you this. Seeing people you know in environments that you don’t know them is odd. I once saw my elementary school principal in a speedo at the beach and tried to get my mom to let me switch schools. That’s not a Curb plot, that actually happened.
There was a person between us, so I just watched my cute little Love, tried to text her stuff like, “Hey Hottie” and “What are you buying now my Babelicious?”, none of which got her attention as she was looking for a coupon she’d saved just for this purchase.
Worst flirty texts ever. Where’s the horny devil emoji? Where’s the dirty talk? Where’s the anything but “Babelicious,” which I don’t think anyone has ever called another person? I want to think this situation is made up but if you use words like babelicious then I guess it’s very possible. Also, coupons are saved up for specific purchases almost exclusively.
So I gave up getting her attention, as you can imagine I easily could have humiliated her by leaping on the register as a Raptor and really making her publicly proud, and instead just stood back and silently observed my feelings about this woman.
Fuck you.
First off, I was taken aback by how amazingly beautiful she is once again. I believe I see it often, but today, not knowing she was at the store, I saw her with new eyes and just couldn’t believe I get to be her fella. It made me blush – but no one could see it under my huge monster Movember beard.
That is BULLSHIT. No one sees with new eyes the beauty of their loved one. When you look at your beloved from a new angle you just notice new blemishes. It’s like how as soon as you come out of the womb you start dying, as soon as you fall in love you start finding reasons to fall out of it. And Movember is for mustaches, not beards, you fucking dick.
Second, it amazed me that she didn’t notice me in the slightest. This is both a good and a bad thing. Good in that she doesn’t have a wandering eye. Good in that she didn’t see the creepy dude with the overgrown mink on his face peering over her shoulder. But maybe that’s bad, too, like what if it hadn’t been me? I need to get her another can of mace just in case. But it was also bad because I realized how close I came to not ever winning her love in the first place, and the herculean efforts I had to make all those years ago to even get her attention just to say yes to one date!
Your wife noticing a man mean’s she has a wandering eye? And a man looking at your wife in a Target means she needs a can of mace because he’s gonna rape her? Maybe watch a few less movies, Jay. Not really sure that this represents how close you were to not getting her love in the first place, either. You know, since your probably actually spoke to her instead of spying on her with rape eyes.
Third, I was ultimately so pleased to see her in complete confidence on this day, as the independent, capable, humble, fun, sweet, kind, awesome person she is. And then she grabbed her things and walked out the door. I never said anything, didn’t flag her down, just watched her walk away, admiringly, knowing she’s my wife and I love everything about this woman.
This makes sense, I usually hide and don’t talk to people I dislike too. Much easier to just pretend you never saw them than have an awkward conversation in an unfamiliar place.
She rarely looks at Facebook so she won’t see this post, she won’t realize she was kind of cheated on today, but I thought I’d share with you all since I’m just a dweeby guy making my way through life, and at the same time sure there are those who have had the same experiences regarding their loved ones in one way or another, and these moments are perfect. Lesson of the Day: It’s good to look at those we love with fresh eyes whenever we can to remind us how lucky we are to have their light in our lives.
If you “just thought I’d share…” something, you shouldn’t have shared. Nothing that precedes “just thought I’d share” is of any worth whatsoever. It’s like the reverse of “Not to be racist…” if you hear that, you know you’re about to listen to some dumb shit and if you read “just thought I’d share” then you know you just read some pointless bullshit.