For Go Pres Go Fans Only: I Have Been Set Up For Failure By The USGA But They Have Underestimated My Competitive Spirt And Will To Win

So Riggs and I got in a huge debate a couple weeks ago on Barstool Radio. The question at hand was whether I could win the US Open with unlimited mulligans. For me the answer was a no brainer. Of course I would. That’s not even me bragging. That’s just me knowing what I’m capable of and knowing what unlimited mulligans actually means. I’d 100% birdie every par 3 and then par everything else. That’s -4 a day. Riggs projects the winner at Shinnecock this year will shoot -4 for the entire tournament. The ENTIRE TOURNAMENT. That means I’ll win by roughly 12 strokes. Easy peasy

Riggs countered my argument with a bunch of mumbo jumbo that made no sense. His main arguments seem to be that if I was in the leading group after Friday I’d run out of daylight on Saturday and Sunday because I’d tee off late in the afternoon. He also claims that there are certain holes that it doesn’t matter how many strokes I get I just don’t have the shots needed in my bag because I stink. Listen I agree that time could be a factor the last 2 days of the tournament, but I still have 12 shots to work with. I could mix in a few bogeys and still win in a landslide. So the debate raged on.

Well apparently the good folks  at the USGA caught wind of our argument and have generously offered to let me play Shinnecock on Monday with unlimited mulligans. Okay great. I’ll finally get to shut Riggs up and prove I’m always right when it comes to these hypothetical sports debates. But then I noticed the part whether the USGA said I only get 5 hours to play. Wait what? Umm that’s not unlimited mulligans. That’s how long I should get on the weekend when I’ve already built an insurmountable lead. When I said I’d win with unlimited mulligans I assumed that for the first 2 rounds I’d play from dawn to dusk to achieve my perfect score of -4 per day.  And yes I know people think I’ll get blisters.  Well when you’ve built an empire delivering newspapers brick by brick with your bare hands you don’t have time for blisters.

To be honest I feel like lots of lesser men would have immediately withdrawn from this tournament knowing the deck was stacked against them. That I was walking into a bear trap. But I’m not most men. I will not run from a challenge. I will not be intimidated by wildly unfair rules. I will walk into Shinnecock with an army of golf balls and ready to shoot rapid fire mulligans and prove once and for all that Team Portnoy always says what it does and does what it says. You won’t hear any excuses from me if I fail about how unfair this competition is even though it’s wildly unfair because I won’t let the unfairness beat me. And that’s what being the Us Open Champ* is all about

*with mulligans

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